Cutting Comfort

[Chava]

cutting myself up in my imagination, sleeping with my knife, tired of trying, and tired of my voice, my mind, my guts, my sad self that can't be fixed.

 

[Bookoffee]

Try sleeping with your teddy bear instead of a knife?

 

[Jane.l]

You're still fighting it - you are doing a good job - keep it in your imagination it will pass eventually - let it pass then you won't have to deal with the guilt . I am right where you are too .

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I think sleeping with a teddy bear would be more comfortable. My therapist once recommended drawing on myself with red marker when I felt like cutting. I have never tried it, but maybe that would help you. I hope you get some peaceful sleep to help you through this despair.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I keep my cutting tools next to my bed. If I get too depressed I move them to the freezer. But the knife I have for protection stays within reach.
Can you muster some energy to take a shower and condition your hair? Put on soft clothes and get a comfort object. Go to your safe place and visualize yourself safe and healing. Breathe in safe, breathe out calm just do it until you're feeling back in your body. Remember to eat. It will help your meds work better.

When can you see your therapist again? Can you call or text an SOS?
Chava, you can do this. You can take a mental vacation without self harm. Think soothing thoughts even if you hate it, breathe and soothe. Keep posting. I'm sending healing thoughts your way.

 

[Chava]

I'm too embarrassed to go to ER for jumping in chest because it's benign. And my therapist changed the rules on e-mail without explaining them to me...always saying I never e-mail too much and it's okay, but she became less responsive unfortunately after I told her my most disgusting nightmare and memories. And I'm not doing any transference here. She probably got sick of this stuff coming out in e-mail vs face-to-face or something but hasn't explained it. I even asked about her responding less and she said she's been busy. I understand she has a life too. But she's been busy since I told her my most humiliating shit. And now I keep dropping hints about wanting to die and she doesn't respond. I wish she'd just tell me she doesn't know how to help me....or what lesson she is trying to teach me.

I was probably less aware before starting therapy but lately I feel like I'm more damaged because I brought up stuff I never told anyone and feel like I'm been left hanging in the dark with it. Cut open and bleeding. I feel so empty. I can only trust non-human things.

I feel so worthless and disgusting.

 

[Jane.l]

I am going through a similar thing - my T hardly ever responds to my emails now but after I have questioned it - he doesn't want to reinforce my negative behaviours - I hate it but kinda makes sense - and he can't get too involved because then he is too close to help - sometimes that feels like he doesn't care but actually maybe it's the opposite ? Think this maybe what your T is doing too ? As much as it's logical it still stings .

 

[Chava]

I have no idea what she is doing. She's just different. And it happened after I shared too much. I'm so disgusting. She really seemed more kind, compassionate, and connected when she thought I just had medical trauma or something. I feel like I have the wrong kind of trauma maybe and since she's reacting differently to some of this other stuff it makes me feel like I really am the gross, horrible, disgusting, worthless girl who should have been dropped off a cliff. I want to go back to having the right kind of trauma so I don't feel totally alone with how much this hurts. I find myself detaching more because I'm in a sort of abyss, where my body wants to recover but my head doesn't want to screw up or say the wrong thing or make her disconnect more. But it's too stressful. I should just quit and let myself go back to the softer oblivion I had before.

My life doesn't work. I'm breaking.
I don't know what to do.

 

[Jane.l]

Sharing makes you feel very insecure - it's a truly horrible feeling . It really won't be about what you have told her but email her
And be direct that you are feeling bad because you feel her attitude has changed since your last session . Don't let your mind do the working out - express the problem and let your T give you an explanation - don't second guess or wind yourself up with maybes get it from her straight - it won't be about what you told her promise . sleep now

 

[Chava]

It already took me loads of guts to ask about her unresponsiveness on the e-mail (before this disclosure she had been really helpful and always assured me it was okay when I worried I was bugging her probably). She said she was just really busy (it's been several months like this). So I was straight with her and feel like she wasn't straight with me, and oddly that makes me feel very stupid. Invalidated I guess.

@kwanyin I've e-mailed her a few times since yesterday. Again, I even felt really embarrassed to tell her honestly how depressed I feel...because I don't want to be a downer. No reply yet. I feel really stupid. I'm in a lot of pain, too, so should have done a laparoscopy but I feel like my body had a lot of shit it wanted to resolve this spring so I'd feel strong enough to maybe do that...and instead I felt really shaky and like I'd kill myself from recovery pain and not be able to ask anyone for help. I feel like I can't do all of this much more. And I felt really scared telling my therapist that and now I think she won't respond, so even if it makes no sense...it feels like telling me it's okay if I die...which feels like a message I have buried very deep.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Chava - Do you have anyone else that you can turn to for support other than your therapist?

 

[KwanYingirl]

I hear that loud and clear! What do you think is the possibility that your therapist has never heard anything more disgusting than what you told her? If she works with trauma survivors she's got to have heard it all, don't you think? Maybe it's a sad situation because you don't sound safe with her right now. And dropping death hints I think they are trained to not react to that the same with cutting. None of my therapists react to my wounds which I interpret that they think I do it for attention. That is SO NOT why I cut. You know and I know what it's about. I'm the queen of self harm. But it is a signal that there is despair and deep, deep pain. I hope you can work things out with her. I'm really sensitive to subtle changes in my therapist. I think people with PTSD are very savvy with that. Anyway, sometimes I look at him and I think he has dissociated!! He gets a glazed look .in his eyes. Then I just get pissed off and leave. I'm paying him to take care of me and I resent that he isn't paying attention to me. Do you have the book "The Courage to Heal"? There's a lot of support in there regarding breaking silence and shame. You've got the healing pain, the temporary backslide from breaking silence because the outcome is never what we want it to be. I give you credit for dumping that story and I identify so much with you, you have no idea. It's like you're reading my mind.

You know with my worries about my pelvic pain and it took soooo long to calm down about that and then the pervert at work that I couldn't stand up to. My therapist was too blunt with me and didn't honor my inability to speak up to him.

I guess regardless of our best intentions, therapists are human and have quirks too. I can see your despair after you told her something horrific and she seems distant now. But the possibility still exists that it wasn't her intention to alienate you. This is the sort of situation that she should double up your sessions so you don't have to ruminate for a whole week.

I don't do anger well, so I won't comment on that except to say that depression is anger turned inward.