DID deliberate fragmented systems

[Polyfractal]

I have DID. My systems were deliberately created by my abusers. They knew the working of DID. I was tormented in the underground for many years, being mind controlled and programmed. I had a lot of out of body experiences. I was splitting myself into polyfragments until I had no pain. I was bleeding during the sexual abuse. I had to witness cannibalism and murders by the abusers. I was splitting nonstop exponentially.

 

[Weemie]

Welcome to the forum; as a general rule we don't use trigger warnings as codified by the community constitution -> here. It absolutely sounds like you are in the grinder right now, with a lot of deep, dark and heavy shit, but all the same - welcome. I'm sorry for what brings you here but grateful you were able to reach out.

 

[Teamwork]

Welcome to the forum. I love your bravery in talking about it. I’ve not done that yet outside therapy. I never thought people would believe or understand. Mostly because I don’t understand the level to which this was done to me or how it benefited them.

 

[Polyfractal]

 

[Sideways]

@Polyfractal - is there a discussion about you want to have with members about this?

If not, I'll move these posts into your trauma diary, which looks to be a better place for them.

If you have questions about how the forum works, you can check out the New Member Help Page, or Contact Us.

 

[Polyfractal]

This is our detailed DID systems map. Anyone else has a DID map too? I am interested to see like minded sufferers.

 

[Weemie]

I tried to make a "map" once at my therapist's request in like 2017, but I have too many fragments to track. I ultimately determined it wasn't important, what was important is what I'm doing and how I'm living and existing coherently. When you get into the hundreds of thousands of iterations it clearly starts to repeat. Interestingly, I was watching a documentary about the universe and it said that if the universe is finite, eventually it will have made every single thing that molecules and particles arranged together can make, so it will just start repeating again and again. So there could be exact copies of Earth, or you, or me, or anybody. It seems perseveration is a common thread in our neurobiology.

 

[Sideways]

I won't copy it in, because it's got info I don't want public, but mine is a large house.

I started with the tree version, where you get older parts the higher you go. That was useful for understanding where my parts cane from - what trauma created them, and how old are they. But I found that the house better represents how my parts are organised internally.

Different rooms, different levels of security, some very detailed with others having very little info, some are very open, some parts have doors between their rooms because they talk to each other without talking to me. I chill out in the lounge room and communicate with the outer world from there, and there's comfy seats for parts to join me while that's happening.

My youngest parts live in a playroom at the furthest end of the house. We designed it together and it's the safe space they go to when I need to do adult stuff, or stuff that will make them feel unsafe.

Another of my parts is currently in a secured room, because it's not safe for her to interact with anyone.

And of course there's a conference room. None of my parts live in the conference room, but it's where we get together to communicate internally as a group. Rules about decorum apply in that room.

So, my "map" is really more a tool for how I keep my parts organised internally, and reflects more how we communicate with each other and coexist. It's helpful to me, because I designed it with my parts, to reflect the different needs and relationships I have with my parts, so that I can maintain good internal communication.

It's changed a little over the years - originally some of my younger parts had secret tunnels to my diplomat, so that they could raise issues with the part they felt safe talking to, without me knowing that communication had taken place (which is what tends to happen for me - I don't always know that parts have been communicated). Those tunnels have been filled in now, because those parts feel safe coming to me directly.

It was also a helpful way for me to get to know some of my less communicative parts. Each part has their own room (I'm far more typical DID, with less than 26 parts), which they designed themselves (and periodically redesign!). That gives me insight into what's important to them, and what feels safe and like 'home' to them. For very young parts, I tweak the design to make sure it's genuinely safe and appropriate, because they're not all able to do that.

I still go through the process of "who are you, where did you come from, and why" like you do with the tree design, when I discover a new part. But once I've been through that process, they move into my internal house - I need to figure out how far out their room is from the central lounge, what does it look like, is the door going to be open, closed or locked (and if so, is it locked by them because they feel unsafe, or is it locked by me because they are dysregulated or unsafe).

Somewhere in my trauma diary I wrote about an episode of a weird tv show called Doom Patrol. One of the characters (Crazy Jane - humph) had DID, and for the most part it was the usual ridiculous representation of DID that you expect from TV. But there was one episode where they went into her internal system and it was a real eye opener for me - it was very much how I experience my parts internally. She had a sprawling underground network accessed by a subway, but the concept was incredibly helpful. Less "map", more "how do I experience my parts", and how can I use that to organise them, and our communication with each other. As a bonus, it also contains all the safe places that I send different parts to when required. I can now go into my internal house and get communication organised (rather than chaotic) really quickly, which has been really helpful for me.

