Feels Like I'm Waging A War

[Bananie]

Soooooooooo. I quit another job. Oops.
Whaaaat is WRONG with me.

 

[ladee]

You know what, it really is OK..... I wish I had been more like you when I was younger. Instead of going to jobs I absolutely hated, or was really too overwhelming for me... I just kept trudging thru.... can't say I learned a thing from those jobs.... too busy hating being there.....

Do you mind sharing why you quit? You will find another job.... sooner or later you are going to land in one that you like and look forward to.... don't beat yourself up..... what's done is done... onward..... gentle hugs to you !!

 

[Bananie]

I checked out of there awhile ago, but was still making myself go, cause "it's not right to just quit, I have responsibilities, nobody likes work, etc" but, last sunday, I made myself sick so I could leave early ( I was sick, gallbladder issues, but I'm kinda used to them at this point and can normally control it, but I was like, screw it, imma just throw up, on camera, since they want to watch us all the time and we can't leave the office), and I made myself go for two overnights this week, that SUCKED, and then I called in, and just couldn't make myself go back when I woke up today. Feeling sick, actually. I at least texted my boss I was just not going to go. I guess I'm used to feeling like a disappointment, so, whatever. I meet with new therapist and case manager tomorrow, maybe they'll have some ideas

 

[ladee]

Really hope your new T and case manager can help you with this, among all the other things...I don't know that i would go so far as to say you are a 'disappointment',that's old language that does not apply to the new life you are working toward..some of us hate to work... I do... I did it...I had to, only one job I truly truly loved and just got too old for the amount of physical challenges it brought.... I am retired and still have to work part time or I don't eat... I grouse and frown all the way there,then put on a phony happy face and before long I am ok and glad I am there.... you'll find your 'job' Bananie......

Wishing you success with new T and hope you start to make progress so you will see how awesome you are....I don't live inside your head, but I always look forward to your posts... in so many ways you remind me of a younger version of me.... If I can get down this long hard road, so can you !!!! Supporting you and listening.

 

[Bananie]

On the way (super early) to see new t. Kinda like when you take the car in for a knock, and when you get there, there is no knock, now that I'm on the way, though I've been crying for days, now I'm not. Then again, maybe I'm more numb than anything. Again, thought i could type some things out, kill time, but, be in in my own head sucks. So its better to just have the music on and stare out the window. New t can't do anything about current "crisis", so I'm going just to be like, hey, everything is in chaos right now, and she'll say, ok, get over it, see ya in two weeks. At least that's how therapy has been. I know everything is my fault, so, so I need to be told?

 

[ladee]

@Bananie :stop::stop::stop::stop::stop::stop:, everything is NOT your fault... such a blanket statement from such a smart woman.... so, for all the trauma in my life, I will just start blaming YOU instead of them or me..... Where were you when I was in the trenches trying to get better... I could have said IT'S BANANIE'S FAULT.. I can go now... when she shows up, talk to HER... not me...

You stop that nonsense of self blaming.... and share what went on with your T today.... and behave !!!:inlove::inlove::inlove::inlove::inlove::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Bananie]

