Cutting Ties With Toxic Family

[Gadgie]

I have cut all ties from my late wife's family, they were so cruel to me during the last week of here life, and did some things that you wouldn't even believe if I wrote them down? In fact they cut all ties with me.

They made my life unbearable, I simply couldn't believe that they could be so cruel, especially after all the years I have known them.

I still live in the same house, as moving isn't an option for me, and thankfully I haven't ran into any if them, and there are a lot of them, on any of my rare trips into town.

To be honest I'm glad I don't have any contact with any of them anymore, they made my life pure Hell, and although I'm now totally alone, I prefer things that way, they were of no help at all during the seven years I cared for my late wife, while she was bed bound.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I lost my own family twenty years ago, after the divorce from my first wife, I haven't seen or heard from my two daughters in all that time?

 

[Mikeb54]

I've made up my mind that it's something that I have to do for my physical and...

I am going through the same thing currently, I have a Mom who I took care of for 6 years, I was grateful for doing this has she has helped me out also. She has been there always for me, we even used to joke about things. Well a little before Thanksgiving, she took ill with End Stage COPD, I took her to the emergency room and discussed with my family about DNR and Hospice, which all agreed. So now to current, I teased my Mom about tripping her, which we both agreed wasn't New cell so I escorted her down 2 stairs to get her out to her favorite chair outside. Next day my brother who is living their now currently, took over helping my Mom, which is good. I have no regrets, but we don't get along, Alcohol for him, bipolar disorder with me. I'm stepping away from my family members as per instructions from my family and psychology for my well being, it hurts yes, but to give my Mom and family tranquillity in life it's something that I feel is good. Hopefully I am doing the right thing, I did say good bye to my Mom.

 

[Rayar]

A couple years ago my dad beat me and got arrested. He has been abusive physically and emotionally my whole life but that was the first time he got in trouble for it. Anyways, after that I was kicked out and went to live with my aunt. I didn't speak to my dad or have any contact for a year and it was the best year of my life. I would have continued to not have contact but my aunt did not respect my decision to keep him out of my life and forced me to invite him to my graduation which I was miserable at.

Now I am back living with him and I am miserable again. I'm supposed to move across country next summer and I know I want to cut ties with him. Even having his last name makes me feel sick. I don't plan to come back for any holidays or birthdays. If my mom or siblings want to see me then they can come visit. I know it will probably hurt my dads feelings and he will be mad but he did it to himself and I am certain this is the right thing for me to do.

 

[laurainalameda]

Sounds wonderful. Have you chosen your new last name yet? My understanding is that Jackson and Brown are the two most common names in the US, and so even if you're family know your new namw, it will be difficult for them to find you.

As for you dad feeling sad, consider this. If you had been beat up by a stranger, and that stranger had been sent to jail for a year, would you be considering thier feelings? Now, what if that stranger had moved in next door, and you felt threatened by his presence? Now do you worry about his feelings? Just something to think about.

 

[Jano]

I did the same thing two years ago after just having enough abuse by my younger brother. It was the classic case of the golden child vs the scapegoat(me). My mom was a classic case. She carried over resentment from being abused by her brother, I remember the story to this day how he would tie her up in a chair when her parents went out and he would torment her. Some how my mom related with my younger brother(a mirror of her) and I as like her own abusive brother.

It was a awful experience as a child with a mother I could not trust or feel genuine love from. My younger brother learned this same behavior and became manipulative and taking similar liberties to abuse and blame me for his own misdoings. I will not go into details but there were many instances.

The final draw came as a result of him stealing my life savings some 30 years ago. When the theft occurred, he had promised to repay it all within a year. Each time I asked for it after non-payment he then switched his ignorance to, "I will give it to you when you need it". If I had only had more self esteem then I would of taken him to court, but I had believed that one does not sue family. I no longer believe that now. I never then actually expected he would repay me.

Its 30 years later and the money he stole has only 1/3 its current value Being angry due to loosing my job over a disability I had been out of work for seven years. I told him he owned me much more than the initlal money he stole due to current value. That is the amount you need years later to buy the same groceries due to inflation. He had access to my money for 30 years and had been receiving intrest. I was angry that I lost all those years of interest by a scum bag as he was. The more I thought about it, my brother stole from me, lied and not had returned it as promised, then thought it was his right to keep my money year after year earning intrest on it. And me receiving none on my own funds.

I told him two years ago he owned me current value due to the time and changes in what I need to buy the same goods. He thought it was outragious. I gave him the option to repay me or that he was never to contact me again. He chose not to contact me.

I realize I am better for it for it tells me he really was never a real brother, only by birth. It is my moral conviction that family is not suppose to steal, lie or cheat, though some do. I no longer consider him family. Even if for some reason he does repay me things will never be the same. I feel much better about myself most of the time because I no longer have a sibling who criticizes me or does things behind my back

 

[Mz.newnew]

I plain on moving away with my fiancee & kids from my toxic family members i we all moved to the same city promising to be there for each other and care for each other since my grandmother passed let's just say it didn't work out that way ...they became backstabbing...two faced lying for no reason ...starting drama ...be in yo face then talking about yo to other I just know I'm better if without them.

 

[Jbpost52]

I did this. I moved across the country, like you did. I stopped talking to everyone in my family. I haven'...