 

[Polyfractal]

I also have a safe hiding place, here is the transcript of ourselves from a video we made privately:

we sometimes wonder why we were born as a battered existence
because we have lived in pain we lived through pain we lived by pain
we moved in through pain we breathed in pain we slept in pain
woke up in pain and walked in pain throughout the seconds,
onto the hours leading to the days and weeks and months and through years
and decades, we always lived in complex trauma

we have found out that the hallmark of trauma are simplified in 3 things
including pain, terror and humiliation, exploring through our traumatic pain
we have been trying to validate it beyond words by describing it architecturally
and mathematically. we have been hallucinating into our safe hiding place for many years
as a way to dissociate from the overwhelming traumatic pain
somehow our brain has created this place instinctively the underground industrial site
representing or symbolizing the nature of trauma
when a person is fragmented we can never discern it by face value
on the outside a traumatized person a fragmented person may look normal on the outside
but inwardly is a totally different world the damage seems invisible but is real, very real
and we were only able to validate our experience of the pain and consequence of
fragmentation that we have been through, through architectural elements
as we are going to the underground industrial site, there is that void, a massive empty space
all around, in the far distance, it seems to reach to an infinite end point
it actually symbolizes the emptiness that void that complex trauma had done to us

we were trying to express it through words about how we were feeling empty
but it was not validating enough, but as we were describing it architecturally
it expands through the length and width and height and depth in space to match
it more accurately as to how we felt like of that void as even trying to justify by saying
that it is extremely profound and maximal wasn't enough there has been a space
for instance 100 meters in human scale in width and 200 meters in length and 400 meters
in height and depth, since we have experienced multiple types of trauma
in a prolonged period of time, years after years and decades it has been repetitive
and we were trying to show in an architectural scale that complexity of the trauma
that we have been through layers of layers of damage and fragmentation that has done to us
to the system and it is shown through the space of that complexity of the layered structure
as in the space there is the trusses and steel and constructional beams the concrete walls

we have been through fragmentation and onto the stage of poly fragmentation and right now we
are fractal fragmented, there have been many layers of fragmentation, the complexity of
the trauma was shown through the multiple care givers and countless of perpetrators and
multiple abusers who had traumatized us, it was not like a singular incident, it was not a singular abuser
and it was deemed complex and we were trying to show that complexity through architectural means
as there were many layers of ceiling in the space, there are many different forms in the space
representing the different incidents and trauma that we have been through
the fragmentation was like painting a picture the more fragments that there were the more detailed
the picture is being painted and then it forms a structure, we couldn't even count the amount of trauma
we have been through because it was too many, the brutality of the space, the mechanic sound in the
distance the steel that are hard to the touch and that hostility through being in that space has
been representing that violence and sheer terror that we have been through through the many years
of trauma the hostility of the abusers, the brutality of their words and actions
and that coldness in the space and the sense of lifelessness that are in colors of grey and that
dark blue foggy atmosphere it is so dark and isolated, the coldness that are shown through the colors
of the concrete and that darkness representing that sorrow as a consequence of the chronic trauma
and that isolation being here underground symbolizes that isolation when we have been abandoned
and isolated for decades by the perpetrators, the pain that we have been through felt like we have
been struck by lightning. it has continued years on like this the pain was so persistent it never stopped
it echoes to the repetitive crashing sound in the distance the crashing mechanic sound crashing nonstop
of one crashing per second and it goes on and on and on it crash

