Feeling Really Guilty And Stupid Right Now

[GWhizz]

So I just got caught "shoplifting".

Been feeling really crap all day - didn't sleep much last night due to intense nightmares.

My partner decided it would be a good idea to get out and go shopping for a bit. I told him I'd rather stay at home but he didn't want to take our toddler alone because he's a bit sick and he didn't want me to be left alone with him either because I can be very triggered by my toddler when alone or really stressed. So I convinced myself to just participate as it's my one day off for almost a week, I may as well not just sit home and sulk all day.

So on the drive my partner said something related to childhood - honestly, I can't even recall the specifics or why it triggered me so much but it caused me to get completely lost in a flashback. I felt like I was zoning out and dissociating a bit afterward but managed to stay pretty focused and remain mostly present. We parked and I went to one of my favourite stores and found some cool things I wanted. But for some reason, I had this really bad feeling and started to get caught in a bad memory again. I rang my partner to try to ground me, told him I was going to pay and would meet him at a café in a while. I went to pay, just about managing to do so. Honestly I don't remember anything, not how I got from the checkouts to the exit (it's a really big store) until I was swept back into the store by 3 security guards!

Apparently I didn't pay for an item - the cheapest one of all - I spent a total of over €100, and this item cost about €10. It was something really insignificant that I didn't even want or need that much. To put it in context - I still had my toddler with me and had left this item in the basket underneath his stroller.

Anyway, I was totally mortified and intimidated by these 3 guards. Trapped in a small room by force. They refused to even let me ask any questions. I managed to get them to allow my partner to come take our son. And then I totally had a panic attack which they made out like it was an act and I do this kind of thing all the time or something.

I feel so embarrassed and humiliated after this event. I live by honestly and the guilt is eating at me right now. I'm trying to fight my negative coping mechanisms right now.

I also don't feel like I can bring this up with my T next week - our relationship is a little rocky right now and I don't feel like she'd believe this crazy story anyway.

What the heck is wrong with me? Seriously, this has consequences on my job also if it were to go on record. How can I just not remember?

My partner is totally being supportive but kinda in the back of his head I can see he's thinking maybe I purposely 'forgot to pay'.

My anxiety is just up to 90 right now but I'm trying to de-stress. Honestly, I can't have another episode of losing touch or another flashback - not tonight.

 

[Jane.l]

Hey even 'normal' people forget to pay for stuff, my mum was shopping with my daughter a few weeks ago and got down the road from the store before she realised she had walked out without paying, it's very easily done missing things in the basket of the stroller - you were on auto pilot, I understand how and why this has shaken you but no need to feel guilty - might be worth talking through with your T because I can see how it could really dent your self confidence - did you get a conclusion on the 'reporting' difficulty with her?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am SO sorry this happened to you!

I used to work as a check out clerk, and it was VERY common for people to have things under their carts that they forgot to put on the counter. Given that most people are pretty honest, I'd say that most of these were just honest mistakes. I think its horrible that the store security guards treated you like this! Please try not to beat yourself up for it, as its something that commonly happens.

 

[Friday]

Oh dear god in heaven.

This is a mistake that happens to parents all the time! Especially frazzled parents of toddlers. Not even accounting for PTSD adding an extra blur to things. I literally do not know a single parent who hasn't accidentally taken something from a shop, or their kids have, at least once... And most either nearly have several times, or have several times. It's just part of being a frazzled parent of small children.

99% of the time, either the checker catches it (whether it's in plain sight under your arm, cause that's where you shove things when you need to get both hands on your kid, fast!... Or it's under the cart, or under your now seemingly "pregnant" wee one... Dude. You do not shove maxi pads, cheese puffs, and and a toilet wand under your shirt! Or anything else! OMG. I'm so sorry. // No worries, happens all the time!)... Or you get to the car and realize... I'm still holding this blouse on a hanger? Why am I??? Oh crap! (Run back into the store!)

Ironically, I've had to explain myself to security when returning an accidentally pilfered item more often than leaving it. CCTV always puts things to rights.

 

[jaccat]

I work in retail. I can only speak from my own experiences and from the way my company does things but yes it's very common for people to forget things. And it must have been pretty obvious to them that you weren't intentionally stealing it. In my store, if this had happened the customer would have been asked to pay for the item there and then, and no further action would be taken. The customer would be banned from the store, which sounds terrible, but people get banned all the time for lots of reasons. It's not a major deal. As an example- an elderly guy got banned for causing two accidents in our car park, simply because our boss decided his driving was a risk to other customers.

