Detached From Emotions?

[ghotiff]

Saw my T today and she kept bringing the conversation back to the question of whether I detach myself from emotions. I told her that I have noticed (she had told me last session to try and notice things) that if I do start to feel then I tell myself to "stop it" and it works well and my emotions stop.

I was telling her something and mentioned my miscarriage (a decade ago) as context for the story. She then went on about did I detach from my feelings at the time. My answer was that I don't know, I didn't and don't have strong feelings about it. I was disappointed, but that was all.

I then disclosed a lot more than I ever had about my sexual abuse and oddly I'm really calm. She kept asking what I was thinking and my answer was "nothing" which is odd for me as normally my brain races constantly.

Not sure what to make of this. Thoughts? I really value the insights I receive here. I'm frightened that maybe there is a crash/meltdown coming.

 

[TonyG]

Are you on medication

 

[ghotiff]

Yes. A very low dose of sertraline. I've only been on it for maybe 6mths.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hey ghotiff, I get the same thing. I guess it's a defense mechanism that you have learned in order to survive. Otherwise, the emotions of your trauma might keep you from moving on with all the other important things in your life, right? It's something you have to break down slowly. I automatically lock up any negative emotions I feel, so I'm in constant survival mode. But I can't quite fit it all in my head, so they come spilling out in the form of anxiety and fear.

Don't worry too much about a crash or meltdown. I think it's best to very carefully break down those walls you've put up, with the guidance of your T and using your support system to fall back on. Suppressing everything unfortunately doesn't make it go away, it just turns your emotions into a ticking time bomb. I'm speaking from experience here. I can still talk very calmly about my trauma (also sexual abuse), as long as I don't use certain words (I still can't use the Dutch word for "rape", it scares me too much) and only describe what happened, rather than what I was feeling. That doesn't mean that the emotions and pain aren't there. It means that I'm just too frightened to access it and to show others how vulnerable I really am.

By the way, I'm on sertraline, too. Maximum dosage. I've found it numbs the pain, fear and anxiety very well, but it doesn't take those things away. In therapy I'm now working on breaking down those huge walls I've been building around me, so that I can process what happened to me and learn to let go of the mind-crippling fear that's controlling me.

I guess what I'm saying is that I know how you feel and that there is a way to get your emotions back. Hope this is a useful insight for you.

Do you like hugs? 'Cause then I'm sending you one :hug:

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks so much for your post.

Otherwise, the emotions of your trauma might keep you from moving on with all the other important things in your life, right?

Yes. My parents were in denial and so I had to pretend everything was fine. Also my abuser got off on my fear so I couldn't show any emotions around here.

I'm really pleased with the effects of sertraline. I mainly wanted it to get rid of my suicidal thoughts but I have noticed so many additional benefits I'm thinking of increasing my dose.

So much of your post resonated with me and I really appreciate it.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

My parents were in denial and so I had to pretend everything was fine. Also my abuser got off on my fear so I couldn't show any emotions around here.

Well there you have it. That sounds like a very good reason to want to hold back your emotions. But fortunately, you are no longer in that situation. Where is your abuser now? Is there still a risk of him or her hurting you?

I'm really glad that the sertraline is working so well for you. Maybe increasing the dose is the right thing to do. Be careful, though. Like most antidepressants, the stuff is slightly addictive, so take it easy with the increase. I'm sure your doctor will know what's best for you :)

I'm also very glad my post was helpful to you. I have the ambition to use all the bad that's happened to me to help others get through similar things. So that my suffering will in the end have caused more good than evil.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm thinking that part of my confusion is the use of "detached". I think I stop or don't have emotions rather than I separate myself from them. The idea that I care strongly about things that I don't feel anything for is very unsettling.

 

[afuneralinmybrain]

Totally. I'm diagnosed with derealization and depersonalization. I don't know what I'm feeling most of the time, unless it's fear.

 

[ghotiff]

Me too....fear is the one emotion I can not shut down.

@Snowwhite it's interesting to me that you asked where my abuser is now as my T asked the same thing in our last appointment. The answer is that I don't know, and I've never thought about it. I'm no longer a child, and he is into children so I feel safe now from that perspective. I didn't know why she asked...maybe to make me feel safe from him?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

That could very well be why your T asked you that. I did ask you for that reason. The realisation that he's no longer near you or your loved ones can be calming in a way.

My T gave me this mental excercise for when I get flashbacks or get scared in general because I'm reminded of my traumas. In those moments I feel as scared as though my abuser(s) are in the room with me, or at least in the same house. So I picture them where they are in that moment. The rapist lurking in the corner of my room with a smug grin on his face. In my mind I pick him up and take him down the stairs and out the front door. Then through the street into town until I find a place that feels acceptable. I then tie him to a tree with rope and chains so he can't get back to me. It's usually pretty effective for me. Maybe it can be useful to you as well :)