Cutting Comfort

[Jane.l]

Hey it's not ok - your t would never think that's ok . I am so sorry things are this tough right now . Sometimes t's are just really busy and they mean to get back to you but things come up and they are only human - I say that like I am ok with it but I go through all the invalidation you are and it drives me crazy - my T is my only support - just explain to her how low you feel when she doesn't respond - hang on in there you can sort it -

 

[Chava]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve ...unfortunately, no. I'm trying to get there (better relationships) but I'm moving backwards at the moment. It's hard to trust people when I'm most vulnerable...so I don't try because the risk is too great. If help or even kindness isn't received it's like that affirmation I deserve my pain (or I should die).

Thank you @Jane.l Yeah, I still feel like she's sick of me. I am too, so I understand!

@KwanYingirl thanks for all your sharing. I just can't tolerate feeling alienated when things feel really bad and I wish I didn't have so many crisis days. Revolves a lot around pain but I feel like I took a step forward that set me in hell...not glossing over my life or filling with distractions to avoid feeling useless and non-existent. Now I just feel it. Nothing makes me happy because it all feels like a game to occupy me while I avoid feeling my emptiness (this in itself is a really old pattern). My therapist is probably sick of my moods.

I was in ER last week for heart/panic. If my muscle relaxants don't help with cramps I'm afraid I'll go crazy and go back. My new hormones were supposed to level the chaos up in there, and maybe they are working a little, but I just want to die and there are big pieces of tissue coming out (not just clots but tissue). Sorry that's gross. I should have probably done the surgery. Now I probably have to wait until next summer because I do not have a sub for my teaching position. So everything feels like too much, like I've burned up all my positive energy and it's like I want to hang onto my therapist so I don't drown and it's feels like she's trying to brush me off like a barnacle. Anyway, I'll see ob/gyn again soon.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Chava - I am sorry that there is no one you can get support from. I have some support, but it is hard to trust that relationship. I hope that your therapist gets back to you. Did going to the ER help your panic when you went? Perhaps the ER can help with what's going on right now. I wish that there was a magical wand that I could wave and help you instantly.

 

[Chava]

So far muscle relaxants helping cramps, worst maybe gone. No cutting, but sleeping with knife is more comforting than stuffed animal. I wish I hadn't gotten so detached. I don't know what happened exactly so I can't fix it.

 

[Bookoffee]

@Chava I hope today is nicer to you.

I am not sure I can give you any advice but I can share my own stories.

I understand how it feels worring about what is going through other's mind when they don't respond the way you expect. I was worried that I over step my boundaries with you until I read what was really going on with you.

I became so dependant on my therapist and she aborsb the role of taking care of me. When I married my wife, the therapy became weird. She could no longer give me good advice or guidance. It became very controlling on her part. I became scared to see her because I fear what she would do.

Being inbetween therapist is hard and I feel as though my life is spinning out of control. I have no soical skills and I was on my way to the hospital until I found this site. Just writing what I feel and going through has been helpful for me.

I wish I could give you grounding skills but a lot of them feel and seem silly when all you want to do is cut the pain out.

I hope you can find comfort in your teddy bear more then your knife today

 

[Chava]

Thanks @Bookoffee , I still prefer my knife. I think it's that I trust the notion of protecting (or, oddly hurting) myself more than comfort. But I did have a nice dream about my grandma (one is still living)...she lives far away and isn't very mobile any more and I always hope I will get to see her again. So, it was nice to see her in a dream and I'll probably give her a call when I feel okay. But it feels like things I care about and people who care about me keep disappearing and nothing is replaced. It's not that I don't try, because I do try to replace or fill the emptiness, and create new relationships, but it isn't working. Everyone else has families and nobody needs me really unless I'm over-working. I'm good with working. But for the rest of life, it just feels like a game and I'm losing. I just get more and more empty.

