Relationship Dating combat vet who ghosted

[at a loss]

It might not have anything to do with PTSD. He might just not be as interested in you as he was before. It happens a lot when people get hot and heavy online/via text and then meet each other later. Its the real world setting in.

And that’s the hard part...if I knew, I could either accept and move on, or wait for whatever he needs from me. I explained more below, forgot some crucial info in my first post. If you have time to read it and give me your thoughts, I’d appreciate it.

 

[EveHarrington]

I also don’t understand why if it’s his issues and not me, the I love yous and terms of endearment are gone. Does that make any sense?

It’s very possible that it has 0% to do with you. When we go through shutdowns, sometimes all emotions just disappear. I’m going through this right now. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend but at the same time I have no feelings towards him. He knows what I’m going through and understands that my feelings are just buried.

 

[sadgirl]

He was trying to tell me how bad he is bc of what he had to do at war

If you google "moral injury" and read about it, you may find some insights into what he's going through and why he's pulling back and being less expressive about his feelings. It helped me to better understand my vet.

From what you describe, it sounds like he cares about you. Like Eve said, there is a good chance this is not about you at all.

 

[Freida]

Like Eve said, there is a good chance this is not about you at all.

may or may not be about you - but if you are going to have a relationship with one of us, and you get a runner or an isolater, this is what life will be like. It doesn't matter how much I may love you. When I'm in shut down mode you cease to exist. And that probably won't change. So this might be a good time to ask yourself if that is something you are willing and able to live with.

 

[at a loss]

If you google "moral injury" and read about it, you may find some insights into what he's going through and why he's pulling back and being less expressive about his feelings. It helped me to better understand my vet.

From what you describe, it sounds like he cares about you. Like Eve said, there is a good chance this is not about you at all.

Thank you for your suggestion- I had never heard of moral injury before, and that sounds exactly like what is going on with him. I did send him a message last week telling him he broke my heart and I wouldn’t bother him anymore...assured him that I am here for him if and when he wants me. His reply was, “I’m sorry broke your heart, but I do love you.” And then basically said he has so much going on and I’m not there to help him because I live far way so he needed to distance himself. And he was annoyed by my email. Now he isn’t even reading and replying. I don’t know what to do...I replied to his that if he told me he loved me and asked me to wait, I would. He never replied.

 

[at a loss]

It’s very possible that it has 0% to do with you. When we go through shutdowns, sometimes all emotions just disappear. I’m going through this right now. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend but at the same time I have no feelings towards him. He knows what I’m going through and understands that my feelings are just buried.

I’m not asking this sarcastically, I genuinely want to know. When you are doing that does common courtesy get overlooked? Do you still communicate with people who don’t know what all you are going through? There is a point where it’s just rude, and so unlike him.

 

[Freida]

I’m not asking this sarcastically, I genuinely want to know. When you are doing that does common courtesy get overlooked? Do you still communicate with people who don’t know what all you are going through? There is a point where it’s just rude, and so unlike him.

pretty much. But I think it is one of those concepts that mean different things. For you common courtesy is answering an email. When I'm in that place for me common courtesy is not bothering me in the first place. I don't mean that to sound snarky -- just to point out my brain is in a different place than my supporters.

And yep - I talk to strangers and friends just fine. Because it's easy to keep a facade up for the few minutes (or sometimes hours) I'm around them. They don't want anything from me. They don't want to talk about a relationship, or whine that I'm not giving them the attention they need, or try to discuss why I'm in such a mood. They just want to bs with me about surface stuff.

Relationships have to go on the back burner until my brain stops screaming. I have to get away from anything that makes the noise worse. That includes people who love me - because after a while all I hear is waawaaawaa... When I'm isolated I'm a different person. Period. That's. Why. I. Isolate. Because I'm not me. I'm me under fire - and that makes me think and behave differently. The last thing I need is someone bugging me about our love life.
For me common courtesy means leaving me alone until I can settle back down.

 

[LuckiLee]

You told him he broke your heart and you wouldn't bother him again. Yet you keep emailing for answers he can't give you. Common courtesy to me is saying you're gonna do something, you do it. PTSD is a mental illness. You can't love it out of him..... When someone "broke my heart". I sure didn't give them a second chance to do it again. Give him the space he needs. Sorry you're hurting!

 

[at a loss]

Lol, I understand your point. When I said that I thought that was what he wanted. I didn’t expect him to reply that he loves me. I think you saw what I didn’t realize - I have been trying to give him love to help the hurt. I have PTSD as well, but mine is from watching my dad die after a motorcycle accident when I was young. It affects me very differently than the ways I am learning through him, and all of you. So, I guess my question is - do I stop all contact from me - or is it nice to let him know once in awhile that I’m there if he needs me?

 

[LuckiLee]

Don't take this the wrong way but I think you should be asking yourself a few questions. Like why are you so invested in a relationship of TWO WEEKS? You have messaged and he hasn't responded. Seems like that's your answer. I hope I'm not sounding rude, just don't want you to hurt longer then necessary. Find someone open to a relationship.

 

[at a loss]

pretty much. But I think it is one of those concepts that mean different things. For you common courtesy is answering an email. When I'm in that place for me common courtesy is not bothering me in the first place. I don't mean that to sound snarky -- just to point out my brain is in a different place than my supporters.

And yep - I talk to strangers and friends just fine. Because it's easy to keep a facade up for the few minutes (or sometimes hours) I'm around them. They don't want anything from me. They don't want to talk about a relationship, or whine that I'm not giving them the attention they need, or try to discuss why I'm in such a mood. They just want to bs with me about surface stuff.

Relationships have to go on the back burner until my brain stops screaming. I have to get away from anything that makes the noise worse. That includes people who love me - because after a while all I hear is waawaaawaa... When I'm isolated I'm a different person. Period. That's. Why. I. Isolate. Because I'm not me. I'm me under fire - and that makes me think and behave differently. The last thing I need is someone bugging me about our love life.
For me common courtesy means leaving me alone until I can settle back down.

I so appreciate that you are sharing what it is like for you when you isolate. It really helps me to understand how his brain may be working. I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but does it usually last days, weeks, months? I can’t stop worrying about him.

 

[at a loss]

Don't take this the wrong way but I think you should be asking yourself a few questions. Like why are you so invested in a relationship of TWO WEEKS? You have messaged and he hasn't responded. Seems like that's your answer. I hope I'm not sounding rude, just don't want you to hurt longer then necessary. Find someone open to a relationship.

I know it sounds crazy - after only two weeks. I was asking myself that during that time...all the while he was talking about even moving here.

I really don’t expect anyone to understand. I realize that it sounds ridiculous after two weeks, but it was very intense...and that intensity was started by him