Thanks, as always, @ladee <3 <3 <3
I meant that everything that's wrong with me/that I do wrong/that happens cause I do stupid things is my fault, not EVERYthing that happens. Smart ass. :)
I'm so BLANK right now. "I'm not afraid things won't get better, but it feels like this has gone on forever."
Of COURSE that's the lyric that comes to mind. I quoted another lyric in that song early on in therapy, and my old t picked up on it right away. Turns out we liked the same band that everyone has heard of but no one really knows, lol (Toad the Wet Sprocket).
New T asked what I'd worked on with old T. I said, that HURT. It ended abruptly, and so , in my mind, it never happened, and we're just starting fresh. I admit, I appreciated the response, "wow, that WAS abrupt, I didn't know that's what had happened. I'm sorry."
It was weird even just going back to the clinic, and while sitting in the waiting room, knowing that it wasn't going to be my old T calling my name. For one, he was one of the few people I let call me by my full name.
A friend insists I had a crush on him. Maybe I did. But I never like, wanted to sleep with him (I asked myself if I did one time, and the first image that came to mind was Lumberg from Office Space). I don't even know if I'd want to be friends with him. I just really liked the therapy relationship. And that was from the start.
My jury is still out on new t.
Aw man, Pink Floyd has been on as I have been typing, and just as I paused after that, to think about new T, "hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way" came on. I threw it out there in an early session, and he got it right away. Then it was another "us" thing. HA, JUST as I was typing US, US and Them came on, and said US as I was typing.
I'm not actually feeling sad as I'm typing this. I don't feel much of anything, really. I don't think I could right now. Well, specifically right now, cause of a substance. But in general....well, no in general I've been sad. Or blank. Out of it. Scattered. Substance isn't really doing much of anything. Well, no, it brought me up a little? Temporarily, for sure. Or that could've been the company. I got to spend an evening with my love. He doesn't love me like that, and that's ok. I just like to spend time with him. Oh, actually, substance may be making me not be as mad that he totally bailed on me this evening. Oh, that was last night, and now, it's Thursday. I've been up since Tuesday morning. And I thought I was done with overnights. lol.
way better when they're on your own accord.
Hmmmm. Is web design still a valid schooling option? Was it ever? I think it had to be, duh. Anyway, I've been thinking of going back to school, but for WHAT? Also, I need to have my own business. I'm just not good at following other people's rules. I don't give people authority over me. Maybe I'll check out web design.
I know why my love's breath is always horrid now. I'm having the same problem.
I've almost texted that to him a bunch of times in the past hour since I realized it. Hour? I have no concept of time, so I dunno when it was. But I won't text him. He has to be the next one to text. Cause he's an ass.
He actually said to me once "I treat you worse than any of them." Talking about how women just always want him. He's also said "I can usually think of you as one of the guys...until you tell a story."
Still, I adore him.
I'm sitting here listening to the sounds above. Dbag got home from a two week trip last night. And there was drama almost immediately. I jokingly texted my friend saying I could send my love up to him if dbag hadn't come home. Dbag happened to grab his phone and read that text, and texted back "don't push other men on my husband." then my friend later texted and said, you might want to disappear tomorrow, he plans to speak his mind to you. I said, about what? Response: that I'm not supposed to have an opinion about their relationship. I'm like, oh let him. I'm allowed to have an opinion about ANYthing. So I Was kinda waiting for that today, but it didn't happen. What did happen is I finally got over myself and went to return my key to the taxi place, because I thought they were holding my check til they got it since it wasn't deposited yesterday like it should have been. Turns out they weren't holding it, so.....fuuuuuuu. Where is it? I have a bad feeling it was taken for school loans, like my tax refund. I've been wrong before, so, fingers crossed..
I wonder if I could sleep now.
Oh, I actually started that sounds section for a reason. They're going away again on Saturday! Huzzah!
Oh good, the random (?) "you're the worst. You're pointless. Stop typing. None of this matters. You're so stupid" moments are here Love those. Paralyzing self loathing.
But, I got OVER all this before! Well, wait. You've said the heart attack was like a rebirth. Also, that you may possibly be in your teens again almost. I was basing that on like, as a teenager, RENT changed my life. This time around, it was Hamilton. Though, I'm not sure it was indeed as life changing as RENT. Maybe I don't know anything I'm talking about That's probably it. No that is all hogwash. The musicals.
I just don't know why I am taking things so seriously now, and I don't.... want to type anymore.
No, I don't want to think. That's it. Thinking has stopped. But so has feeling. And you're repeating yourself....
Maybe i'm parallel universe Bananie.....
Does it matter?

 

[ladee]

All I know for sure is, YOU matter... you don't have to believe me... but I know these things.... scary huh!!
Sending lots of cyber hugs so they don't make your skin crawl and make you feel yucky !!!

