Fear

[Casey_03]

I've realized that me recently accepting a new job in Ukraine means I am finally not capitulating to fear. I have been in a rut for the past several months, crippled by depression. I was driven by fear this whole time, afraid to do or try anything because it might end badly. I became so convinced that everything I touch turns to crap, that everything I do blows up in my face, that every person I let in turns into a monster -- that I simply stopped doing everything and anything. I was (and stil am) afraid to live. And yet as terrified as I am now to begin this new job and leave everything I know behind, I realize that this is me finally saying no to that fear, not letting it control me. Now, I just really hope everything works out so I don't have another trauma to deal with. I suppose this epiphany of mine isn't all that groundbreaking, especially for those with PTSD, but it took a lot for me to realize that it was really fear holding me back. Anyone else experience this/still experiencing this?

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I have been on the cusp of letting go for just over 15 months now. I think from what you thread above it is about time I too take the plung and say HEY Future !! :)

:hug:s

Laurie

 

[Suzetig]

I so recognise what you're saying, in fact this has been around for me for a while now. I am scared of everything, I'm in a job that causes me lots of problems but won't leave because I'm scared to, there are conversations I need to have with people I care about but won't because I'm scared. I can work myself into a panic just thinking about telling someone what I need from them. I'm utterly convinced tht life won't be ok for me, that everything will go wrong for me and then I tend to completely undermine myself until it all does go wrong.

Congratulations on your new job, such a brave move when you're so scared.

 

[VioletButterfly]

This is a HUGE accomplishment and I am so happy for you! I'm working on fear and employment issues right now, and understand how suffocating and crippling fear can be. What you have shown in taking on this new job, in a new location is pure "courage" - you were afraid and did it anyway. It is exceptionally inspiring, and I wish you the best in your job and environment! VB :happy:

 

[Casey_03]

@Santa_Laurie, please do take the plunge! I've just gotten to the point where I realized any decision will be the right one because it will allow change, even if it doesn't work out how I wanted it too. I have been controlled for so long by all of these catastrophic "what ifs". Any time there was a decision before me, even if it just involved getting in touch with someone, I would avoid it because I was so afraid I'd somehow end up getting hurt. But this is no way to live, and I think it just gave the depression full and utter control over me, even if I was somehow "safe" from life.

 

[Casey_03]

@Suzetig and @VioletButterfly - Thank you guys, and I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one with the fear bug. I think that it has helped me immensely to finally realize what it was controlling me -- I had previously viewed it as necessary to stay safe, but now I realize it's just fear of life. And that is no kind of life. It's funny, so many of us PTSD victims have already been to hell and back, and survived, but then fear finds a way to control us anyway.

 

[darrenS]

i am ambivalent and with no offense am not going to herald it as a major breakthrough , instead i am going to give you a question to ponder. I think because you have been in a constant upheaval /depression, that searching out another dangerous experience is in reality a complex ptsd reaction. You are going into a warzone as you have stated before, which could result in you being retraumatized.

The fact you need a possible life threatening experience to alleviate symptoms is a true ptsd reaction. Many would not see this as they run from fear and danger, but i have discussed this in some ways with you before , and there are some of us , that only feel alive and functioning in these types of situations.

Its like we forget about depression etc because the reality is there is danger and you are on 24/7 and your brain dosent have time or room to think about the past, only the art of survival. We end up retraumatized which gives us an out on the previous ones for a while, until they all mege together again and we search for the next danger fix.

I wish you well and truly hope you stay safe

 

[Casey_03]

@darrenS, This is something I have given a great deal of thought to in recent weeks -- am I using this to escape depression? Is this just the PTSD? I was hesitant to accept the job at first precisely because of these things. But after a lot of soul-searching, I can honestly say I don't believe my decision was motivated by my symptoms. I dreamt of being a war correspondent as a child, and it was always a goal of mine to do real reporting, not just sitting behind a desk. That said, I am not the type to seek out danger and don't think I will be reckless with my work. Ultimately, I think I'd regret not taking the job.

 

[darrenS]

good luck and be safe and well

 

[SeaQuel]

@darrenS @Casey_03 I actually agree with both of you. I, too, have always gravitated towards travel, adventure, experiencing new cultures, and, yes, locations that are not always considered those you would want your child to send a postcard home from. I think part of this desire - particularly seeking out what are in fact unsafe, dangerous locations - does tie back to trauma and PTSD. Wanting to run and keep running, wanting to avoid facing the PTSD head on, etc. But part of that is really and truly what I think may well be part of my essence and sounds like @Casey_03 's as well.

Not everyone shares the same world view, and that is fine - that's what makes the world go 'round. I've known many who would never think to leave the comforts of their closest Walmart or big box store, or having to navigate through a new land, people, language. For others, though, this is the very challenge that makes them feel like they are alive and living life, it's their passion, and it's where their heart has led them.

I have traveled to hot spots while battling PTSD and instead of triggering me or making me more symptomatic, it restored a huge part of me that I had been missing and I believe it in fact helps me with my recovery. Are the risks there to be retraumatized, yup they sure are, but I don't think that should stop someone from following their dreams.

So this is all to say @Casey_03 congrats on the new job and bon voyage!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that for many of us, fear governs our daily decisions. I realize you jumped this hurdle, but I'd be hesitant to say that this issue is fully behind you. The truth is that we deal with fear on a daily basis. Its downright hard to determine if we are doing something (or not doing something) out of fear, or if maybe we actually shouldn't be doing something because it isn't right or we need to simply rest. This is a huge struggle of mine as I constantly think that I need to be pushing myself forward. Truth be told, pushing myself forward is what got me to where I am now in my healing, but I also think it is now more of a hindrance than a help. That is, I am farther along in my healing and I am struggling to know when to say when.....I struggle to know when my body has had enough. I cannot (not now, nor ever) push myself to the same limits that a normal person can as I must always engage in a higher level of self care. Finding the exact right balance is extremely difficult, and I think it will be a lifelong struggle.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@DancingBull,

I believe @darrenS has insight on this issue as he, too, has worked abroad in what may be considered "not so safe" places. I don't think its because he prefers the comforts of American Wal-marts!