words fail us when we say we are depressed, words fail us when we say we look normal on the outside,
words fail us when we say we are in pain, words fail us when we smile when we look at you,
words fail us when we say we are in trauma, words fail us when we say we can still breathe and are still alive
on the earth, words fail us when we say that we are fragmented. when we were in that underground
safe hiding place, in that realm when we look up we were looking up of an unending void we thought
that there was a ceiling, but there was no ceiling, we thought that it was a sky, but it was not a sky
cause we were in the underground place, we were in a place of inferiority, we felt like dust a speck of dust
looking up in the worm's eye view when we look below everything above was just so huge so massive
so powerful so overwhelming so overpowering, we were trapped in there we were stranded we tasted hell
when we looked up that weight from above crashes over us like tons of concrete and that volume was almost
out of human scale there was no ceiling and we were so lost and confused splitting and fragmenting ourselves
has become a daily routine our whole body couldn't contain all those fragments and it has to be contained on the outside
in the multiverse, multiverse is like multiple of universes, because there were too much fragments in us it
couldn't be contained in a universe, the pain that we felt was a different level of pain, it was a pain that had
completely disabled from doing anything, because we have been bedridden it was a pain so overwhelming
that we have to heavily dissociate on a daily basis, we map all over the world with the underground safe realm
where there are no intruders to come in to harm us, it was the dissociation that has saved us we have survived
because we have been relying on dissociation heavily over the years when we dissociated, we felt no pain
we felt really calm and safe we had to aggressively map all over the world merging the physical realm and
the pseudo physical realm together at the same time in order for us to continue to move on with our lives
cause otherwise we wouldn't be able to survive as extensive and as severe the chronic trauma we have been through
so as the frequency of the dissociation that we need has to be on a 24/7 basis dissociating from the environment
around us and of the self at the same time

 

[Sideways]

@Polyfractal - it may be a completely different internal experience for you, but that doesn't sound like a "safe space", but rather your internal experience which is a result of your trauma.

Safe spaces are something we create, free of the constraints of our illness, trauma, history, or rational constraints. They're a place that is limited only by our imagination, more along the lines of "If I could go somewhere, anywhere, that feels completely safe for me, it would be...".

Have you worked with that concept with your T? Personally, creating a safe space was something that came to me through a number of sessions or art therapy - because you're right, words sometimes completely fail and are too limiting. I used a combination of collage (magazine pics) and drawing.

It took quite a while, and I've had to create a few different ones - they're now part of my house. Safe places that I've internalised, and can go to when I want to feel safe.

I guess that's my way of saying: even though your trauma has left you feeling cold and lifeless and with a massive expanse of dark space internally, that doesn't mean that that's what your safe space might look like.

One of my parts has a giant Ficus in her room, because it brings her a sense of calm. Another part keeps cats, because she feels very lonely and isolated, but doesn't feel safe around people or constrictive relationships.

If you imagined a safe space for yourself, and it could be anything at all (looks, smells, sounds etc - like, it could be a forest that smells like the beach and has a whole heap of beanbags to sit on and a small fridge with an unlimited amount of orange juice and have a circle of small rounded colourful stones to hold onto - let your imagination go), and include anything at all that helps you feel centred in yourself and safe, would it be an underground industrial site (reminiscent of how your trauma feels)?

Or would it be entirely different, if it could be anything at all?

 

[whiteraven]

we have been hallucinating into our safe hiding place for many years
as a way to dissociate from the overwhelming traumatic pain
somehow our brain has created this place instinctively the underground industrial site
representing or symbolizing the nature of trauma

Can you say more about "hallucinating" into your safe place? For me, "hallucinating" has a negative and involuntary connotation. And creating/spending time in a safe place I created is different from dissociating. For me, again, a safe place is somewhere I've voluntarily created, a place to go to feel safe when things are hard.

it may be a completely different internal experience for you, but that doesn't sound like a "safe space", but rather your internal experience which is a result of your trauma.

This.

Safe spaces are something we create, free of the constraints of our illness, trauma, history, or rational constraints. They're a place that is limited only by our imagination, more along the lines of "If I could go somewhere, anywhere, that feels completely safe for me, it would be..."

And this.

I'm wondering if you've talked to your therapist about this? It might be really helpful to learn to create a space that is actually *safe*. Sorry if I am not understanding your idea of the concept here...maybe you can say more?

 

[Polyfractal]

I talked to my therapist about this internal place and she termed it "the safe hiding place", so that was the time I knew what it is called. Yes, the underground industrial site is a result of my trauma, it was created instinctively by the brutality of the abuse I have endured, but paradoxically is a safe hiding place for us, because we got used to the coldness of abuse, we were programmed by our abusers to embrace the hostility of the abuse. It may seem to be cold for most people, but we are okay with this. We have created many chambers inside this place. It is a "pseudo"-hallucination termed by my psychiatrist, which is voluntary and safe experience for me.