Feels like I am an abusive monster

[wicked juggalo]

i feel like i have more abusive tendencies than my mom probably does

i display less love to her than she does to me.

any moment now i feel like i am going to lash out and swear and belittle her.

and honestly, i cant even remember anything bad she’s done to me, but i am still antagonizing her?

i mean i KNOW there’s something wrong and abhorrent that she did that makes me feel scared of her and gave me c-ptsd but i feel like a monster, i dont even feel remorse when i have those tendencies to verbally abuse her anymore. i remember the conversion therapy and her unaccepting & transphobia, but it feels all too normal and like all these violent intrusive thoughts are coming up from nowhere.

i don’t remember any verbal or psychological abuse from her at all. besides that i am transgender, she doesn’t accept me and tried to convert me, and this is normal.

 

[Sideways]

i cant even remember anything bad she’s done to me

This statement sits very uncomfortably with the next one:

i am transgender, she doesn’t accept me and tried to convert me

Is it possible that you aren’t okay with her attitude towards your identity?

Separately (or maybe not…):

any moment now i feel like i am going to lash out and swear and belittle her.

Is this the kind of thing you feel when she does something in particular? Or is it more at the point of even her presence is like nails on a chalkboard?

Sounds like it falls within the ‘arousal’ symptoms of ptsd - if that helps. Which would potentially mean that generally emptying out your stress cup may go a long way to toning this rage down for you.

Do you live with her? If so, is moving out something you could plan towards and give more priority to? And if not, perhaps seeing her a little less, and considering where your boundaries currently are with her, and whether they may need to move out a little further while you work through this…?

 

[wicked juggalo]

sorry for the unclearness, it’s sort of weird- i know that conversion therapy happened but i barely remember anything about what happened there.
its more just her presence makes me want to lash out

 

[arfie]

hello juggalo. welcome to the forum.

"projection" is one of my more important topics in my own anger management. in my own anger issues, projection is where i refuse to look at my root anger and project that anger at whatever target is readily available. the people i live with are always convenient targets. i also random target allot where i take my anger out at whatever bystander who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

when i catch myself projecting when i still haven't identified the root cause, i begin anger channeling through vigorous exercise and/or playing live music. listening to music is far too passive for anger channeling. i gotta play/sing the music, myself, for effective channeling. as i channel, the root anger typically surfaces, sometimes in one big enlightenment, sometimes in bits and pieces.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you sort you own case. welcome to the forum. vent freely. vent often.

 

[DarkVixen]

The fact you are questioning your own behavior shows you're not a monster. A monster would never ever question themselves. Your own identity is precious and your mother's rejection of that identity can be very deeply felt even if she thinks she's not doing that. Even if you think she's not doing that. Who you are is the most important part of being human and I truly hope your mother accepts you for you and that anger you are feeling can finally be validated with her acknowleding the harm that it has done to you. What's right in one world may not be right in another. Women fought to be legally called persons and at one time no one questioned that they weren't and no one thought they were monsters but I bet the women who were deeply hurt by it might have questioned if they were monsters for the rage they felt. One day What's wrong in your world will be acknowledged in those that didn't see you for who you are. A person.

 

[Friday]

and honestly, i cant even remember anything bad she’s done to me, but i am still antagonizing her?

Being sent to/for Conversion “therapy” is such a betrayal of trust/care.

It’s banned in 22 states plus DC, there’s a bill in congress proposing to ban it at the federal level (as it is condemned by supervising bodies of psychiatry & medicine, as well as every human rights organisation on the planet), those same organizations stripping accreditation/licensure from anyone caught practicing it (most “practitioners” of conversion “therapy” have no actual accreditation or license to lose, as they’re not actual therapists, psychologists, social workers, or psychiatrists, nor even 30-90day accredited chemical dependency counsellors … but simply whackadoodle nut jobs… who DGAF at the psychological, mental, and emotional wreckage (suicide, substance abuse, acquisition of various trauma & stressor disorders) their so called “therapy” (often better characterized as banned under the Geneva convention prohibiting torture) produces.

Even if she’s the most lovely & loving mother in the world? Just not too bright, or far too trusting? Being sent to one of these human rights violation shit shows by someone who is supposed to love and protect you… is shattering. I’m so very sorry she did this to you.

don’t remember any verbal or psychological abuse from her at all. besides that i am transgender, she doesn’t accept me and tried to convert me, and this is normal.

Potentially heartbreaking.

EITHER of these two things would rate feelings of hurt, betrayal, rage, sadness, etc.

Good on you for your self control, and recognising that ACTUALLY hurting the people we love is abusive & so, Cha, don’t do that… but no damn wonder you feel like lashing out, and with PTSD, struggle for that self control.