I have been posting a lot lately, and for that I apologize -- I am not usually so self-absorbed, but am new to my PTSD diagnosis and mostly without support, so I am struggling to get by. I used to think that I had a relatively normal upbringing and a good life -- until I started remembering things. I am 29. I graduated from college at the top of my class and was the type of person everyone believed would make big things happen. I guess it's because I hid things very well; I always pretended like nothing was wrong. Now, however, it's all coming apart at the seams. I have only recently realized I was molested/abused at a very young age and my parents were in denial. I was dismissed when i brought this up to them as a teenager. I was victimized again and again before I turned 21 -- and I realize now that it is because of what happened to me at 6 years old. I've never been able to admit to being a victim. I've always taken on the role of a "strong person" and people bought into it. I was the person people called when they had trouble. I was always the hero. But now I'm scared. I've got no support and no one who understands me. I always told myself the suffering would be worth it, because I'd help everyone else who felt neglected. I still feel that way but I guess my judgment is clouded right now because I only feel darkness. It's so strange how you can go from feeling like a completely normal person to realizing you were repeatedly traumatized and abused. I don't want my story to end here; I want, more than anything, to use what i've gone through as fuel to help other people.
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Does It Get Any Better?
- Post starter Casey_03
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D
Deleted member 20280
@Casey_03 first and most important welcome and :hug:s if you accept them.
I came to this forum in May 2013 after a major breakdown. I had hidden my trauma history since the age of 18 I am now 44. Like you I was always the one to be first to offer support and always be ready to help others. I still am now but when I came to the forum I had just lost my whole family, entire friend network, job and career. I like you was completely without support at the time.
With determination and therapy/medication we can get to the point in recovery where we are stable and better equipped to cope with our PTSD issues. Now I am at that stage myself I offer my help to any member existing or new that wants it or needs someone to help them ground. I offer that same support to you and if you wish then please feel free to message me any time and any help I can give is your's.
Laurie
I came to this forum in May 2013 after a major breakdown. I had hidden my trauma history since the age of 18 I am now 44. Like you I was always the one to be first to offer support and always be ready to help others. I still am now but when I came to the forum I had just lost my whole family, entire friend network, job and career. I like you was completely without support at the time.
With determination and therapy/medication we can get to the point in recovery where we are stable and better equipped to cope with our PTSD issues. Now I am at that stage myself I offer my help to any member existing or new that wants it or needs someone to help them ground. I offer that same support to you and if you wish then please feel free to message me any time and any help I can give is your's.
Laurie
AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
(((Casey_03)))
I am SO sorry that you are having to deal with this! Your trauma does NOT define you, and 'tackling' the issue, I believe will lead to a REAL peace of mind. Our minds are so very good at hiding the things from our childhood that hurt us, but there comes a time that confronting it is necessary!
I think it is good that you are posting a lot! This is a good place to vent, use as a 'sounding board' and to feel that you are not alone!
I, too, was the "strong one for so long, that when the past made it's way to the 'top' of my consciousness, it hit like a ton of bricks! I have learned that our emotions are kind of like onions. There are layers, and more layers as you cut into the onion. One layer comes off, and then there is another. I found that I had a 'whole garden' of onions, which I have worked hard to peel back and let the core heal. I hope that makes sense.
You have a strong motivation of helping others, as I do, and I want my story to help others as well. It is a good motivation, but you will have to put yourself first in order to heal. You CAN, with a lot of work and perseverance success in regaining your sense of control, but it will be real, and not 'hiding' the YOU that is still there.
I heard it said, that the things that come up, do so, in order to be healed.
Blessings to you!
AKJ
I am SO sorry that you are having to deal with this! Your trauma does NOT define you, and 'tackling' the issue, I believe will lead to a REAL peace of mind. Our minds are so very good at hiding the things from our childhood that hurt us, but there comes a time that confronting it is necessary!
I think it is good that you are posting a lot! This is a good place to vent, use as a 'sounding board' and to feel that you are not alone!
I, too, was the "strong one for so long, that when the past made it's way to the 'top' of my consciousness, it hit like a ton of bricks! I have learned that our emotions are kind of like onions. There are layers, and more layers as you cut into the onion. One layer comes off, and then there is another. I found that I had a 'whole garden' of onions, which I have worked hard to peel back and let the core heal. I hope that makes sense.
