Doubts about starting a relationship

[willhealeventually]

I met a guy that says all the right things. But I am noticing how paranoid and untrusting I am.
I know who I am alone. But I don’t know how to be in a relationship.
I have a very strong personality and a lot of intensity - I wonder how much of that is there to scare prople away?
I am going on a date with this guy on Saturday. It’s very casual - we are going for a walk, maybe coffee. But I can feel that I am terrified.
It’s interesting that I picked someone who is 6’5” and built like a tank... Am I looking for someone to protect me in this world?
Do you know who you are in a relationship? Do you feel afraid to go on dates? If you understand, please share with me. I feel my fear and ptsd troggering and wondering what the hell i’m doing...

 

[somerandomguy]

You pretty much just broke up with you husband, right? There's definitely no need to rush into a relationship, even if he's in one.

But I can feel that I am terrified.

Maybe that feeling is telling you something.

Everyone grieves the death of a relationship differently, PTSD sufferer or not. Some people jump right into the dating pool. Some people don't. But us PTSD sufferers have to take extra care when we jump into the dating pool because relationships and sex can be really, really stressful and can cause our stress cups to overflow. Depending on our abuse situation, we might also ignore blatantly obvious red flags, or see red flags when they're not really there.

 

[willhealeventually]

I’ve been single for a year and a half now. We are still in the process of a divorce, but I haven’t had any relationships... I agree that my stress cup is overflowing. Sex and intimacy is scary for me. I waited awhile... i guess I’m wondering if i should try to press through the fear, or keep waiting ?

 

[willhealeventually]

As I get closer to tomorrow, when I was scheduled to go on my date, I’m finding all kinds of reason why this won’t work. I’ve been without a partner this long, I don’t even know what it means for me to be with anyone. I find myself saying I don’t have the time or the energy for anyone, and that this person is a lot like this other person I knew and didn’t like, and he is annoying and talks too much.
All of this is a sign I guess that I am not ready to date. I don’t know if Ill ever be, but I’m definitely not at this point.

 

[NatBird]

I met a guy that says all the right things. But I am noticing how paranoid and untrusting I am.
I know who I am alone. But I don’t know how to be in a relationship.
I have a very strong personality and a lot of intensity - I wonder how much of that is there to scare prople away?
I am going on a date with this guy on Saturday. It’s very casual - we are going for a walk, maybe coffee. But I can feel that I am terrified.
It’s interesting that I picked someone who is 6’5” and built like a tank... Am I looking for someone to protect me in this world?
Do you know who you are in a relationship? Do you feel afraid to go on dates? If you understand, please share with me. I feel my fear and ptsd troggering and wondering what the hell i’m doing...

Well done for being open to meeting others and in the process meeting more of yourself

I have a sense of who I am but can struggle with boundaries. Can sometimes find it hard to know when I am being too protective and not meeting the other or meeting the other too much and living on the outer edge of my skin

Also, I think who we are can shift a bit according to who we are with. Some people bring out more playful aspects. Some people bring out the more shadow aspects

What are you major anxieties when dating?

Wish you well with it

 

[NatBird]

As I get closer to tomorrow, when I was scheduled to go on my date, I’m finding all kinds of reason why this won’t work. I’ve been without a partner this long, I don’t even know what it means for me to be with anyone. I find myself saying I don’t have the time or the energy for anyone, and that this person is a lot like this other person I knew and didn’t like, and he is annoying and talks too much.
All of this is a sign I guess that I am not ready to date. I don’t know if Ill ever be, but I’m definitely not at this point.

Maybe. Maybe not

Have you ever looked into social, emotional, sexual anorexia or love avoidance?

I am not saying this is what you are experiencing. There are just a few things you say I can relate to or did. The literature on this has been super helpful to me in making sense of some patterns and creating more accpetence

 

[willhealeventually]

An update...
I went on my first date in nearly 2 yrs with someone on the online dating site.
He was pushy and sexually aggressive. He was lewd. He talked fast like he was on some drug.
Like an idiot, I had told him my real name, and he came into the date with information about my current and previous residence from google, which made me triggered.
He grabbed and kissed me several times - on a first date.
The fact that he did not resemble his picture is peripheral.
I cane home and blocked his number.
A couple of days later, I get a text from a different number but it’s him. He sent me photos of him with other women he got from the dating site. On each picture, he wrote my name... it was beyond creepy. I blocked that number too.
He lied about everything, including name and profession. In fact, he kept changing his name.
I reported him to the dating site, sending screenshots of what I received from him. They emailed me back saying they took “appropriate action”. I checked back and his profile is still active. Since the incident, I had made my own profile invisible and cancelled my membership.
Needless to say, I feel like I don’t ever want to use any online dating site again. The whole experience made me lose sleep and check my doors to make sure they are locked.
When he kissed me without permission, I felt horror and revulsion and rage. I wanted to destroy him...
I’m just starting to calm down a bit from the initial shock of the whole thing, but it just put the last nail in the coffin for me regarding dating.

 

[NatBird]

An update...
I went on my first date in nearly 2 yrs with someone on the online dating site.
He was pushy and sexually aggressive. He was lewd. He talked fast like he was on some drug.
Like an idiot, I had told him my real name, and he came into the date with information about my current and previous residence from google, which made me triggered.
He grabbed and kissed me several times - on a first date.
The fact that he did not resemble his picture is peripheral.
I cane home and blocked his number.
A couple of days later, I get a text from a different number but it’s him. He sent me photos of him with other women he got from the dating site. On each picture, he wrote my name... it was beyond creepy. I blocked that number too.
He lied about everything, including name and profession. In fact, he kept changing his name.
I reported him to the dating site, sending screenshots of what I received from him. They emailed me back saying they took “appropriate action”. I checked back and his profile is still active. Since the incident, I had made my own profile invisible and cancelled my membership.
Needless to say, I feel like I don’t ever want to use any online dating site again. The whole experience made me lose sleep and check my doors to make sure they are locked.
When he kissed me without permission, I felt horror and revulsion and rage. I wanted to destroy him...
I’m just starting to calm down a bit from the initial shock of the whole thing, but it just put the last nail in the coffin for me regarding dating.

