Does It Matter And Should You Care...

[J_trustno1]

1. if someone doesn't want to be a part of your life (i.e. doesn't want to be friends with you)?
2. if people have opinions about you or judge you?

Does it all have to matter? Just trying to analyse few scenarios here.

Thanks for the answers in advance.

 

[Fadeaway]

1. if someone doesn't want to be a part of your life (i.e. doesn't want to be friends with you)?

It shouldn't matter, but as humans, it's hard to make it not matter.

2. if people have opinions about you or judge you?

I wish these things didn't matter to me, but they do. I think they should matter to some extent. It helps people stay within socially accepted boundaries. It's makes a difference though depending on who the person is, and the level of how much their opinions mean too you.

 

[J_trustno1]

Yes, you are correct. This is getting to me and it feels as if I am not worthy of human acceptance :( :cry: :depressed:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

1. if someone doesn't want to be a part of your life (i.e. doesn't want to be friends with you)?

I think it matters. However, it's what you do about it that matters. Is it worth trying to convince someone to be part of your life if you actively know they don't want to be? Probably not worth the extra pain and heartache. People say that it doesn't matter because if they don't understand you, it's their loss, but that's easier said than felt.

2. if people have opinions about you or judge you?

This absolutely matters. And depending on who that person is and what their opinion is, I might just try to set them straight. I am not always brave enough about that, but sometimes the only way people are going to learn the truth is by hearing it. You can't make them believe you or accept you, but you can give the chance to know how you view yourself. Of course, I wouldn't bother with everyone, but if it's someone I care about then, yes it matters, and yes I will give the information they need. If it's someone that's just passing through my life, then I might still try, but probably would just let it go. I am braver in written words than spoken words though and sometimes it gets complicated so you just have to ask yourself if it is worth it to you and then go with what your heart says.

 

[J_trustno1]

All my life I've chased after acceptance by family and never got it. I hardly had close friends. I've only had acquaintances who were there for the time being and once you are in a different place you are no longer part of their lives or verse versa.

This whole scenario makes me wonder if I am really not acceptable by other people? Or is it just life where I am supposed to be own my own? I'm not going to moan and wine about my relationships because nothing really existed. I wonder if I am lovable at all? I know the whole saying "I need to love myself before others can". I think I have given up on the idea of expecting much from people because no one seems to last in my life. Maybe there is something written on my forehead saying "leave asap because she's not worth it".

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I wonder if I am lovable at all?

I wonder about that about myself all the time. I have many people who would say I am, but I don't believe them. Maybe that's where the loving yourself first comes into play. Who knows? All I know is that I am sorry you are questioning whether you are lovable because know what a horrible feeling that is. I am trying to believe we can all keep walking on our journeys one step at a time and maybe yours will lead you to caring relationships that last eventually. I also can relate to feeling like there is something written on my forehead though I haven't figured out what it says yet, I just know it's something like "she's survived before so let's give her another challenge and see if she can do it again".

 

[J_trustno1]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve : Thanks for being kind :hug:s. I'm sorry that you feel this way too :(. I hate this feeling. :hug:s

 

[Mit]

I have thought about posting something along similar lines, particularly about being judged by others.

I have a partner who I know cares for me very much and children who love there dad. A few years ago, a behavioural trait of mine came to light, that I strongly believe developed in response to childhood trauma. This trait was interpreted by some people in positions of authority to mean I was a risk to children.

As a consequence our friends were informed of this 'opinion' about me. Based on this opinion, the majority of these friends turned their back on me and my partner, and ever since have refused to have any contact with us. Some of these friends we had know for a decade. They also gossiped to others and so this perception about me has spread and probably evolved, resulting in an even great isolation from our local community. Even the people who rented the house next to ours were told something about me, which has caused them not to speak to me or my partner, during the 18 months they have lived next door.

So being judged, does it matter......

I tell myself nearly every day that I was wrongly, and unfairly judged, based on an opinion that was incorrect, biased, ill-informed and also failed to acknowledge in anyway the childhood trauma I suffered. I'm the one that has been mistreated.

Despite trying to think like this It makes no difference to how I feel. I still ache for their forgiveness, even though I have done nothing wrong. Their continued judgement of me as a bad person causes me great distress, even now, five years later.

The therapists I have seen over the years all say the same thing, these people are ill informed and ignorant of the truth or facts, I am a good, caring person. And yet I cannot overcome the emotional pain, and I am still struggling not to blame myself for giving them cause to doubt me, no matter how ill informed they are.