You have a strong motivation of helping others, as I do, and I want my story to help others as well. It is a good motivation, but you will have to put yourself first in order to heal. You CAN, with a lot of work and perseverance success in regaining your sense of control, but it will be real, and not 'hiding' the YOU that is still there.
I heard it said, that the things that come up, do so, in order to be healed.
Blessings to you!
AKJ
WillyKat
Diamond Member
Many of us have seen the same scenario. I was abused around age 6, blocked it from my memory until age 21, and finally got therapy about age 25.
Long story short, I learned that we begin to deal with certain symptoms when we're strong enough to deal with them. Yet when they hit us, which is what you're going through now, the last thing you can imagine is that you're strong.
It's OK to acknowledge that you too need some attention, some support.
Long story short, I learned that we begin to deal with certain symptoms when we're strong enough to deal with them. Yet when they hit us, which is what you're going through now, the last thing you can imagine is that you're strong.
It's OK to acknowledge that you too need some attention, some support.
D
Deleted member 1860
Hi Casey,
Please do not apologize for posting a lot! You are reaching out for help and that is a good thing. If post count means you're self absorbed, then I'm one of the most self-absorbed people on this forum with over 6,000 posts/replies to my name. (I really don't think I am, rather, I know I have struggled a lot!) So, no worries on that front, I hope!
I think that I'm like you in a number of ways. I've always done well, graduated at the top of my class, people expected me to do well.... But then this *lovely* disorder went full blown and I'm nowhere near where I had envisioned myself. I'm so embarrassed that I just hide away from everyone in my extended family, as they all knew me as the over-achiever, so now that I'm doing nothing with my life, I can only imagine what they think of me.
I think it really does hurt when you realize that you are alone in all of this. I didn't lose everybody, but I did lose a lot of people after my diagnosis, and it still affects me and my world view to this very day (and probably will for the rest of my life as it really did shake up my world!) Its hard feeling alone, and for quite some time, my only form of socialization was online, including here. I think its great that you are a member, because while it isn't the same as having support in real life (not that this isn't real, but you know what I mean), at least the people here really do understand, which is something that I don't know if I'll ever have in real life.
I know chat isn't everybody's cup of tea, but I'd like to invite you to come chat sometime....My apologies if you already do, its just that I haven't seen you there, at least not as of late. I know its a good way to get to know other people and get more support.
I also think its great that you want to reach out and help other people!
Please do not apologize for posting a lot! You are reaching out for help and that is a good thing. If post count means you're self absorbed, then I'm one of the most self-absorbed people on this forum with over 6,000 posts/replies to my name. (I really don't think I am, rather, I know I have struggled a lot!) So, no worries on that front, I hope!
I think that I'm like you in a number of ways. I've always done well, graduated at the top of my class, people expected me to do well.... But then this *lovely* disorder went full blown and I'm nowhere near where I had envisioned myself. I'm so embarrassed that I just hide away from everyone in my extended family, as they all knew me as the over-achiever, so now that I'm doing nothing with my life, I can only imagine what they think of me.
I think it really does hurt when you realize that you are alone in all of this. I didn't lose everybody, but I did lose a lot of people after my diagnosis, and it still affects me and my world view to this very day (and probably will for the rest of my life as it really did shake up my world!) Its hard feeling alone, and for quite some time, my only form of socialization was online, including here. I think its great that you are a member, because while it isn't the same as having support in real life (not that this isn't real, but you know what I mean), at least the people here really do understand, which is something that I don't know if I'll ever have in real life.
I know chat isn't everybody's cup of tea, but I'd like to invite you to come chat sometime....My apologies if you already do, its just that I haven't seen you there, at least not as of late. I know its a good way to get to know other people and get more support.
I also think its great that you want to reach out and help other people!
Hi Casey and :hug:
It does get better.
one of the symptoms/ effects of PTSD is to think that it will never end; "eternity thinking" it is perhaps caused by flashing back to a much younger frame of mind, when the future always seemed so hopelessly far away and un attainable.
from what you have written in the past few days, you do seem to be having a very rough time with symptoms. hyper vigilence and drastic thinking are symptoms too (eg getting really triggered when your flatmate accused you of drinking their milk).
Have you visited pete walker's c-ptsd site, he has some very good tips for recognizing flashbacks and grounding from them, also for self soothing.