This sounds horrendous

I am so sorry you had this experience

Well done for looking after yourself. Will you report to the police too?

Hope you will be able to take good care of you. Sounds like some serious self care will be needed

 

[willhealeventually]

This sounds horrendous

I am so sorry you had this experience

Well done for looking after yourself. Will you report to the police too?

Hope you will be able to take good care of you. Sounds like some serious self care will be needed

For someone with ptsd, it is extra horrendous... I will only contact the police if he reaches out again. I don’t want to poke the bear, and I have my sons living with me.
I am resting and it feels good.

 

[Deanna]

An update...
I went on my first date in nearly 2 yrs with someone on the online dating site.
He was pushy and sexually aggressive. He was lewd. He talked fast like he was on some drug.
Like an idiot, I had told him my real name, and he came into the date with information about my current and previous residence from google, which made me triggered.
He grabbed and kissed me several times - on a first date.
The fact that he did not resemble his picture is peripheral.
I cane home and blocked his number.
A couple of days later, I get a text from a different number but it’s him. He sent me photos of him with other women he got from the dating site. On each picture, he wrote my name... it was beyond creepy. I blocked that number too.
He lied about everything, including name and profession. In fact, he kept changing his name.
I reported him to the dating site, sending screenshots of what I received from him. They emailed me back saying they took “appropriate action”. I checked back and his profile is still active. Since the incident, I had made my own profile invisible and cancelled my membership.
Needless to say, I feel like I don’t ever want to use any online dating site again. The whole experience made me lose sleep and check my doors to make sure they are locked.
When he kissed me without permission, I felt horror and revulsion and rage. I wanted to destroy him...
I’m just starting to calm down a bit from the initial shock of the whole thing, but it just put the last nail in the coffin for me regarding dating.

#metoo (lol) I attracted a creep. I got all dolled up and I am tall as well. I had heels on with pants. I was easily 6' 2" We were suppose to meet at Barnes and Noble. Well, I get there looking all around for this guy in the picture and he's nowhere to be found. I called his number when I was in the store and ran into the guy and didn't even recognise him ( his pic on the profile was 20 years old) He was real short and older, by about 20 years. I distracted him by both of us going over to Chick fil a and eating a sandwich ( right in front of the bookstore) and said I had to go.

Anyway, I told a friend of mine his name and she knew him. He lived out by her and she said he was a creep. His oldest daughter lives with him ( she has a kid) and they have sex or he molests her. Yuck!! There was just something about him that gave me the creeps. Glad I got a away. I've never thought twice about onlinedating.

 

[PreciousChild]

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. I've done some online dating, and there are people on there that you would probably never agree to see if you knew them in real life, but the technology puts them into contact with you. I also remember my first online date after my divorce. I told everyone, like the manicurist, how I was going on a date for the first time in a decade. I was so nervous and anticipatory. I had built up the guy I was seeing in my mind from just a few pictures and a few messages. I was so disappointed by the actual man in real life when I did meet him that it was like a gut punch. I look back in retrospect and think about how naive I was. And the guy was super pissed that I changed my mind so quickly - he thought I was a total bitch for running away. Online dating is so weird and mostly awful. Having said that, I know three single mothers who have been divorced for many years and who have had one bad dating experience after another, but they are all in committed relationships now for at least 8 months. I am in the same boat. I actually just had lunch with one of these friends and we were talking about how coincidental it all is. But now that I see them in relationships with men who love, care, and want to build real relationships with them, it's remarkable because I almost got used to them being with men who seemed not to care much. It's like wow, there are men who actually care about what happens to you, who want to build a relationship, and will build you up. I don't want to sound overly romantic, but it is possible to find love on these sites. You just have to be discriminating. Btw, two of my friends found their guys off line. I and another friend found our guys online.

Btw, my guy waited for me to be ready for intimacy for 2 months. And I could tell that he would have waited even longer if I was still not ready. He said he was getting frustrated, but he said I was worth the wait. I took things very, very slowly in online dating - it was my way of vetting out the ones who were not right for me. My bf asks me how he can do better if he senses that he's upset me, tells me all the time how much he loves me. He has made me more relaxed and happy, and my friends seem to be having the same experience too. Btw, I think a year and a half is long enough. But whether you're ready for dating is not based on a timeline. I don't think anyone could truly know besides you.

 

[willhealeventually]

@PreciousChild you are lucky that you found someone.
The more I consider the whole dating thing, the more I realize that I am averse to male private parts. It is possibly something that will never go away. I guess I am just thinking aloud here and not really trying to justify anything...
I’m going to try dating women and see if that works any better.
I also discovered, that when someone feels a sexual attraction toward me, I immediately don’t want to have anything to do with them. I am afraid of being “needed” for sex because I’m not sure I can meet that need. It’s been a long time, and I have not felt anything.
A friend asked me what I’m really looking for in a relationship, and I had to think hard - maybe a close friend without benefits? Preferably female... it’s been a time of exploring what I really want and can realistically hope for with ptsd.