From someone who has been in your shoes and made the plunge a year and a half ago, its the best thing I have done. I have a younger sibling who is mentally abusive, had stolen my life savings some 30 year ago and never returned it. After informing him he owes me the current value of what he stole, he refused. I decided to give him an option, pay me back or sever ties with me, he chose to sever ties. Although I made it easy to reach my goal, it was an emotional roaller coaster for a few months. I came from a home where my mother related to the younger brother setting up from early childhood, the golden child vs the scapegoat scenero. It caused a lot of resentment, the younger learning ways to pull my strings and get away with it with my mother, she supported him when he was wrong. Needless to say I had a poor relationship with her and my younger sibling. Back to the severed relationship. Was the best thing, not having to associate with him any longer, not hearing the sarcasm and critiizims. I wish I would of done it sooner. Due to statute of limitations I cant sue him for the money he stole. When it occurred I had grown up with guilt set in by my mother, for some reason I thought you don't sue family. But it was also my value that family does not steal from family. I overlooked that somehow. If it occurred today I would sue him in a moment after having gone through years of manipulation and neglect on his part. Dump them it will be the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

[lolamarie1800]

It took me a long time, plus the loss of a huge amount of money (thousands of dollars), a protection orde...

The individual wanting to cut the ties are criticized and hunted down by them for not contacting or interacting with them in which they are prohibited in doing so because their abusers are ones that won't let them go. I find that ironic considering the hell that these people put them and yet they want to keep these individuals within close proximity so that they can continue abusing them

 

[lolamarie1800]

Totally relate. It's surreal how much our identities are repressed growing up in those situat...

That's it, abusers will use the line"everybody makes mistakes" to pull wool over your eyes so that they won't be held accountable for what have done. It's all a ruse for them to continue with their abusive tirades by using that metaphor. Also, forgiveness is another metaphor used by psychopaths or abusers to keep their victims at bay so that they can exploit and manipulate them. I am really not that keen on forgiveness, particularly, when it involves monsters abusing their children and destroying their lives in which it interferes with the positive functioning of the individual. The reason why is because the damage that abuser has caused will never, ever go away, and for the most part, they expect and believe that they are entitled to be forgiven by their victims, as though, it will erase the horrific memories and trauma that they deliberately inflicted on their victims. I believe people should have a choice to not forgive their abusers and to cut ties with them for good without external influences or criticism from others

I have Jimni. It was no small feat. I have a huge family. It was a cesspool of judgment, gossip...

I applaud you for you triumph because you have the right to protect yourself and your sanity from abusive blood-relatives, who are bent on destroying you. I cut ties with my immediate family members to a great extent, living in another state, and only contacting one relative by phone call once a month so that they won't hire a private investigator to look for me. Give yourself a pat on the back

It only ever graduated to physical abuse when I flipped out one day from stopping my meds abruptly, and...

That's it, you can only take so much and you either "fight or flee the situation". Fleeing the situation is probably the best solution to avoid getting caught up in the legal system and being charge with assault or something worse. Cutting off contact by relocating to another state will spare you from doing something heinous, and it will spare your mental health

It absolutely does get better when you leave any toxic situation. For me, the only regret I have...

It definitely got better for me as well because I was able to focus on my needs and self without having to put family members first and ignoring my needs. So, yes there are many benefits in severing ties with toxic family members; the benefits outweigh the bad

Couldn't agree with you more

By remaining in relations with toxic family members, the individual mainly does it based on traditional beliefs that families should never depart and remain together through thick and thin. Ignoring the abuse and trauma that toxic family members have inflicted on relatives by justifying these irrationalities.

What do you say when people ask you if you get along with your family?

I think it's a strange question and...

Oh, I get that quite often, and you are correct, it is really none of their business. However, people are conditioned into believing that regardless of what family members do to their loved ones, it is trivial compared to that of remaining together as a family because of blood connectivity. I don't agree with it because first of all, no one chooses to be born to their parents; its just random luck and has nothing to with being tied down irrationally to families that despise and mistreat you

I've been feeling pretty at peace with the situation for the last few days, and I'm not thinking so much...

The main reason why they want to remain in contact with you, not because they care about you or even love you, it's about control and having the final say in your decisions. Abusers typically want to dominate and control their victims because it empowers them

I think I know what you mean there ProOptimist.

I've been having a similar conflict recently about aban...

I agree that forgiveness is misinterpreted, especially by abusers and perpetrators assuming that reconciliation is entails it, but it doesn't. I think that is one of the reasons why some people choose not to forgive because they are aware that most people definition of forgiveness is to reconcile with their abusers and it shouldn't be.

 

[rosey]

I've made up my mind that it's something that I have to do for my physical and...

Hi I have cut off from my enitre family. I wrote to them all explaining my reasons and asked them to leave me to live my life. that was three years ago. it was both the best and worst thing that i have done. My family didnt pout up a fight against it, i had a few awful letters and phone calls branding me a nasty person but no attempt to accept their responsibility and no attempt to rectify the situation only angry insults. It hurt that they didnt fight to keep me. my life is soooo much better not having them in it and it got to a point of being them or me so there was little option. I like that i no longer have to put up with how they treat me but do miss the connection of having family. this though is just some hope as they were never really there in the first place.
i have stopped worrying now about what other people think about me not having family, other people make choices for their lives that I wouldnt make for mine so if they cant accept that then not the sort of people i need bother about.

so in the main it was a good decision, but it does hurt often and yes the guilt has had me about to run back several times but I wont.