 

[Bananie]

Ok. Typing typing to pass the bus ride. Technically, not even the ride yet. Still waiting to leave the transit center.
Just left case managers. So pointless.
I'm depressed, jobless, need to find housing....
"So what are you going to do?"
"Find a new job or go back to old one, even though my energy and mindset are not there."
"Can I email you next week to check up?"
"Fine."
Not that I wanted a big deal made out of it.... Or maybe i did?.... but I just told you I've been up since Tuesday on a binge....
Also, i think im now hallucinating Spanish music. It's always on at the house, like, I think dbag specifically left it on for over 24 hours, even when they all went to bed, just to mess with me. But today, i heard it on the bus there, the neighborhood across the street from the office, I heard it in the office, but my case manager didn't, and then on the bus away from the office to the transit center.
Then i tripped over my own feet as i was leaving.
Overall, i doubt I presented a put together package today.
But further comfirmation, i think. Well, know. That, only i can fix my mess, and i just have to get over myself and do it.
On my way home to finally relax. Well... as much relaxed as I can be there. I'm always waiting to be spoken to by dbag. I hate confrontation.
I decided to not set an alarm for tomorrow, and let fate decide whether I wake up in time to go meet with my old boss.
Or maybe the answer will come in a dream.

 

[Bananie]

I woke up 29 minutes before I was supposed to be there. No way to get there in time, but also, I thought I would sleep later. I guess I actually had already made my decision by not setting an alarm. I don't really want to go back.
I'm sitting here waiting for dbag to leave again. The waaaaaaaiting is the hardest part.
Last night I went out for a cig. My cat did not come out the door with me. She was on the bed when I left. When I got back in, it took me a few minutes to realize she wasn't on the bed. Since I didn't see her while I was walking through, or in my space, I looked around more downstairs. Then I went upstairs and asked if they'd seen her, they said they had not. I went outside with the treat bag and started calling and shaking the bag. Luckily, she was in the garage. With the door closed. My thought is that dbag is somehow involved, but, I guess I can never be sure.
I get frozen down here when there is so much activity upstairs. Well, any time, really.
I keep blaming them. The real test will be, can I focus when they're gone? During their last trip I was working, and using that as my excuse to not concentrate on fixing things. So now, this trip, I'll have neither excuse. Will I find out that it's really me? Will I overcome me? Stay tuned. Cause ideas have finally flowed in, answering some pleas to my guides, will I make those answers real? Right now I'm trying to even just summarize them, and there's just so much noise from upstairs, and my normal deer in the headlights feeling. Like one of em is just gonna pop through the curtain at any time.
I'm not even DOING anything bad, dbag just always makes me think I am.
ah, here I am blaming again.
To be out of here instead of them would mean showering, which would mean wading through the crowd anyway.

 

[Bananie]

Yesterday I actually thought "wow, I feel like me again." And "whew, I'm out of the dark, that was inky this time, damn."
Today....
Well. Tomorrow is another day, right?

 

[Bananie]

Well. What a ...week? I dunno. What a life. Lol.
I went down for awhile. When I went in on Tuesday, I actually told the new therapist, yeah, I'm having a really hard time shutting up the voice that keeps saying "just die". That while, I never have been able to go through with any attempt at anything, I was definitely thinking about dying, and how I could facilitate that. She said she understood, and she knows that life sucks sometimes and she allows herself to think that, and then, she gets the f*ck over it.
She babbled on some more, told me to do one thing. She journals for ten minutes every day, she knows that's one thing that just has to be done. So, since I hate the sun, and haven't been drawing, I need to go sit in the sun and doodle.
She stopped talking finally, and said, I'm getting a really blank look from you, where's your head at?
I said, it's out the door, I'm leaving.
We were not nearly cool enough for her to throw that at me already.
So I left, and I spent two days really trying to convince myself to die. Scared a few people. Almost was going to go to a hospital, but, finally went to a friend's house instead. I'm feeling better, and I made an appointment with a therapist I've actually seen a couple of different times in the past, but didn't get to work with.
I really want to find my Jack Donaghy!