So I feel like I've actually gained some sort of destructive clarity and feel pretty hopeless, or am just super triggered...or a confusing mix of both. And it feels hard to even trust anyone with my shitty burden of sadness. I have to find a way to suck it in or go back to glossing it over and detaching...I'm doing that in some part to keep things manageable I think.

I have a sort of shell I can go into and it takes forever to trust anyone enough for me to come out...I spend most of my time in here, not really connecting with anyone. I feel like I've tried coming out of it but I can't...and yet if I go back in, I know it's just worse because I'm more and more scared to come back out the next time...it's like my body doesn't have enough energy for it anymore. Sort of like if I drink again, I think I'll be dead...there probably is not a next sobriety. And if I go back in my shell totally, I won't survive that either. So that's scaring me...and that little bit of fear is the only real feeling I have right now...probably because it feels all about survival.

 

[Bookoffee]

I feel your pain and loneliness. I think that was why I broke-down on FaceBook. My wife can help me so much. I figured if I shared my pain and feeling empty not having a family beside my wife, they would all come running to me and apologize to me. I know it sounds crazy, but that was my train of thinking. I couldn’t stop myself to save myself.

I would always cut with razors. I had many packages of straight edge razors next to my bed. It was a huge step forward to throw them out. I do not know how or when, but I was able to embrace my self-care over self-harm.

 

[Chava]

For the most part I think I'm beyond self-harm. I can burn myself but more often I can't find a place I feel okay having a scar anymore...so that's helpful. And I can press a knife to my skin but can't cut. But I imagine myself bleeding and it seems to relieve something.

Self-care is still hard, aside from basically eating 3 meals and sleeping sort of when people sleep (on medications). But between self-harm and total self-care I seem to be trapped in some place of self-protection. I don't have different personalities but I definitely have a more childish self that creates her own worlds, or safe bubbles...in an adult way I can get absorbed in something like a painting. In a childish way I will do anything to stay away from relationships, away from people, out of trouble. I will study trivial things or get absorbed into something really meaningless (and that's where it's starting to feel like a game).

My therapist did reply this morning, but I don't recognize her as a safe person anymore. I feel like I'm too far gone into already creating another little safe world for myself that doesn't involve any other humans. I just have to go there to NOT self-harm probably. So my little bubble world or shell protects me from others and, with that, also protects me from myself. It happened so fast this time (going back into my bubble/shell) but I've really just wanted to die, so I had to do something. So if I'm not on here, that's probably where I am, but hopefully back sometime.

 

[Bookoffee]

I am sorry I am full of anxiety today so I am not make sense, but you bring relief to my mind that I am not the only one going through this right now. My last therapist tried to convince me I had Multiple Personality. It scared me so much that I went right into child mind. I couldn’t get out of it no matter how hard I tried. Every time the adult mind would surface, I would have major panic attacks to the point of making myself sick.

 

[xena21]

She really seemed more kind, compassionate, and connected when she thought I just had medical trauma or something. I feel like I have the wrong kind of trauma maybe and since she's reacting differently to some of this other stuff it makes me feel like I really am the gross, horrible, disgusting, worthless girl who should have been dropped off a cliff. I want to go back to having the right kind of trauma so I don't feel totally alone with how much this hurts.

I wonder if you could just send her that? If you could let her know what you feel in the sense of how she is responding to you.

I don't know. I have such a hard time setting boundaries with anyone so I shouldn't be telling anyone anything, but I just thought that might sound good. I'm not supposed to email my therapist. She wants me just to talk to her at the session, so I think its good you can think about what you want to say in emails. I wish I could email because I do better writing things down, and especially during the week I am so messed up, you know? I hope you can figure things out and feel better.

 

[cupfish]

I am convinced that most trauma therapists actually hurt us more than heal. They have no idea that their screwing around with our psyches, unless the therapist is actually competent, makes us worse. I don't have the guts to kill myself. I dig at my flesh with my fingers until I gouge holes when it's bad. Hiding the wounds is so hard I gave up, even though it feels good to punish yourself for your useless, twisted life.