Desperately In Need Of Advice Following A Major C-ptsd Meltdown.

[Amy1234]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post ever on My PTSD (though admittedly I've spent a great deal of time on it in the past) - or any forum for that matter. I'm here because I desperately need some advice and insight, and I don't know who else I can talk to (I apologize for the length).

I was diagnosed with C-PTSD about 4 years ago, from a series of violent assaults/various forms of abuse in my childhood. Though I would like to think that it's largely under control and my partner doesn't see it rearing its ugly head very often, last night was another matter entirely. I'm convinced I had the meltdown of the century.

I feel awful about how things went down...especially as it was all over something so foolish. My partner and I were talking about an incident involving a friend (who recently tried to break up a fight and was injured), and this led to discussions of morality/the responsibility to intervene. My view is that I would (and have - hence many of the assaults I suffered) intervene no matter what, especially for a loved one. He felt that you need to weigh the risks first. To pursue my point, I asked "well, if my life were in danger you'd always immediately intervene, right?", to which it responded "it would depend". I think from the look on my face he saw I was hurt and he started to back-peddle and explain his response (which wasn't unreasonable in hindsight - "it may be more important to get help first", etc)...but it was too late. It was like a switch just went off in my head and I wasn't registering anything else.

It was an oops - a poorly-worded response - but the results were catastrophic. I'm acutely aware of why the statement bothered me so much (and do feel I have the right to be reasonably upset, considering that I'd gladly give my life to save his), but he has no idea what went on to cause my PTSD and so can't possibly understand why I had the reaction I did (despite years of therapy I still can't bring myself to talk about 99% of it)....suffice to say that most of the physical assaults that occurred happened in a very public setting (>20 witnesses the one time), at the hands of people I had trusted, in front of dozens of people I would have trusted to intervene. No one ever did. No one even bothered to say anything. In the worst instance, it was even made to be a spectacle, and I was essentially left to die (at 11 I was looking at a partial liver transplant and a kidney transplant after about a week in ICU).

I've never talked to anyone else about it before (not even my therapist), but ever since I've been absolutely obsessed. In every relationship I've been consumed by the question "would they have done something if they could have?"/"do I mean as much to them as they mean to me?"...I've deliberately distanced myself from people who just didn't instil that confidence, and in past relationships (where I haven't had much faith in the latter question) I've been accused of being cold and distant - even for sabotaging my own relationships. In short, I have major trust issues (albeit ones that people usually don't notice immediately). Except in this relationship. My partner and I have been together for well over a year, during which he has always gone above and beyond and been incredibly supportive of everything...this is the only time we've really had a legit disagreement....he's my best friend, and I'm quite convinced he's "the one".

I ended up on the floor of our ensuite for what seemed to be well over 2 hours in all-out meltdown (probably the worst I've ever had)...it was like I was right back there again (I rarely get flashbacks anymore), experiencing all the fear/betrayal/pain just as if I were being beaten again. I was utterly uncontrollable: sobbing loudly, sweating, jerking, gagging, heart racing, breathing erratically/nearly passing out...and the worst part (I have a yet to be diagnosed GI condition that we suspect is Crohns), I nearly shit myself from the stress of it all. When my partner finally managed to get the door open I had already wet myself and vomited on the floor (I just didn't register that the toilet was right by my head)...I've never felt so ashamed/embarrassed in my whole life.

After getting things cleaned up he brought me back to bed and got me calmed down, but I didn't sleep a wink. It's palpably obvious that this was a PTSD thing and that his statement triggered things in a major way (not only the PTSD, but serious Crohns-like pain and symptoms) and he feels terrible. I feel awful that he feels so guilty for something that really should have been just a small matter with a "normal" person...this shouldn't have happened, and I feel awful that he feels he has to walk on glass around me (he's been crazy apologetic/catering to my every whim) - he shouldn't have to be! It was just all so out of the ordinary for me and the whole situation is just out of the ordinary for us and I don't know what to do.

