Feedback On Long Term Avoidance Please?

[JohnnyM53]

Hiya Annie!!

And welcome to the Forum.

I've been here for about a week and I'm finding it very helpful to connect with others affected by PTSD. Lots of great people on here.

Like others who have commented on your original post, I'm very familiar with isolation.

I've had PTSD symptoms most of my life, but only learned about this disorder late in life.

For most of it, I just shoved my emotions down, often hidding the fact that I was severely depressed and discouraged. I'd go to social events or work even when that was the last thing I wanted to do. Back then, it was easier to just go, then to explain why I didn't/couldn't and deal with the feedback.

Four years ago, I went off work. I could barely gather the energy to look at my phone when it rang, let alone answer it, during the first three months.

I went back to work after a while but no matter what meds I tried, my system simply couldn't handle stress anymore.

Being so exhausted, I stopped fighting with my bad feelings, let them be, and wait it out until either I found a solution, or the feelings went away. And I found that it helped me to do so, most times.

Recently, I've been reading books such as Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, and it and a few others, mentioned that "resistance" (ie, wanting those feelings to go away NOW), makes things worse. So perhaps that's why I found it easier to stop fighting my feelings, and let them be. Sometimes they'd go away in a day or two, sometimes it took two weeks, but it seemed to work for me.

So most of my friends now know that if I dont call or e-mail them soon, or if I cancel out on a social activity at the last minute, it's because I'm not feeling the best. This way, I don't have to pretend that all is ok with them.

As Paloma suggested, maybe sending a friend a simple "Hi" or "I'm struggling right now. Can I get back to you later?" message can take the pressure off of you. They, in turn, won't worry as much as they would if their calls aren't returned.

That said, sometimes talking to an understanding friend makes me feel better somehow and the down feelings start to lift. So in regards to isolation, in my case, sometimes I need to isolate/avoid people for a while, but if the feelings don't change soon, reconnecting with others who are struggling seems to help me break the cycle.

I hope this helps some, and know that you are not alone in how you are feeling and trying to cope with this disorder.

Hope to see you on chat someday, whenever, or if ever, you feel up to it.

Johnny :)

 

[anni]

Awesomely Helpful!

Hi-
I was going to just say 'Thanks' but had to writes instead. I'd like to still say thanks to all who replied because WOW , when I read posts by people who know exactly what is going on in my head/heart/psyche the relief hits with this huge 'thud'.
I have found, not astonishingly, that my avoidance behaviours will extend even to somewhere as safe as here in this forum. I'm deliberately disallowing the PTSD to win in here, however and have only missed a few days of logging on since I joined recently. :) I have a Facebook page I haven't gone to since August, although my email tells me I have numerous people waiting to hear from me. I'm planning at some point, I hope, to post PTSD information there, together with some small editorial inclusive of 'If anyone doesn't hear from me please know I'll be back but here's what's up'.

I have an awful lot of friends to get back in touch with eventually, good people I have 'dropped' with no explanation.They don't know they weren't 'dropped' out of neglect and callusness but because I am absolutely paniced to maintain the connection. The mechanisms of PTSD are sooo baffling that I realize I do not explain them very well. One of the reasons this forum is so awesome is that noone has to explain anything! We know. When I've managed those contacts, one by one, I'm going to use what you suggested and let them know what is going on. Some of these people I've known all my life and to a person know my traumas but none of them know what grew out of that. I'm not going to be able to get in touch with anyone tomorrow or even the next day but at least I'm gaining an idea of what to do when I get there.

On the re-read this post doesn't sound as clear as I would like. :) That would be because I am very very antsy being online again today and even more antsy just thinking about getting this WORK done. Thank you for the great post and hope to see all of you around the forum.
Take care-

 

[LoveWins]

Hi Anni,

Firstly you certainly do not sound disjointed at all. Your post was eloquent and I got exactly what you were saying. I compeltely understand everything you said and feel exactly the same way and am in the same position

I too struggle to keep up conversation because of years of isolation. I don't answer the phone unless it's my husbands number (the phone ring scares me) and I certainly don't usually do anything social. I also have friends I just dropped and moved away from, and have to force myself to come online and talk sometimes even if I really want to in my heart!

