General Confused About "Our" Situation

[Some1sAngel]

Is it common for a sufferer to avoid emtional attachment to say someone he was interested before going off to war and coming back and being diagnosed with PTSD ? I'm currently in this situation. When he came back from his 2nd tour in iraq and now that he's been discharged, he's lost interest. He rather hang out with his friends than with me. Although he did say he did want to keep seeing me, it doesn't seem like it at times. I keep contact with him but it's not the "normal" contact I would like, u know the typical guy girl scenario. But when I do see him, everything seems great between us he's affectionate and whatnot but not at all when we are apart. I can't helpm but feel hurt. :dontknow:

 

[Thankful]

Some1sAngel...

So sad to hear that you are hurt, especially when it concerns someone you like very much, that's hard.
If you read through the PTSD posts on here you will learn a lot, I'm still reading and learning. One thing I've read concerning your question is yes, they do often avoid intimate relationships, or at least being consistent while in one. From what I've read others say, and from what I've observed when I was in a relationship with a soldier, he might be now more used to being with 'the guys', with not dealing with intense emotions (because at war you cannot let emotions get in the way of your work, so you have to shut them down) that when they are around their girlfriend it's too much at times, to bring up emotions, to get close, to feel and talk etc. so that could be what's going on with him, but of course only he would know that unless he shares it with you, as well.
Hard to say for sure, but if you can ask him, that would be great. How is he at communicating with you? Do you feel comfortable talking with him, does he reveal much to you? Or does he keep you at a distance from what he is thinking, feeling etc?

 

[Nicolette]

I am sorry for your hurt feelings Some1sAngel.

All I would say in this case would be to be careful not to blame PTSD for everything as it is too often used to "be the reason" why someone is acting in such a manner when it may not be. I have seen some carers use PTSD as a blanket reason for all things which are upsetting to them which is only hurting the carer if that is not the reality. :rolleyes:

While it can happen and isolation can be typical.... if he is hanging out with mates and fine while with you it sounds a bit unusual. Normally he would have his off times with both his mates and you. It is hard to comment without additional information.

 

[Some1sAngel]

Usually when we are face to face he'll tell me a bit about what he's feeling in regards to his PTSD. The anger, the not being able to handle crowds, and avoiding people. And hopping he gets better soon. OTher than that, nothing much. We have normal converstaions about other subjects.

When it comes to "us" he doesn't say much. But when we are together he never wants to leave my side. But it's the getting him to see me that's the hard part. I mean, how can he not want to leave me but yet I can't see him as much as I would like. It confuses me. I feel totally comfortable around him. And he seems totally comfortable around me, or so he has said.

When we email each other that's when it's hard to talk to him he either replies quickly, with little info. or sometimes doesn't reply at all. But face to face or over the phone or in text it's different, he reveals more. He wasn't like this at all.

Before doing his 2nd tour, we were in constant contact, emails would be informative each and everyday. We'd see each other when he would come home. But while over there he started to change and once he got home as the months went by the communication seem less. And I'm pretty sure that if I were to ask him as to why? he's acting this way he'd say that he doesn't mean to.

 

[evergreen]

Some1'sangel,

I too am sorry to hear about the pain involved with this situation.

I have CPTSD which is different than your bf's because mine was from years of childhood abuse and neglect. But, it sounds like there are some similarities here. For me, it is like I have split into parts. Different parts that function for different things. If this is anything like my situation, it sounds like your bf has split into at least two 'parts'. There is one that is affectionate, loving, intimate with you...and there is one that is only capable of being with the guys (probably his soldier part). If he gets 'stuck' in one part, it is basically impossible to access the other part voluntarily. Sounds like he has to wait until the part of him that is able to be intimate is available again.

I know as a sufferer, I would love to have my partner understand this and be able to accept it every time it happens to me. Maybe that is unrealistic to expect but understanding can maybe help carers tolerate a little more and not take it personally.

Best wishes, Lots of love, Evergreen

 

[Some1sAngel]

U are soo right.

Actually, that does sound correct. He seems like two different people. Just that the one that I'm use to is MIA. I'm trying really hard not to take it personal .. but it's hard at times.

I feel as tho he's avoiding me. Actually, he is avoiding me. Things weren't like this before and it all changed upon his return from Iraq. But when I do get to see him which sadly, hasn't been that often, he's soo loving and attentive. But I do see sadness in his eyes and I always feel there is something he wants to say but he never does.