I've already told him "it's ok - no harm done!" and tried to reassure him that it wasn't his fault ("this is very much a 'me' issue, not a 'you' issue"), but he still clearly feels awful. What's worse: we only recently moved in with each other and his brother (who's also a university student), and while my partner is pretty well-versed in how my PTSD manifests itself, his brother doesn't even know I have PTSD. I was out of control last night and I know that my sobbing/retching was audible - I feel incredibly embarrassed and don't know how to deal with this...I don't want him to think that I'm an unhealthy partner for his brother (e.g. having meltdowns over seemingly little things), or worse have him tell his family how I acted (I love his family dearly and don't want them to think I'm emotionally manipulating their son and/or mentally unstable!)...should I say something? I feel like that would only make things worse. Should my partner say something? Frankly, I just don't want anyone else to know I have PTSD...it makes me feel crazy, pathetic, and otherwise not worthy of things. It's a no-win situation. Also, should I tell my partner why the statement bothered me so much? On one hand I feel like maybe if he had some context (e.g. even if he knew that it was physical assault) it could help him understand/potentially help prevent future episodes like this...but on the other hand I feel like it could make him feel worse (he had a very good, normal childhood...I often find that when I talk about seemingly normal things from my own past he's mortified).

So I turn to you, Internet community: what should I do? How do I handle this situation? I've been hiding out in the bedroom all morning because I'm afraid to deal with the fallout of last night's meltdown with his brother (who is also at home)...any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

 

[artemisberry]

Ahhh my heart goes to you out soo much... I'm sorry for what you went through and the repercussions you experienced last night. I've also just posted myself so I'm totally new to the forum. But I just felt I wanted to tell you my gut response to your post.

firstly my gut response to telling your partner is yes! definitely tell your partner about the original incident which was triggered after your conversation. he maybe shocked, probably will - I really relate to that thing of telling someone close something that you really think is not that bad and then seeing the shock and upset on their face. but just because he may respond with shock does not mean you shouldn't tell him . in all honesty I would think it really important to talk to him about it so he doesn't take on the all responsibility of your reaction and in also order for him to have context of you and your life, I think is it important for the growth of your intimacy - to move forward you kind of need to let him... scary I know.

Secondly I feel so sad about how hard your being on yourself. You have been traumatised and that's not your fault, you have flashbacks equally not your fault - its sounds like a horrible experience you had last night, so you need to TLC (Tender loving care) not berating yourself -I know its hard but try and find your self compassion and as far as his brother is concerned or anyone else- if they cannot find compassion and care for someone with a history of trauma then they can go f*ck themselves! sorry but its true, perhaps it will help to think of close friend going through your experience and flashback and how you would feel looking from the outside?

Just to say as well I so identify with this kind of response/flashbacks in those kind of conversations - I was not protected or rescued from abuse myself, and I know just painful that is and a slightly clinical comment like that may well have sent me loop la loop as well.

Take care and be kind to yourself

 

[arfie]

I have been in similar situations and go to the witness(es) and apologize in very broad strokes. For example, "I'm sorry you witnessed that and sincerely hope you are not too deeply effected by it. Are you okay?"

I don't always need to do an avoidance maneuver to get out of telling them the gory details. They don't always want to know, but when they do, I tell them it is deeply personal and sensitive. Not a thing I enjoy talking about. Maybe some day...

Whatever you work out for your own case, Amy, you have my sympathy. These meltdowns are embarrassing to the max.

Welcome to the forum. Now that you have broken the ice, I hope we will get to see more of you.

 

[Go Hungry]

You should totally tell your partner the truth of what happened. He's probably so completely confused right now that he doesn't know which end is up, particularly if he had an idyllic childhood. As for your roommate, his brother.. I would say that you need to let him know a truncated version. If anything just say there were 'bad times'.. that's what I tell people when they ask. I just say bad times and leave it at that.

The reason I think you should tell him is A: he's your roommate, and you should really give an explanation of some sort if you're going to be living together for any length of time. B: he's your partners' brother, which makes it even more important that he know. Again, I say.. you don't need to hand out any details to the brother. But it would probably help to make some sort of explanation.

I've lived with unstable folks sometimes (and the poor things had to live with me :laugh:) It is definitely a good thing for everyone to be on the same page about things. I'm really secretive about who I tell about my mental illness' too. It's just one of those things that is necessary to do sometimes. :(

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forum! I'm so sorry for all that you have gone through.

If my roommate was as upset as you were, I would be wondering if they were very ill or even contagious or what the heck was going on. Even if I knew they had PTSD, I still would be very concerned. I think that in the case of a roommate who doesn’t know, then the lack of information could create a lot more fear and apprehension, not less.