You're definitelyin the right place here if you want to ease back into being more social. I am finding it so helpful...I built up to being able to go in the chatroom a few weeks ago, and honestly, I couldn't have hoped for better people to be the first new people I'd talked to in years! Even if you just say to us "I'm sorry I'm struggling with the words, but I want to talk", most of us here will get that and help eachother out. It's fantastic. No judgements or big expectations...just understanding

I too am writing out sentences right now and then deleting them, fearing not putting my words down right. What are we like!? I'm going to stop now, because what I'm wanting to say is just good luck and I hope you make some good friends here-joining up and sharing a bit of ourselves with others is always a big step. Also good luck in explaining to your old friends. I did the same thing with a few people to test the waters recently and got mixed responses...remember not everyone will get it or want to get it. But those worth hanging on to will try

 

[Grainne]

Well Anni, I'm with you too. The avoidance, for me, is terrible. I also avoid websites, email etc..in fact, sometimes I simply cannot open an email from a particular person (even at work) and it will often sit in my inbox unopened until it's bumped right off my screen. I feel too guilty to delete it without reading it, but dear me...to OPEN it? Not a chance.

I haven't spoken to my mom in weeks and she's now leaving messages for me daily. I haven't spoken to my husbands family in person, by phone or by email in over a year. I get to feeling so guilty that I haven't spoken to them that the desire not to talk to them gets worse and worse until i'm either finally trapped and forced into it, or some holiday rolls around and I have no choice but to see them.

The friends I have are really work colleagues and I almost never see them outside of working hours (nice and easy, never too personal on my end). I do have two very good friends that I have known for years who put up with me vanishing for months at a time. I make sure that I am as honest with them as I can be AND I make sure they know how much I love them...and how much I appreciate them during the times I am able.

Anyway...could go on and on...but I just wanted you to know that yet another person here understands.

Grainne

 

[LoveWins]

I haven't spoken to my husbands family in person, by phone or by email in over a year. I get to feeling so guilty that I haven't spoken to them that the desire not to talk to them gets worse and worse until i'm either finally trapped and forced into it, or some holiday rolls around and I have no choice but to see them.

Oh, me too! I'm glad I'm not alone with that. It's horrible isn't it? I feel terrible about it. My husband's family are lovely people, and I really, really want to be part of it. I don't have much of a family of my own. But I just can't. Whenever I've tried to talk the words all come out wrong because I'm so nervous, and when I'm forced into seeing them like at christmas I'm usually just quiet and silently hoping they're not annoyed at me for barely having spoken to them in all these years. It's difficult. I hope one day I can explain and they'll understand, but it's not an easy thing to bring up to people you don't know very well, is it

 

[anni]

Holy Heck!!

Wow!! This is completely and utterly amazing to me and thank you so very much!! I'm reading about my every-single-day struggles that baffle and irritate me, that cause so much guilt and of course then further anxiety that I almost give up sometimes even trying to make contact and just stay in my safe little world. THAT is incredibly unrealistic, of course, and the only way it's going to change is to look that bugger in the eye, know it's there and try to overcome it anyway I ( we) can!
Of course, knowing I'll get mixed feedback from people I re-contact makes it more guilt/anxiety provoking but because you all have done it or are trying it makes me grit my teeth and at least try, or have the intention of trying. Having intent at least is better than not having hope, right?
I liked smiling when I read about an email sitting in the inbox un-opened because it was told in a light way- as in FORGET IT! I had an lol moment and that's a relief also. Nothing is vaguely funny about the traumas we've had or the pain in the backside struggles and pain we have now but wow is it cool to be able to laugh in connection with something. I also have emails I haven't opened and just seeing them sitting in there makes me so guilty and anxious I sometimes do give up and cry. It's awful, as everyone knows! To be able to smile because we can also say WHOA can you believe this? Well, it helps, that's all. I hope I haven't offended anyone by implying anything we're going through is at all funny, please do not think that for a moment. My load is lightened incredibly by reading of such similarities and if it takes the form of a smile or laugh please know it is well intended?
Thanks once again to everyone- so much!!