Feeling Like I Am Dying In The Inside

[anni]

It is tough, I know. God I loathe these men- if you think you're indignant now, wait until you see how mad you are ten years or so down the road, looking back! *sswipes- terrorizing women merely because they can. You're not a wimp, weak, a failure or any of the dreadful things you'd like to fling at your own head- it's all just plain old fear. He put it there carefully, too, to be sure.

When you can, do know that one of the best results is that 99 percent of the male population ( which includes a ton of police ) take an awfully dim view of these types of men. Mine got some, er, rough handling from them, which did actually go a long way in getting the message across, even if it was perhaps outside of what might be permissable in their training. :) These dam bullies do not stand up to other men, at least not when 'push comes to shove', really. Oh they talk a good game but when it comes down to it they're pretty much cowards at heart. Once I was able to begin the process, I did have very, very good results from the police, who went incredibly far to ensure my saftey as did other men even in the area I lived once they were aware of the situation. You're correct- these jerks do get all puffed up over restraining orders but at least these days the police seem to consider them a signal for the games to begin, at least where I was. I suppose things vary depending on where one lives, but I have yet to meet an officer who didn't make hash one on one with one of these *sswipes, and seemed to kind of like it. :) Just know it's fear holding you back- not weakness, or something inately 'wrong' with you- it's something he did to you.

A lot of us have lost a lot of ourselves with these men. It's their shame, not ours. We're here, ok?

 

[Marie E.]

Yeah, I believe you are right. I think I've been in denial about the exact effects he had on me, probably another thing due to him. I hate how I picture how I see somebody from my point of view and how I thought they were. He is combat and just has a attitude of tell people how it is. Some people are afraid of him, I'll push that aside. Hell my T don't like him.

He pretty much pissed me off with the - Oh, but I'm diff than other people cause I'm from Europe and Americans are this and that. I told him to put a sock in it. I'm a American European mutt with 5 European nationalities in me, don't make a diff where you are born or what's in your blood that makes you better than me just cause of the birth place. Lmao, I went off on Ethnic Europeans for a little bit. That was fun.

Shame on him!
Yeah he is to blame and not me, hard to think of how he implanted things in me.
Btw I'm not going to date for awhile as I am not ready for it. I will just have to work on myself and my kids are more important.

Thank You Anni for your support!! :)

 

[Abrasky]

Your doing all the right things Marie. It sounds like to me there were signs in the relationship of a physical violence. Ignoring with men that use intimidation to feel all big in their puny brains works most of the time in my experience. Most men however are completely wonderful. Sometimes ignoring just doesn't work and the phone company can help. The phone company can tap your calls and then call the person who keeps calling you and warn them that if they continue with that behavior they will call the police. If the phone company can't help then the police can with restraining orders. In my mum's experience she wasn't very consistant about leaving the bloke thoughor with restraining orders and every time she went back, the violence got worse and worse. Make the right decision and be strong for your kids keep up with the ignoring. If he doesn't have power by getting a reaction he will move on most of the time.

 

[Marie E.]

Thank You for the support Maze :)

 

[anni]

Oh Lord, I hate to admit all the things exactly like that I fell for too- it was such a wierd relief to even in that awful safe house I ended up in once ( mine was an exagerrated version of yours, you see-he'd gotten away with it for so long and had more money than is good for anybody, much less a big fat bully baby with small underwear ) and hear other's stories. I got there just by actually having a perfectly normal childhood with parents who never lied to me-so if someone to this day says something it's just true, in my head. I NOW know what all those signs to look for were but then? I just excused them as whatever HE excused them as. Mine hated everybody- all ethnicities had some deep flaw according to him, It's part of their 'thing' since they are SO special noone could possiby live up to their standards and aren't we lucky, lucky females to be chosen by them, too? *sswipes. :)

I'm glad to hear you've made a clear decision not to date since it really is wise, I think. I did not, and fell into several more relationships with men who did not actually hit me but boy, the dynamics were there and I'm probably just lucky they did not. I spent a ton of years completely clueless on the whole PTSD thing, in point of fact, which gets one nowhere in kind of a big hurry. This phone 'thing' you're facing so well, for example became a HUGE part of a larger problem I'm still dealing with down the road. I hope you do not mind me becoming a little wordy here, since in hindsight, following other's stories I can SEE where if I'd done things differently I would be different myself now. I allowed the fear to rule, and just avoided the phone- a ringing phone became the symbol of everything-to-be-feared, later tied up also with Men In Dark Suits ( lawyers, etc. ) who also meant me harm all associated with years of this crap too long to get into. As recently as a year ago, the phone ringing would send me out of the room, followed by the poor dog, who got programmed sort of hilariously. I do not speak easily on it even now, 20 years later- but therapy and in all honesty this forum is rubbing those edges of now slowly. I WISH to God I'd been more like you, and am writing all this out for others, too, quite honestly- perhaps like one of those yellow manuals 'pre-PTSD management for Dummies', me being the dummie. :)

I think I'm probably also just saying well done. I know you're still scared, and are being careful but are also behaving like a wise woman.

Much respect, and keep posting if you're up to it, take care, ok?

 

[Marie E.]

I am scared of my phone, I still have it on vibrate and can't answer it. Yesterday no calls, this morning a txt. I had to read it, so mad at him, but didn't respond. It said - I'm sorry to ask, tell the kids hello for me and I miss them and I miss you. (Whatever) Is that why the dumb butt called me a bitch for not looking at him or giving him the time of day a few days ago and yelling at me in a corner store I usually go to?? F*ck no!!!!!!

Btw you take care too Anni - sorry to hear about those jerks.

 

[anni]

Oh well, at least you read the dam text, probably would have been beyond me. I think it's still normal to be scared, who on earth would not be? Seriously- being mad IS something, even with the fear. I don't remember even having that a tiny bit- think it might have been useful.

It's so unfair for you to have to live life this-I'm so sorry. If he did spend an entire day with no calls maybe he's getting distracted elsewhere finally, who knows. We're here, anyway, ok?

 

[KP the nut]

I am scared of my phone, I still have it on vibrate and can't answer it. Yesterday no calls, this morning a txt. I had to read it, so mad at him, but didn't respond. It said - I'm sorry to ask, tell the kids hello for me and I miss them and I miss you. (Whatever) Is that why the dumb butt called me a bitch for not looking at him or giving him the time of day a few days ago and yelling at me in a corner store I usually go to?? F*ck no!!!!!!

Btw you take care too Anni - sorry to hear about those jerks.

Make a file on your phone to keep his texts in, I don't know call it Asshole or whatever you feel. If they continue go to the police. Don't answer him.
You are amazing
Keep safe
KP

 

[Marie E.]

Sad to say, I screwed up yesterday. My fault, but nothing that cannot be fixed. I only admitted in my diary *Sigh* I dread court tomorrow. My lawyer that is on my custody case says that the reason I even have court is cause of former b/f. I do take blame for my part though. Umm I think I only wrote in my diary about this court stuff. *Blush*:oops:

 

[Marie E.]

2 diff court cases btw, lawyer is on the one about my abuser, tomorrow is from getting a notice having to involve former b/f

 

[Marie E.]

I think I am just going to suffocate and cry, so nervous.:eek::(:mad::confused: I will give an update both today and tomorrow.