Do You Have A "Silent" Negative Voice

[cragger65]

Awakening, I think your touching upon the point where we leave the territory of merely a negative thought and begin running up against our core beliefs. They go a lot deeper. Many (all?) of us have "learned" one way or another that we are not worth being shown love and kindness. I am almost always suspicious of it, and tear it apart in my head constantly, unable to accept that someone just likes me and cares. Rejecting it as if love were the bucket of water and I was the Wicked Witch of the West melting away under it.

But what you want to melt away is your resistance to the notion that you are lovable, just as you are now. Your husband kinda proves my point, so I don't feel like I'm going too far out on a limb here ;)

Dave

 

[fin]

Absolutely:

Awakening, I think your touching upon the point where we leave the territory of merely a negative thought and begin running up against our core beliefs. They go a lot deeper.

Such a good analogy Dave:

Rejecting it as if love were the bucket of water and I was the Wicked Witch of the West melting away under it.

I agree also here:

But what you want to melt away is your resistance to the notion that you are lovable, just as you are now. Your husband kinda proves my point, so I don't feel like I'm going too far out on a limb here ;)

And I dont think you are going out on a limb here Dave.

It is so very sad what this all does to us....Awakening you have to try to keep coming against the negative feelings. It isnt easy. If you can always try to keep dialogue open, being able to discuss these things with your husband, well anyone actually; will help you to recognise when it happens and in time you will become adept at recognition and coping with this thinking. It may not feel like it at the moment, but it will come, I believe, especially if you put the work in. You are already able to know and you have insight and that is a begining.

~fin

 

[pandora]

This voice is what is hard to push away..I have had therapy and I positive self talk myself alot...latley though I still hear ...you stupid..f*&?....I try to tell myself I am not that and I am not stupid and i say it out loud as I am trying to teach my son to have positive thoughts in his head. I think it had become such a pattern that it takes alot longer than I ever anticipated to overcome. My therapist once said it takes alot longer than a couple of years of therapy to change something that you have been hearing for over 20 years. I think in us realizing that these thoughts are wrong is indeed a big part to actually changing the thoughts and acknowledging that this healing business is hard work and we are all strong to be doing it!

Sometimes I even avoid the forum because my negative thoughts are overcoming me....I hate feeling like I am complaining, and when I am in that frame of mind which seems to be quite frequent lately i do not want to give negative advice or sound like i am whining. Even with all of the counselling, therapy, cbt, emdr......this negative voice can still overcome me...so i totally understand. Rationally we know it is wrong...but maybe it is something that just never goes away...it is beginning to feel that way for me right now and it intensifies isolation so much!

 

[fin]

This is what I believe also pandora, and I believe it does intensify the isolation greatly. I think this is where the forum is so good, because when I am in the frame myself, I can read and try different thinking to some degree. And also this is where the encouragement and support we experience here is so important. But it is so difficult you are right there. Apart from saying we have to keep coming against it, and being aware so we can prepare for when we get down with it, I don't know what the answer is. I do know we have to keep trying though pandora, and I know that the intensity of that negativity can and does pass. One of the hardest things for me is trying to keep going when I know it is coming. And it is at that point that I have to settle back and try to be a little forgiving of myself, and try to be less impatient. Because while I know with some part of my head, I struggle with the rest of it to know that I am of some worth. That the voice that tells me I am all that crappy stuff is in the past doesn't help, I have to keep trying to input into myself. It is so hard, I hate it. And it is a struggle to be kinder when you don't feel in some way that you have any right to anything good.

Wonderful Pandora, we have just got to keep trying is all I can say. And that you are not alone. And sometimes maybe we need to know when the forum can help us the most and not be detered by thinking we are too negative to come here.

*hugs
~fin

 

[pandora]

Thanx fin....I am just having a hard time right now. I am hoping this passes soon.

 

[cragger65]

I know what you mean Pandora. There are days when I won't post because I know how negative I will sound, and there are days I post to my diary where I ask myself afterward, "What am I really doing, other than fishing for sympathy and fuel for my little pity party"?