Chances are your boyfriend has already said something to his brother/your roommate. However, I think you and him and everyone will still be much better off if you say SOMETHING to him.

suffice to say that most of the physical assaults that occurred happened in a very public setting (>20 witnesses the one time), at the hands of people I had trusted, in front of dozens of people I would have trusted to intervene. No one ever did. No one even bothered to say anything.

One of the hardest things for me to grapple with regarding my own trauma is how people could have seen and done nothing, said nothing. People often stay silent out of fear. It does NOT make it right, but it is probably the number one cause of people staying silent.

You are in a situation where you are staying silent yourself about what you are dealing with out of your own fear. It’s not the same thing, but it is another situation where talking could go a long ways to preventing long term problems. It is another kind of situation where talking is also very hard and scary, as you are experiencing.

I have learned a couple of things by sharing information on an as-needed-basis with friends:
- Everyone is fighting a battle. For others, it may not be PTSD, but just about everyone struggles with something.
- Not everyone is as judgmental and awful as my abusers or those who stayed silent about the abuse.
- Not everyone needs to know lots of details.
- Sometimes some people need more info but with the goal of knowing so they know what to do, what I need and what I don’t need. Sometimes people just need to be given permission to not feel like they need to do anything.
- It gets easier with time.

I’m guessing your roommate doesn’t want to know big details, but probably is wondering what is going on and if you are ok. I think it would be very good to share with him you have PTSD, that you don’t want to talk about the trauma, and to explain what helps and doesn’t help, and that you have support and are working on getting better. You could tell him you don't need him to do anything and don't want him to change anything. That would probably help him a lot.

I think those kinds of details are all someone like him would want or need to know. You could start off the conversation, “So, um, this might be awkward but I just wanted to let you know that I was falling apart last night because I have PTSD and I was triggered, but I’m ok now… etc.” I have had to have that very conversation a couple of times myself. People are generally fairly receptive. You are very good at communicating in writing. If talking is too hard, you could even send a text or email to break open the ice. Or ask your boyfriend to be around when you talk to him. Whatever would help the conversation to happen.

As far as your boyfriend, I think explaining to him just what you told us would probably help him tremendously. I can also understand your fear there too. It’s a tough call.

I totally understand why your boyfriend's comment was SO triggering and upsetting. I would have had a hard time too. A really hard time. I probably would have really struggled for days. I think you have made a really great turn around and that you have a lot of great insight! You should feel proud of a lot of aspects of how you handled what happened. I have had times where much lesser comments have sent me into full blown public panic attacks. I get it.

I also don't think it was an unreasonable comment on his part. Think of it like this: you know when they give the emergency instructions on airplanes? They always say to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help any child with theirs. This is because if you take that time to first put on the oxygen mask on the kiddo, you will likely pass out in the process due to your own lack of oxygen, and then others will struggle to help you AND the child. In first aid, lifeguard, and first responder training, the same principle is taught. For example: they teach not to jump into shark infest waters to pull someone else out. Then you will likely both drown and no one will get rescued. Instead we are supposed to thrown in a lifesaver and pull them out. There are times in the case of intervening in physical violence where immediately intervening will cause more escalation for everyone, including the original victim.

There are times to jump in and pull someone out even if it means putting your own life in danger. There are other times where it won't do any good, won't save the other person, and/or could even make it harder to save them.

Pausing to think what is the best way to save someone is a good skill. It doesn't mean he loves you less. It doesn't mean he is one of those bystanders that should have jumped in but were too much of wusses to do so. I know the adult/executive part of your brain knows he is not like them, I'm just reminding the other part of you that got so understandably scared.

What he was saying was the response of a thoughtful person who hasn't endured the trauma you have. If he would have known the nature of your trauma and how much you need to know that he would have pulled you out of the fight if he had been there, he may have confirmed that he would have done that.

I hope that for both your sake, you help him understand why his comment hit you the way it did.

 

[RussH]

Welcome to the fourm. Sorry you had such a hard time. This past October I had a major PTSD meltdown, although my symptoms are different, and my flashbacks are emotional, it was still devestating. I actually started crying at work in front of my co-workers. And that was just the start.