Obviously I don't know the details of what happened, but three security guards for one customer does sound excessive. It sounds as if they were trying to intimidate you. Don't let it get to you. It sounds to me you were doing well to get through the checkout at all.

And yeah, I've done it too. I remember years ago shopping in Woolworths with my dad, picking up something and then both of us just wandering out of the store without even thinking about it. That was simple absent-mindedness on both our parts.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks for the reassurance and for believing me.

I just feel like it's one of those things that people will always doubt you for. I read a thread from a local board just now where this girl got banned from this store because her friend forgot to pay for a pair of socks - they made out that they were both an organised team together as they'd gone to the checkout together.

I have been banned from all their stores in the country for a year now apparently! Either they were playing hardcore and wanting to intimate and make an example of me, or they genuinely believed I didn't pay for it on purpose. Maybe I was acting odd on cctv, I dunno - probably because I was dissociating after I left the checkouts because that part is a complete blank for me.

@Jane.l this week's session was basically a back and forth argument of how I felt her organisation seem to have their own set of rules, and her telling me it's not really something she can promise to take off the table, but that she'll speak to my psychiatrist about it 1st (he's the team leader and even he didn't want to report it so I'm super-confused still). I then rang her up afterward to say that I was quitting, not wasting one more session getting upset about this and ignoring the relevant problems in my life right now. I told her not to bother phone me again but she kept calling so I took her call yesterday and she asked me to leave next Tuesday's session open, that she still has to clarify it and maybe she'll be able to take my word on it that there's no immediate risk to another right now - which is funny because our initial disagreement was over her wanting to report it 'because it's a crime' not because another child may be at risk. Honestly, how can I guarantee my abusers won't ever hurt another child? I don't associate with them at this point in my life. I know it may seem selfish not to report it for this reason, but they would know it came from me and I have no evidence on them so it's a lose-lose situation for me imo... Anyway, I left the session open because I need some support right now, but I'm not that hopeful that it will be of any.

 

[ihateusernames]

This really does happen all-the-time. I have seen it happen while working, while shopping, I know other parents it has happened to, and sooner or later it's probably going to happen to me. If the store is reacting that way, good riddance. Don't ever go back.

 

[Peach]

As an American, my knee jerk reaction to this is - time to find a lawyer and file a lawsuit. LOL!

They clearly went waaaay overboard. PTSD or no, detaining a woman in a closed off room with 3 guards (and I'm assuming they were all men) and acting like they're Secret Service instead of the rent-a-cops they are is enough to make anyone feel anything from afraid to ticked off and every thing in between.

Sorry you had to deal with that, but you did nothing wrong here.

 

[Casey_03]

@GWhizz Don't feel bad because of the guards or beat yourself up over how they treated you -- security guards treat literally everyone that way, it's their job to act like jerks and more often than not they probably get off on it. Also, I'm willing to bet (based on my own experience) that you have taken their behavior personally (anyone would). But try to realize that a) they have probably already forgotten about the incident and b) probably were just delighting in the opportunity to catch a 'shoplifter' and be able to finally play the role of an actual police officer. So if you are replaying the incident in your head over and over and beating yourself up over it, stop. also, if you are anything like me, you have probably subconsciously magnified their negativity and are completely focused on that, but i'm willing to bet that part of that is just from your own anxiety -- anxiety makes us obsess over anything negative and even minor incidents turn into catastrophes in our minds. these security guards probably don't even think anything bad about you, so don't let yourself start thinking bad things about yourself. and if anyone thinks less of you for forgetting to pay, they have their own problems to sort out.

 

[Jane.l]

@GWhizz hope you are feeling better about things today. Your T sounds very unsure of what she is doing, confidentiality is such a massive deal in therapy, it sounds like it may get sorted but I wonder if you will ever able to truly trust her, as if this isn't all hard enough !!!! :banghead:

 

[Sammyiam]

@GWhizz

If you were meaning to do it, it wouldn't have had Such an effect on you, and you wouldnt be so upset. We have all done stupid things when our kids were young and they are screaming and you are stressed. It just goes to show we are human and we all make mistakes. People who say they don't are just telling porkies.

Take care of yourself.
Sammy