I guess it's just too much for him at the moment. He just got discharged from the Corp. and was diagnozed with his PTSD and come August he starts college. A new life.

What is one to do in such a situation ? I care alot about this man. I don't want to lose him.

 

[Thankful]

Some1sAngel...

what to do in your situation you ask..something only you can really determine, as you probably already know (and my have been only a rhetorical comment on your part). I do deal with a somewhat similar set of cirumstances, but definitely similar questions.....guy back from Iraq, " two (or more) people"...care about him a lot but his actions and words are very confusing and disturbing at times...how to be there for him but not go crazy myself etc etc.
Differing from your situation is that he and I broke up soon after his redeployment (a year and a half ago he redeployed)...I initiated it, but his actions played a huge part (or lack of). To this day, we care about each other very much, but as time has progressed his PTSD seems much more pronounced. I can only say that right now I'm glad he doesn't live in the same State as me as I find that who he is now - 'different people', often angry and stressed' can be more than I can take on a regular basis.

But...as I said before, I care about him a lot...so am plagued with similar questions as you, at times.
Right now, I'm learning that I can't handle too much of it and that I have to create boundaries, which consist mostly of me not reaching out to him but ever so sparingly and still allowing him to call, if he chooses, which is not often these days. Also, not obsessing about how he is doing etc and letting go...SO hard, that last part, as I feel like a 'bad person' for doing so...I worry about him....but if I don't let go I will suffer and that doesn't help him or me. this is much easier written than done..but I find when I do it, I'm much more peaceful.

So I share all this with you to show that others, such as myself, are in similar situations (not exact, but close) and that there isn't a definite answer on what you should do, but there is some definition on self-care, and that it's ok to put yourself first, even if it means some letting go, however you define that. Take care of yourself and how you feel...are you happy with how things are, right now? Or are you holding on to what could be, what he once was etc? I wasn't happy, so had to make space, but I've not left his life and have still loved him, and cared for him as a very good friend. I deal with worrying about him now, deal with his anger (sometimes) and can only imagine what it would be like if we were an actual couple. I don't think I could handle it (him), not the way he is right now.

best to you ~

 

[Some1sAngel]

Thank you for sharing your story with me SpecialK. Yes .. I agree, it's easier said than done.

At this point in time, I am feeling a cluster of emotions, sadness, confusion, anger. It's very hard to accept that he's changed. I had imagined a totally different scenario upon his return. Instead, I came face to face with a distant, cold, Marine. Slowly as the months passed it seemed to get worse. I was hurt and confused. I didn't know what had gone wrong. Was it me ? Had he lost interest ? Is there another ? Typical questions. I now know what brought on this change, his PTSD.

I have come to the conclusion that I must take care of myself and let go just a tad. I don't know what will happen with us, since it's riding on him. It's a constant fear. I'm in love with this man and I don't want it to end like this. But it's not healthy to continue this way either. Such a hard decision ... but this I do know, I don't blame him.

 

[Thankful]

You are wise to notice it's not healthy, good for you. Having unanswered questions as you do - continuously - is, or can be such a drain. I completely remember that. I can SO relate to you!
Sometimes just doing that 'health check' is good enough, it helps give perspective on how we are spending our energy and if it is productive in any way. usually, worrying isn't healthy for our bodies/minds - worrying that they aren't ok, worrying that we will lose them etc. Just writing this is such a good reminder for myself (thanks!).

My other 'simple' technique is remembering that no one is ever truly 'mine', even if in a relationship, we are always our own person. And allowing that to be so, for the both of you, right now. It can be really freeing! :)

Best to you ~

 

[Some1sAngel]

Thanks Specialk for ur 'simple' technique. I'll have to remember that one.

I guess .. only time will tell if he'll get better and if we will be able to pick up where we once left off. I can't just push him out of my life (alot of people around me think I'm crazy for "putting" up with his attitude towards me) I care a lot about him and I plan on being here for him. But while at the same time, taking care of myself.

And although his behavior confuses me, I'll try my hardest NOT to take it personal. Hope I'm strong enough for this one .. I always slip. I know deep down he doesn't mean to treat me this way .. it just happens .. he keeps me far away from his PTSD. I guess he's got his reasons .. wish I knew what there were.