Fed Up With The Rollercoaster Of Emotion

[KP the nut]

I had an awful nightmare last night, well to be honest I had a few but one was particularly disturbing. I dreampt that over a few weeks I stockpiled my meds, I took the pills out of the blister pack and put boxes in various litter bins. I then ran a nice relaxing bath, lit candles and swallowed the lot. It seemed so real, I woke up crying.

In the past, not so much now I've thought it would be better if I hadn't survived the accident. BUT I had never considered killing myself. Very upsetting and disturbing. I told H and he held me and comforted me. Scared to tell T, he'll think I've lost the plot.

I must go and face the day, put my mask on and deal with today.
Linking arms
KP

 

[Reclusive]

Oh, that sounds like a terrible dream! And that you thought it was terrible tells me that's not something you would do. I'm glad your H was there to help comfort you. And I think your T will be understanding and not think you've 'lost the plot'.

Linking arms back atcha, KP! You can do it! Give yourself a treat today.

 

[intothelight]

(((Kath)))

It is scary when those thoughts invade our sleep or waking hours. It is OK to talk to your T and he should know. Trauma therapy increases those thoughts and it is important to keep him in the loop.

I hope you are feeling better today.

Deb

 

[KP the nut]

OK, time to put the pity part to bed. I am strong.

Spent a few hours chatting online to a friend here and it has given me a well needed kick up the rear. He told me it happened, it was an accident, I must accept it. And I must get over it and stop dwelling on it. I must pull myself together and appreciate that I survived an I'm alive.

So.......

 

[Deleted member 6617]

You are strong KP! ((((KP))))

 

[KP the nut]

Wow what a day yesterday was. In a very good way.

T was amazing. I reached the stage where my SUDS level was a very low 1. EMDR worked well and I was able to reinforce positive thoughts.

I replayed the scene, but by the second time and concentrating on negatives I kept having the thought, 'but this is not real, it is a memory', I survived. So next round we went with I survived, to reinforce that. Then it came that 'I got out'. So we went through with that.

I then had to see the scene as a picture, I had to chose a colour (yellow) and visualise myself painting over the scene. It needed a second coat. T asked if it had gone and I replied there was an outline still there, so Back into EMDR to paint and paint and paint until it had gone. he then asked me what I wanted to do with the yellow apinting, I replied burn it. So during EMDR I visualised burning the picture until it ws just ashes on the wind.

In the previous session I'd resisted my inner self, believing I wasn't worthy of saving. Yesterday was completely different, I allowed my inner self to help, it was my inner self which helped me to survive. I had that thought whilst we replayed the scent. All of a sudden I felt this incredible warmth spread through my body, from head to toes. The tension disappeared and I felt at peace. I still can't believe I'm feeling this way.

I was able to tell T, that it was an accident, I escaped the wreckage, I survived, I am alive and I must get over it. T said not get over it but accept it.

So SUDS at 1. I feel calm, tension has eased and I am feeling better than I have for a long time. Next week we will reevaluate SUDS and if I am OK we will move forward.

It is a memory, it cannot hurt me, I survived and I am safe.

 

[Reclusive]

Good for you KP! Sounds like you've made a huge breakthrough! Sounds like you're really getting there and thank you for taking us with you.

 

[KP the nut]

What a difference a week makes. I had a rough morning yesterday. I was upset and for the first time thought of ducking a T session. Sense prevailed and I had to race around, walk dogs, shower and drove to session, only 5 minutes late.

We reviewed last weeks session, SUDS still 1. Great. T then wants to work on a near miss I had in Oct. He asks me what I feel about that incident. I was driving home in the dark and as I came around a blind corner, a car was coming on my side of the road trying to overtake. I had to swerve onto the verge to miss him. I was v shaken. I told T it was OK.

So into EMDR, concentrating and narrating the journey. Was it OK, hell no. Recalling that moment, was so disturbing, I wasn't expecting it. We went over and over it. T asked if I was aware my right side was trembling again - no. I was there again. I'd had to stop the car and in my mind it was an accident, I could visualise, emergency services there, the panic was so real. It was after that that I stopped driving. That night all I could think was I had to get home, if I was home I was safe, nothing could hurt me there.

I told T, I stopped driving, couldn't work and didn't want to leave the house. It was an awful session for me but I suppose it came out. I think I was in shock as I left the office, T actually took my hand and told me I'd done well, that he knew it was harder than I'd expected it to be, to take it easy for the rest of the day. He told me to take a bath or shower with scented candles lit, to try and relax.

I drove home, and felt like collapsing. I was in so much physical and mental pain. I was drained and exhausted. No fight left, tired of being strong and pushing all the time. Live a 'normal' life, drive, see to the house, dogs etc.

I am slightly better today but feel so bewildered and lost. I'm going through the motions of living today. Chatting online, trying to say the right things, trying to be a good friend. At least H has gone to work, he'll be home at about 4am tomorrow and then has the day off. I have today to pull myself up but I don't know if it is worth it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Kath))))

It won't 'feel' worth it until it finally has no more power over you, but when that does come, it WILL be worth it.

Hang in there! We're with you! This is just the trauma stored in there coming out like a raging river torrent...but it will turn into just a stream, then a babbling brook.

Ride it out, our dear friend....better times ahead...

 

[Reclusive]

Make sure you get some nurturing 'me time' in today - you went through a lot and it was a surprise. In your place, I'd even go so far as to take a day off.

But check out what you just did in one t session!!! You're scootin' right along!

 

[KP the nut]

In your place, I'd even go so far as to take a day off.!

If I was back at work I would have :roflmao:

 

[KP the nut]

Feeling stronger after taking the dogs for their walk. They always work their magic.

One thing I discovered whilst walking, I now know is what triggers me and it is not good. The good guys of the emergency services set me into panic mode. Paramedic, fire and police - see a flashing light, hear a siren or see a uniform and I'm a wreck.