As for your PTSD and being embarassed. Maybe it would help if you viewed PTSD differently. You said that you did not want his family to know you had PTSD because it made you feel "crazy, pathetic and otherwise not worthy of anything"

If you had suffered permament physical injury due to your trauma, would you be embarassed by it? I ask this because cPTSD is not a mental illness, but rather a phychological injury suffered due to your trauma. Maybe is you can start to view the PTSD as this, instead of being crazy or mentally ill, it will help you put things in proper perspective.
The feeling not worthy of anything is also a result of your trauma. When people are traumatized, as you were, it is common for us to feel worthless, but that does not make it true. You are worthy of being happy, and accepted. And if if family is anything like you discribe them, then they will be accepting of you, and the fact that you suffered this injury. I would rather see you disclose your PTSD to them in you timing and your setting, than have them learn under circumstances completely out of your control.

As far as your boyfriend, look at the whole picture, and not the single snapshot of this conversation.

May I also be so bold as to give you my opinion of you look? I see a survivor. Someone who is strong enough to survive multiple traumas, and still living a fairly normal life. You seem to me someone to be admired for all you have endured. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you have many things to be proud of.

Be happy.

 

[Amhandley]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post ever on My PTSD (though admittedly I've spent a great deal of tim...

My suggestion to you is to talk and communicate with your partner at a deeper level. Also, listen to each other. Give time for a long conversation/discussion and try not to interrupt each other. Talk to him about these flashbulb/light switch moments. It is a trigger and automatic response, that you are unable to help right now. I do this too, and it will keep happening A LOT. The more you get triggered and have a discussion about it afterward the more you will start to recognize your triggers before you have a full blown attack. It takes a lot of work from both partners. Lots of patience and understanding. I used to avoid everything- confrontation, arguments, talking about my emotions. My husband (boyfriend at the time) would refuse to let me run off into another room and seclude myself. He would just hold me. He would hold me and wouldn't let me go. I would cry or yell, I would try to fight him from holding me. The more he did this the more I began to trust him. The more I began to trust him the more I could tell him what memories it brought up. We have a discussion on the differences between my memory/s and what actually happened. The more we do this, the easier it has been getting. Now, I am catching myself at the lightbulb/light switch moments before going into an attack. I am beginning to see the difference between my past and my present. With PTSD, we have to re-train the fight or flight response in our brains. This concept is shocking our systems. It feels good to feel again. I am sending lots of prayers your way! If you believe in anything, start praying for yourself and your companion too. You can do this! You are not alone in this!

 

[RavensPOE]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post ever on My PTSD (though admittedly I've spent a great deal of tim...

I have not been on a date in a decade due to my PTSD..it feels like living in a war zone. I have been in therapy for about a year and a half now--with my Rabbi, who is also a licensed therapist. He said there is hope for me in the future with having a positive relationship. And that, my partner will need to go to therapy with me...to understand my battles with PTSD.

Would your boyfriend be willing to attend therapy with you?

 

[alienamongus]

Hi there, I truly feel sorry for what you are going through. I also struggle with CPTSD. I need to raise questions to think about (since I myself haven't found an answer to them in my own situation)... Please I am not trying to put any thought or ideas in your head. Just posing some questions from a logical perspective... that I and (I believe) many around here also have but don't ask...

- You say you believe your boyfriend is the "one". Do you think he feels the same way also ? And if he does now, how can you be sure it is sustainable in the long run? Eventually, it will take a toll on him and the typical response of "I didn't signup for this crap" will show it's ugly head. If it falls apart, are you prepared to take on the aftermath? Isn't that triggering on its own?

- I doubt his brother will understand, and if he did, he would most likely wish or want your boyfriend to be with someone else. How can you tell for sure he doesn't or isn't or will not think of you as some crazy person or an emotional wreck.

- I personally find having to always be on my toes looking out for any possible triggers or controlling my actions or reactions in front of people when a trigger actually occurs to be EXTREMELY exhausting. It is almost impossible to hide and you feel like blowing up inside. If you're ok showing your "other self" to your boyfriend, it will be alot of work trying to hide it from his brother 24/7.

With all these factors I have difficulty finding a point for even pursuing a relationship when CPTSD sufferers are not meant to be around people...after all, it's the cruelty of man that made us this way. We should never ever show weakness. By breaking down in front of your boyfriend and his brother you showed weakness. Normal people will NEVER understand. They may sympathize but they will not understand. You should always show strength or they'll eat you alive. Would you rather be the sheep or the wolf? You shouldn't have apologized for how you reacted. You are what the cruelty of man made you. You don't need their forgiveness or their assurance. Your suffering is your portal to your transformation into a higher being. Embrace it and become it. Man is now beneath you....