General Feeling Depressed These Past Couple Days...

[Angus McGee]

My wife wanted to get a new phone, so she headed to the AT&T store in the morning. While she was there, and I was at work, I got a text from AT&T saying "There has been changes made to your account. For more information, contact...."

I sent her a text, asking her "Have you done anything other than get a new phone?"
She replied, "Yes. Give me a few minutes, and I'll explain."
During the time I was waiting for her to get back to me, I was convinced that she had pulled her name off of our family plan, and created her own account. It would have cost more money, but after everything else that's happened these past few months, it would have made perfect sense.
She called an hour later, and explaned that because I was the primary account member, she couldn't make any changes, including get a new phone. The change she made was to make herself a co-primary account member on our account.

I said to her, "I thought you were pulling your name off the account, and making your own."
"No!" She said, with a tone that told me how absurd she thought that was.

Since then, I'm in a new funk. This one is deeper than the others I've had during this time. How funny that it's over something that didn't even happen.

I guess I just don't see an end to all of this. I almost feel that my love for her is fading, and it's being replaced by this sense of depression.

In spite of everything I've done to maintain contact, ask how she is doing, etc. it seems her actions are intentionally out to hurt me. I know that sounds foolish and even childish, but from someone that was once my partner in life, it doesn't take much to cause pain. Her actions over the past ~year have been chipping away at was once our life. Yet, I can't blame her, because she isn't herself. This rotten illness has turned her into someone I flat-out can't stand to be in the same room with, much less talk on the phone or email/text with.

I hope and pray that things will improve, but instead things get worse. I just don't know how much more I can take. But, regardless of whether I can "take" it or not, I have to continue on, and pretend that everything is sunshine and lollipops for her (while I'm in her presence) and for our kids.

Looking for an off-ramp around here somewhere.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Angus,

I know you didn't feel like you needed therapy, but depression is nothing to mess with. I don't know if you have clergy that you can talk to, or even just an appointment with a therapist to get some ideas for coping. Yes, the Forum is great for support, but sometimes, face-to-face, in-real-life support is needed.

Even though you are trying to support your wife, it is only she that can make changes in herself. You really do need to take care of yourself. You mention your children, and this is probably really hard on them, and they need one really strong, healthy parent to help them. So even though it may seem selfish to put yourself first, in the long-run your children and your wife will benefit.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[Angus McGee]

Yeah, there are some people I can talk to. Let's see how the next few days go. She is supposed to be getting a call from her T on getting the ball rolling on her EMDR, so if that goes well, I'll probably feel better. Not knowing, or even being able to ask her about it isn't easy.

Getting on here, and "spilling the candy" so to speak helps me out.

 

[amethist]

Spill as much candy as you need to Angus, we have all done it and let loose many times.

Taking good care of yourself does not come first on the list, even when it should.

Amethist

 

[Angus McGee]

I appreciate the encouragement.

Thank you.

 

[seedling]

Hang in there Angus. I think the fear and dread of anticipating what might happen is just as bad as something happening for real. I can see how it would set you off on a negative tack.

 

[Angus McGee]

Yep... Contacted a counsellor tonight. Will see how it goes.

Thanks.

 

[Toria]

That great news Angus - I know you've asked before what good it would do you, and come to the conclusion that it would not help at all... but maybe the time has come when it will help you a little bit. I described my feelings in my diary here just recently as having dug myself a big hole and I'm sitting at the bottom of it feeling blue and not being able to climb back out of it. But every hole has a little bit of light at the top of it - no matter how deep you dig - maybe your wife's new therapy will be that light for you. It made me smile when you said that you were feeling down about something that never even happened - it could simply be the fact that you have started to doubt her actions and her motives that has made you feel down. Doubting the person you love the most is an awful feeling - but she didn't let you down on this one. Take care of yourself and good luck with your new T x

 

[Angus McGee]

Thanks.

I would like to have this T help me cope with the situation I find myself in, but also, she has PTSD experience, so I would also like to have her help me help my wife.

We had a good email conversation last night, and I actually gleaned a hopeful sign from it. I contacted the T that diagnosed my wife with PTSD back in Feb., and asked her if she would see just me. She said she would, but then couldn't see us as a couple anymore. I talked to my wife about it, and said that I'd like to keep her as a couple's T for us so once she starts feeling better from her own T, then we could come back and meet with her to help us reconnect as a couple.

Although my wife is only able to process things one day at a time these days, she told me "Go ahead and do whatever you think is best. Let's deal with the couple's treatment when we get there. She didn't say "if", she didn't even say "if/when". She said "when".

I know it's a minor thing, but in a sea of negativity, I'll cling to any piece of driftwood I can find.

 

[Tinyflame]

Angus, re: the phone- I would say that was a 'good' thing, hope you can see it as a source of mini-happiness, actually. Even her talking to you about it- don't take it for granted, that's Huge for ptsd. It involves a lot of isolation and inabilty to speak.

Oddly enough (when one has ptsd) 'good' things sometimes seem 'bad', too, so you understand-by-that-experience how your wife may sometimes feel. That's part of why it feels so horrible/ is confusing to everyone.

It is very hard but maybe it's because of the hypervigilance/ difficulty to trust/ old experiences and emotions being equated to the present moment (one with ptsd usually looks for why 'now' they feel badly even if it's not actually caused by the present moment in reality), but I have only found letting your guard down is the most helpful. Seems contrary to logic (and 'undeserved' by the other person) but I don't know the word- 'helpful'.
But I know it's very hard to have trust or confidence or forgiveness in someone when ('we') act like that. But I don't suspect most people with ptsd have that in themselves or feel very 'entitled' to it, either.

((((Angus))))

(And btw Angus, when she is working on it like she is I don't believe it's 'denial' to not be always just talking about it, etc- I don't think anyone with ptsd every gets more than a very short reprieve from dealing with 'it' :()

 

[Angus McGee]

hmm.. Very interesting comment, Junebug. I have to mull that over for a while. Yes, I do take her maintainig her account as part of our family plan as a good thing.

Thanks,

:)

 

[Tinyflame]

That's what's so 'weird' Angus- when you have ptsd that's seems to me like such an obvious ('good'/ happy) one.
Not 'grasping at straws' just reflective of something much Better/ ~healthier.

(((Angus)))