Change can be so fast, only a few weeks ago I was triggered to hell and flashing back, unable to communicate and taking to my bed. I haven't even been able to write about it here yet. suddenly I'm positive (and I so want to hold onto the positive).
I've avoided drugs and diagnoses (I even denied the suggestion that I had PTSD until this last August). Bessel van der Kolk, (one of the very experienced researchers and practitioners in the field of trauma) refers to the idea of medications as "a post alcoholic culture" - the idea that the only way to change mood or outlook is by swallowing something.
In his own trials Prozac was 2% more effective than placebo - a statistically totally insignificant difference you could probably re run the trial and have prozac 4% less effective than placebo within the same error margin. Psychotherapy was significantly more effective, and the improvement continued to increase for months after the psychotherapy ended, the prozac people started to get worse again after their pills finished. I posted links to some relevant lectures in @Trauma 's recent thread.
a lot of the psychotherapy stuff (eg CBT and mindfulness, also neuro feedback) you can teach yourself, it is good to have a reasonably smart person whom you can bounce ideas off to make sure you are not getting into a spiral of negative thinking.
van der Kolk and several others (Judith Herman is the most prominent), also consider most of the dozen or so diagnoses that go with complex childhood trauma ptsd to be complete BS (things like ADD, ODD, BPD, bi polar) he views them as part of a larger cptsd /developmental trauma syndrome.
I'm not saying that you mustn't take drugs, just that opinion is split amongst both researchers and practitioners, (and ammongst members here) you might end up enduring the side effects (possibly including destroyed sex life) for no more benefit than you'd get from a placebo.
It does get better.
one of the symptoms/ effects of PTSD is to think that it will never end; "eternity thinking" it is perhaps caused by flashing back to a much younger frame of mind, when the future always seemed so hopelessly far away and un attainable.
from what you have written in the past few days, you do seem to be having a very rough time with symptoms. hyper vigilence and drastic thinking are symptoms too (eg getting really triggered when your flatmate accused you of drinking their milk).
Have you visited pete walker's c-ptsd site, he has some very good tips for recognizing flashbacks and grounding from them, also for self soothing.
Change can be so fast, only a few weeks ago I was triggered to hell and flashing back, unable to communicate and taking to my bed. I haven't even been able to write about it here yet. suddenly I'm positive (and I so want to hold onto the positive).
I've avoided drugs and diagnoses (I even denied the suggestion that I had PTSD until this last August). Bessel van der Kolk, (one of the very experienced researchers and practitioners in the field of trauma) refers to the idea of medications as "a post alcoholic culture" - the idea that the only way to change mood or outlook is by swallowing something.
In his own trials Prozac was 2% more effective than placebo - a statistically totally insignificant difference you could probably re run the trial and have prozac 4% less effective than placebo within the same error margin. Psychotherapy was significantly more effective, and the improvement continued to increase for months after the psychotherapy ended, the prozac people started to get worse again after their pills finished. I posted links to some relevant lectures in @Trauma 's recent thread.
a lot of the psychotherapy stuff (eg CBT and mindfulness, also neuro feedback) you can teach yourself, it is good to have a reasonably smart person whom you can bounce ideas off to make sure you are not getting into a spiral of negative thinking.
van der Kolk and several others (Judith Herman is the most prominent), also consider most of the dozen or so diagnoses that go with complex childhood trauma ptsd to be complete BS (things like ADD, ODD, BPD, bi polar) he views them as part of a larger cptsd /developmental trauma syndrome.
I'm not saying that you mustn't take drugs, just that opinion is split amongst both researchers and practitioners, (and ammongst members here) you might end up enduring the side effects (possibly including destroyed sex life) for no more benefit than you'd get from a placebo.
D
Deleted member 1860
@Anarchy,
I'm not sure why you went off on the anti-drug tangent when the OP doesn't mention medication.
I understand that was the right path for you, however, I don't think it is necessarily helpful to be spouting those statistics and such, given that you are someone who truly didn't need medication to get through the worst of it. Yes, there ARE those of us who would be dead without medication, and I am one of them. I honestly have no doubt that I would have made serious attempts by now if I didn't have medications to help stop the insane hypervigilance and insomnia (over a month with nothing more than an hour of twilight sleep a night....if I was lucky!) or to stop the trauma driven obsessions.
