Military Doing My Best To Be Normal.

[jekyllandhyde]

Right now I am having the feeling that I am loosing it a little bit, before I get into that I served in Afghanistan 2010-11 and have a hard time dealing with some of the things that I did or even was involved in. One of the things that I have suffered from and continue to do so is the near constant thought of suicide but for a time that was able to be suppressed by my now spouse. I understand what that would mean to go ahead and do it so that makes me think and allows me to once again burry it deep down for a time and deal with the thoughts easier. There are things that trigger me and throw me back down into this hole that I have made for myself and it reminds me of all that I have done and the things that I used to justify the action taken have long been found invalid. As my user name may suggest to some I "play" the part of the good person but when triggered I am reminded that I am really a monster that should be nowhere but the battle field that I was forced to leave.

 

[Sighs]

If not for the fact that there is a US flag under your name and the dates are out by 2 years my partner could have written this post.

Please try and hold on to the fact that your spouse loves you for who you are. What you have done in the crucible of war does not invalidate who you are. It may have changed you in many ways, but it does not make you less human.

"We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm." - sometimes attributed to Churchill, sometimes to Orwell.

Your reasons for doing what you've done may now seem invalid, but hindsight is always 20/20. You did the best you could with the information you had to hand at the time.

I promise you that your spouse would be devastated by your suicide.

 

[Powder]

Do you have a therapist or someone who has PTSD also to talk to? Someone who understands PTSD? Because, this is PTSD lying to you. You are not a monster. That is never true.

I tell my little daughter, who is afraid of monsters, that I'm the only "Mom-ster" here. :) I think I joke this way due to my having PTSD. It does make me feel like a monster sometimes. I think that's a part of the disorder.

Please realize that this is called "distorted thinking." And with CBT and good feedback, you will see that it's far from how others see you not because you are 'acting' nice, but because deep down, you really are. It's just PTSD and the trauma kicking you in the teeth at the moment.

Is your stress levels higher due to the marriage and pressures of life? What's causing your stress to go up to put you in the thick of PTSD? Think about it. You probably don't feel like this all the time. It will pass, and you can help it by lowering your stress levels.

But I would like to hear your take on this and what you think.

 

[hangingon]

You are not the sum of your military work & PTSD. There are good qualities as well. There are pieces of you that existed before military. There are new pieces of you, yet to be discovered. Just because you struggle to be positive does not mean it is fake or any less positive. It means you may need to seek more support via therapy, increased communication with a trusted loved one. There are other ways to find positive purpose in the civilian world. Volunteering at VA or wounded warriors events, pick up a calming hobby that requires honing a skill & focus. This will be a good distraction to negative thoughts and be a source of pride when mastered. One of my loved ones with PTSD has become very skilled at woodwork and has learned to play guitar. Please seek out a positive outlet.

 

[Tinyflame]

Welcome to you @jekyllandhyde . Peace to you.