I keep a notepad on the counter to catch myself thinking negatively about myself. It lists all my "favorite" distortions, and I just put a check beside the thought/distortion each time I catch myself. Sometimes - not always - I catch the thought before I engage it and put fuel into it.

be good to yourself,
Dave

 

[Tinyflame]

It's healthy to vent. Remember, we are all likely the types who never said anything when we should have, that's why it feels so uncomfortable too. Fin, pan, Dave, -everyone- it's not a pity party, just think of it as Emotional Housecleaning. It helps all of us to now we are human, normal, and not alone, and gives others a chance to know what we are each dealing with and what we might need, as Mercy said, in another post. Thank you, in fact. -It helps me, for one.

 

[jeapea]

yep. And if it hasn't been my own voice, it's been the other peoples' voices because I believed all the garbage they said about me, too, and replayed them all in my head so I wouldn't forget how small I was. So, I would try to be perfect... try to measure up... try to predict... second guess myself...

It was fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of not being loved or accepted. yep. I can relate.

 

[pandora]

Well today I am doing the biggest emotional housecleaning in forever..it scares me when I cry without control and wow what a bad day!

 

[TLight]

I really connected with this topic.
I'm trying to examine the anxiety and what my thoughts are when it is occuring with such force. Now that I'm even 'in my body' a little bit.....I can tell even when I'm anxious.....I just thought this was how everyone lived, then I decided to die after 40 years of it.

Now, I'm sort of in a safe place and able to examine these things. Boy, I was brutalized as a child and degraded sexually, etc etc. It was really horrific. I'm honoring that now and what it did to me. So many things, it's unbelievable! It has disabled me, for now, possibly for life. But I want to overcome......but the triggers seem to be everywhere.

Anyway, now I'm rambling.

The thing about having dinner ready. Geez. My new love of 6 months is so understanding. He expects nothing from me but what I want and am able to give. Yet that negative judgemental stuff. My entire life I've been called crazy and judged extensively as a loser and generall mess up by my 'family.' I've been blamed, judged, talked down to, and generally treated like a piece of crap by all of them. And I never understood even why? The confusion is so horrible. The pain and hurt seemingly endless.
Yes, I go through that.......huge anxiety that I'm not doing something right and I'm going to really 'get it' ........just have to keep on my toes and please everyone around me so I won't 'get it'.........

So hard.....trying to watch the thoughts, recognize when its happening and intercept somehow with the truth. The world is not a horrifically dangerous place........but it is for me most of the time. But I'm working hard to change, to believe in the goodness of others and build on some positive experiences. Trying really hard.

I feel for the first time I have someone in my life I can trust. He doesn't judge me for having a mental illness. He never treats me with disrespect in any way. Of course, I'm still waiting for the shoe to fall and trying to trust and not sabotage in between. I'm always just waiting for people's true ugly colors to show. I know, distorted thinking they'd call it........but not in my world.

This is hard, so much to work on, so terrifying a space I can go to. It has been 43 years with no one to trust. I think I can trust a couple of people now........but I'm pretty negative about that. Just waiting I think........I don't want to get trashed anymore.
Rambling again. Not sure why, I usually do this.

 

[Dylan]

Hi Awakening,

Oh yes, this makes sense.

My experience is that it's from having unreasonable expectations and that, if I explore them, I can get to belief systems that are unreasonable, untrue, and sometimes truly unbelievable!

I have had a very similar experience as yours with having dinner ready for your husband. So, I asked myself: What do I expect (in this situation, from myself, from my partner)? Mine started out innocently enough:

* I expect that I should have this done (it was laundry in my case)
* I expect that my partner will be angry if I'm not on top of things
* I expect that she'll be angry with me if I make mistakes/let things slide

Then came harsher ones:
* I expect that I must be perfect
* I expect that I will be judged if I'm not perfect
* I expect that I must be perfect to be loved/accepted

And sometimes I can get to the expectations instilled in childhood:
* I'll be hurt if I'm not perfect
* I'll be rejected if I make a mistake

It's been really surprising, some of the things I get down to that I never realized were there (i.e. If I'm rejected, I'll die - definitely programmed in childhood!). It's really a relief, too, when I get down to them, because it takes so much unconscious, harsh, and unreasonable pressure off of me and, sometimes, off of others, too (if I expect myself to be perfect, I usually expect it of others, as well).

Sometimes I then create a new, more reasonable expectation: i.e. I expect myself to do the best I can to get my part of the chores done, but sometimes it won't happen. I expect my partner to get angry with me sometimes. I expect that I won't die from others' anger or rejection. Things like that.

HTH-
Dylan

 

[cragger65]

Man, you are so good at the CBT stuff Dylan. What do you charge for tutoring? ;)