Down The Rabbit Hole

[Justmehere]

I did my first somatic experiencing session that was processing a childhood event. I have done quite a few sessions processing adult trauma with EMDR and somatic experiencing techniques. I have talked about childhood trauma, and it has mostly been a very academic thing for me.

Yesterday, we did an event that wasn't trauma, but and cent where I was blamed for the family problems - which is a huge trigger now. I was 12 and my parents took my brother and I to see a marriage counselor they had seen. The counselor sat down with me and told me, "well, you are quite the brat in the family and you are really putting your parents through hell." I walked out of the session. Even at 12 years old I was tired of being told I was to blame for not my fathers angry tirades and punching holes in the wall and hurting me. I don't think to he counselor likely knew the extent of the rage or how I never got into trouble at school, where life was predictable and safe...

I walked out and walked 4 miles home, so upset. I remember so well thinking that if it was all up to me, all my fault, then all hope was lost.

As far as I know, my parents never went back to counseling... and while they remain married, my mother still occasionally sends me a random text or email to tell me I am the fault for all the problems in their marriage, with never any explanation as to why I am at fault... Not as a kid or an adult.

All the same, was a pivotal moment when I walked out and walked home. She called me a brat. I joked with my therapist yesterday, "is that some kind of clinical term?" She was simply astonished...

So we worked with it. The feelings I had then. I was surprised that so much feeling surfaced. The session ended well with me feeling grounded and much better though. I slept hard last night, but I had a horrible nightmare about my family. It was so violent. Much like my childhood. So much screaming and hitting and fear and rage... In my nightmare, I was not among the violence, but loading up a car with medical records from adult trauma and told a friend to go quickly, we have to get away... and I woke up.

I haven't had nightmares about my family or childhood for awhile. My nightmares have been about adulthood trauma.

I'm not sure in ready to open this up. I told my therapist yesterday this all seems daunting to begin to walk through. She had much hope that it would all be ok. She said we would keep working a lot on containment and it will reduce how much in triggered now and reenacting trauma now - which are huge problems and stressors in my life. Huge.

I feel like in jumping down the rabbit hole.

It was such a small event that I felt so much about. I can talk about the trauma as a child in a very factual way, and I'm pretty calm, matter-of-fact about it. But when my therapist asks me to describe even the smallest event in detail, like this one with this marriage counselor, and then tell her what I feel in my body... I feel so much.

Has anyone experienced anything like this before?

 

[Powder]

Yes, I think we have automatically "sealed" it off to contain the pain and couldn't process it yet. Or we did process it to the extent we could "conduct" the sensations, which was quite limited compared to what we are capable now. But nobody has told us that, and there was "never a good time" to open the horrid time capsule and deal with it all.

I think you are doing good work and brave to go there and do the work. Those willing to do this are the ones I admire most. Change yourself and you change the world, the world you can change the most.

Someone challenged me to think "differently" recently, and I am thinking about how I can still grow, even though all this happened to me. However, if I don't get into those sealed off places, how am I really growing? She said, "just decide who you want to be and become that." But how is that possible with unprocessed trauma and constant triggers? I don't think she was completely right, but there is some of that each day, as I make decisions about how I think, feel, and act, I could try to grow and to feel more empathy for others rather than only feel my pain.

This is hard, as there is so much, just like you said, that nobody, not even me, has digested. But I know I am capable of growth, as I've done it, and seen it. So I think it's not mutually exclusive. But like you said, it's kind of exhausting emotional workouts to go into the past.

Well done, Muse

 

[freakofnurture]

I walked out and walked 4 miles home, so upset. I remember so well thinking that if it was all up to me, all my fault, then all hope was lost. (...)

It was such a small event that I felt so much about.

Dude, 'small' event? A well-respected professional who your parents turned to for help told you: "This is all your doing." It's one thing to have it told to you by your parents over and over again, but when someone from the outside, who - in theory - has actual power to initiate positive change teams up with them, that's a whole new level of low.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I can talk about the trauma as a child in a very factual way, and I'm pretty calm, matter-of-fact about it. But when my therapist asks me to describe even the smallest event in detail, like this one with this marriage counselor, and then tell her what I feel in my body... I feel so much.

The initial detachment is normal. It's part of your psyche's way of protecting itself. It likely will get under your skin more and more as you let down your guard, adjust your perspective (which I guarantee is still heavily distorted by your parents' excuses and minimisations), and realise the whole extent of the wrongs your parents did.

Those are the strings attached to healing from trauma. You have to let the pain get through before you can actually work on it and get better. Take good care of yourself while you're in that process. It's hard, but you can do it :)

 

[Sarah2732]

I'm not sure in ready to open this up.

Ask yourself if you feel this way because you don't WANT to open it up, or because you are aware you legitimately aren't prepared for the consequences. If it's the latter, and you feel like to need to build a safer relationship with your T and learn more grounding/containment/coping skills, then speak up for yourself and set that boundary. You could even write your present thoughts about it, seal it in an envelope, and give it to your T, agreeing you'll open it together and work on the contents 2, 3, even 6 months from now.

I can talk about the trauma as a child in a very factual way, and I'm pretty calm, matter-of-fact about it. But when my therapist asks me to describe even the smallest event in detail, like this one with this marriage counselor, and then tell her what I feel in my body... I feel so much.

Has anyone experienced anything like this before?

Not the same, but have definitively experienced similar disconnection! Early on in therapy my T talked about the BASK trauma model - which totally reinforces what you are describing. It explains that traumatic memories are split into 4 categories: Behavior, Affect, Sensation and Knowledge, and then stored fragmented and/or dissociated/repressed. It's why so many people have knowledge without emotion, body memories without knowledge of actual memories to match, etc, etc.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I wish I could go to that therapist and punch in the face for you. Awful!

 

[Sandstone]

I feel like in jumping down the rabbit hole.
It was such a small event that I felt so much about. I can talk about the trauma as a child in a very factual way, and I'm pretty calm, matter-of-fact about it. But when my therapist asks me to describe even the smallest event in detail, like this one with this marriage counselor, and then tell her what I feel in my body... I feel so much.
Has anyone experienced anything like this before?

It sounds as though you and your therapist are doing an excellent job of accessing the feelings that go with the events and I think you are to be congratulated for your courage. Like Muse, I admire you.


I was interested in Sarah2732 's comments about BASK and came upon this. But maybe it's a subject for a separate thread


The BASK Model

James Chu (1998) has offered the descriptive scheme of the BASK model, according to which any one or any number of the following may be dissociated: behaviors, affects, sensations, and knowledge. The model can be used to conceptualize the aspects either of self or of traumatic experience that are affected by the dissociative defenses. For example, a woman may give a factual and full account of the accident she suffered, her injuries, and what she did, but may tell the story like a robot because she does not have access to the affective dimension of the terror or pain she felt. In such a case, affect is dissociated while knowledge is not ….
Most therapists are trained and accustomed to rely heavily on their intuitive empathic knowing, derived from affective contact with their patients. This way of understanding doesn’t work when a dissociative patient doesn’t have self- experience to empathize with, so the therapist may feel lost or inadequate without understanding why. For this reason, the BASK model is useful: It enables the therapist to be able to ask and think about what part of the experience is missing, and to work cognitively to reconstruct the missing parts of the self as well as the experience.
from
Management of Trauma-Related Affect, Defenses, and Dissociative States
ELIZABETH HEGEMAN and AGNES WOHL at Link Removed