Being judged negatively is a terrible thing. Perhaps some people genuinely don't care or are unaffected by it. I am not like that. I have an enduring desire to be liked, and feel wanted, and loved by everybody. I accept this isn't practical or pragmatic, but it's the way I am wired (again probably due to developmental trauma).

So I think I know some of what you are saying, and some of how you might be feeling. All I can say is that you are lovable, you deserve to be loved, cared for and cherished - we all do.

 

[Changing4Best]

A friend of mine broke a promise to me, and so I lost my temper about it. The next day I apologized, but we have not been friends since. She just makes no effort to get together with me, and frankly, I don't want to be close friends like we were if she is going to break promises on me. SO, no, it is not important to me at all that she does not want to longer be my friend.

I am in my 60s in age, so I have lost plenty of friends over the years. I have never had problems making friends, so this does not matter to me. I figure there are always more friends out there somewhere. Sometimes I have been a bit lonely between having friends, but then someone will want to be my friend and so it goes.

As to what folks think of me, that is their business. I don't trouble myself to find out what they think and if they should express a negative opinion of me it does not bother me either, because there are plenty of folks who have good opinions of me. I gravitate toward them, and stay away from those who do not think highly of me. Why waste my time?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I learned that if you are the one doing all the chasing, it means they don't really want you around. But I've also learned that better people come along eventually and those others are not worth wasting your time on. Life is too short to waste with people who don't respect you. I am rather lonely right now but it's better than how awful I felt wasting all my energy on certain people.

 

[Friday]

1. if someone doesn't want to be a part of your life (i.e. doesn't want to be friends with you)? Entirely depends on who the person is.

2. if people have opinions about you or judge you? (Negatively?) Nope. Not at all.
(Positively) If they're friends, I should certainly hope so!

***

I don't know where this whole "judgement is bad" thing has crept into pop-culture. I exercise my judgement 10,000 times a day. It keeps me from wearing a tank top & shorts in the snow and freezing to death... As I judge it to be cold outside. I judge it to be time to sleep, even if I can't sleep, that I should lay down and rest. I judge the pedophile as someone I do not want babysitting my child. My judgement tells me my friend needs a bit of TLC, or that my crankiness stems from my blood sugar being low, or that f*cking a married man is the wrong thing to do, and that helping someone trapped in an upside down car is the right thing to do.

My judgment can be wrong. Both just simply incorrect, as well as Disorder-Land (bleck). But being wrong is part of life. Learn, adjust, & move on.

I also have opinions about many -if not most- things. Some strong, some flexible, some as yet unformed.

So I cannot understand how, if I am to know my own mind & exercise my own judgement in matters... How I could possibly deny anyone else the same rights and privilege??? Whether I agree with them or not, our hearts and minds are our own. Use them!!!

I certainly hope my friends and loved ones have a good opinion of me!!! That they've used their judgement. That I'm not solely in their lives because they are dribbling morons who are incapable of choosing me to be in their lives. That whatever their minimum standards are, I have at least met them, if not exceed them.

Same token, I could only care less with Valium, what someone I do not love/ like/ admire thinks of me. But I still afford them the same rights and privileges I grant myself; aka to know their own hearts and minds.

 

[scout86]

I'm going to go with "It depends" on this.
If someone doesn't want me in their life and I want them in my life, that hurts and that matters. If I'm not particularly interested in sharing life with them? Then it makes no difference at all. If it matters, I'd probably wonder if there's "something I'm doing wrong". The only way that's useful is if you can use it to gather information that you can use to make changes you actually want to make. (Just using it to beat yourself up isn't especially useful, even if it's tempting.

If people have opinions about me or judge me? Well, I kind of expect people who know me (or think they do) to have some kind of opinion. They're entitled to that. I can agree or disagree, that's up to me. "Judge me"? They can do that if they want, not my problem. I tend to think of "judging someone" as a nicer way of saying "condemning someone". As long as they're not fixin' to burn me at the stake, they can spend their time and effort any way they want to.

it feels as if I am not worthy of human acceptance

Everyone is worthy of human acceptance. Doesn't mean you get it, of course. I don't know Jass. Some people are blessed with a certain charm and charisma that draws people to them and makes them popular. Some less so. I suppose that's another one of those bell shaped curves. I think, if it's harder to make friends than you'd like it to be, it makes sense to look for potential reasons. But, it doesn't make sense to beat yourself up over it.

What kind of people do YOU like being around?