I honestly think it is sort of BS to act like the medication issue is a toss up. It most definitely isn't for many of us. I can guaranteed you 1 million percent that those researchers and doctors would agree with me if they had any symptoms even close to what I have experienced. Maybe on the whole for all of society, if you go by statistics, it is a toss up, but I am not a statistic, nor will I ever be. Its those sort of opinions by medical professionals that lead to dismissive attitudes.
I'm not sure why you went off on the anti-drug tangent when the OP doesn't mention medication.
I understand that was the right path for you, however, I don't think it is necessarily helpful to be spouting those statistics and such, given that you are someone who truly didn't need medication to get through the worst of it. Yes, there ARE those of us who would be dead without medication, and I am one of them. I honestly have no doubt that I would have made serious attempts by now if I didn't have medications to help stop the insane hypervigilance and insomnia (over a month with nothing more than an hour of twilight sleep a night....if I was lucky!) or to stop the trauma driven obsessions.
I honestly think it is sort of BS to act like the medication issue is a toss up. It most definitely isn't for many of us. I can guaranteed you 1 million percent that those researchers and doctors would agree with me if they had any symptoms even close to what I have experienced. Maybe on the whole for all of society, if you go by statistics, it is a toss up, but I am not a statistic, nor will I ever be. Its those sort of opinions by medical professionals that lead to dismissive attitudes.
joeylittle
Sponsor
@Solara hit it right on the nose. Very, very important to recognize that the medication conversation is incredibly complex and individual. Also very important to realize that CBT might appear to be easy to "teach yourself", but in fact when you are dealing with trauma is not necessarily the time to learn a brand new cognitive skill. A little guidance goes a long way.
rightkindofme
Diamond Member
Something to keep in mind: getting "better" isn't a linear process. If something bad/traumatic happens to you in the future you might have to deal with PTSD symptoms on top of whatever fresh issues go on. Be prepared that you *will* need a support network because life is hard.
But you can totally get to a place where you manage your symptoms well and have a good/relatively happy life. PTSD is not a guarantee of full-time doom.
But you can totally get to a place where you manage your symptoms well and have a good/relatively happy life. PTSD is not a guarantee of full-time doom.
D
Deleted member 28942
Hi @Casey_03,
I can identify with your story very closely. It does get better. It helped me to find a therapist that has experience working with trauma and slowly my life is turning for better. It is not a walk in the park but little by little I am getting better. Also, this forum and the people here are very helpful. You are a strong person and you can make it through this. It is OK to have moments of weakness. Those are only symptoms and they don't define you.
Hugs,
UniversalBeing
I can identify with your story very closely. It does get better. It helped me to find a therapist that has experience working with trauma and slowly my life is turning for better. It is not a walk in the park but little by little I am getting better. Also, this forum and the people here are very helpful. You are a strong person and you can make it through this. It is OK to have moments of weakness. Those are only symptoms and they don't define you.
Hugs,
UniversalBeing
Hi @Casey_03 and welcome. I think you are brave to reach out for help, not annoying at all. Keep telling your journey. Keep getting feedback and grounding yourself in reality. You are safe now. Recognize the symptoms for what they are; just symptoms. They don't define you. You sound like a very caring and compassionate person. We're all here for you, even through the worst of times. Message me anytime :)
Nam
Diamond Member
Just want to say hi. I'm another with delayed ptsd from memories surfacing. Abused at age 4. Remembered (kind of) at age 26. Was diagnosed during that time for complex ptsd. I'm now 36. It's a weird thing, this healing thing. People do it in different order with different tools. Some things are helpful at that time and some things are not. You might find that over time, years even, that the passages that didn't help before is pertinent now. It just depends where that person is in healing and what they have tried. Take what you need and leave the rest.
From your post, I'm thinking that you're at the beginning of your journey. It doesn't mean that it will take forever. Healing isn't a linear thing. There's growth spurts and set backs too. What you want to strive for is functionality, whatever that means to you. Usually it's a combination of changing the way we think and changing our environment to help with stressors.
That caring attitude you have for helping others is noble. The same attitude needs to turn inward toward yourself as you explore your own way to healing.
From your post, I'm thinking that you're at the beginning of your journey. It doesn't mean that it will take forever. Healing isn't a linear thing. There's growth spurts and set backs too. What you want to strive for is functionality, whatever that means to you. Usually it's a combination of changing the way we think and changing our environment to help with stressors.
That caring attitude you have for helping others is noble. The same attitude needs to turn inward toward yourself as you explore your own way to healing.
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