Feels Like I'm Waging A War

[ladee]

Hows the new job going Bananie ???

 

[Bananie]

Hope things got better after your strange day, @ladee !
Lol, started that yesterday, then just.... didn't post or write anything else.
New job.....is goin. Thanks for asking. It's telemarketing, so.... that says it all lol. But I don't hate it as much as the taxi place, and no one is stalking me, so, I'll stick here til I find something else. They're already cutting hours though, so I'll definitely have to find something if I ever want to move and have a car. Road test tomorrow morning.

 

[Bananie]

It took 6 years, but I finally got my license!!!!!
And I want to call or email old T to tell him

 

[ladee]

Yaaay Bananie.... yes, email and tell him..... a huge accomplishment....

 

[Bananie]

I did it!

 

[ladee]

1,000 likes for you Brave Bananie !!!!!! I knew you could do it... whew, another fear faced !!!

 

[Bananie]

It's funny, I know he can't write back, so I wasn't expecting a reply, but I guess I still was, so, I'm a little down to not hear back. But I'm kinda just down in general. I'm supposed to go to see u2 next week. It got too expensive for the trip, I'm barely scrapin by, and I've been feeling super shitty lately, mentally, and physically, so, I just messaged my friends to cancel. It works out, one didn't have a ticket, so she can have mine and they can go have fun. They're upset now, but, it'll be for the best.
I'm sobbing on the bus, but, whatever. I'm a loser who can't handle money, I don't deserve to go. People shouldn't like me so much, I suck. Omg they keep messaging! Stop!

 

[Bananie]

Ok Bananie. Take a step back, and a breath in, let it out now, put your chin up, you can do it tiger, you a woman now, and in your dream it's time to do the best you can now.
Left work early last night and called in today, I don't feel well. I feel fevery. and just generally not well. Is it something? Is it "ascension symptoms"? Could the cinder block that fell on me have caused more than just a cut, did that cut get infected? Are you pregnant? Is it heart? Is it medication? Is it psychosomatic?
I saw something on tumblr yesterday.... how csa and trauma shape the brain, pushing it into always being in survival mode. I'm sure I've heard that before, but it finally clicked last night. I've actually even said "why am I always just getting by instead of getting ahead?" I don't know how to get ahead. I can keep saying, oh it doesn't matter that my dad did sick things to me, and I think offered me to other people, and gambled and my parents fought and my mom always yelled and hit me and spent money and we lost our house and etc etc etc cause that was the past and other people have had it worse. Well, I had it pretty bad. Not acknowledging it doesn't make it better. I'm not feeling sorry for myself by admitting it. It doesn't give me an excuse. I can still overcome it. I just haven't been doing that right. Ah but see there, Bananie, be a little nicer to yourself. You've done what you can. Maybe not all you can.... but, you've done enough. Well, maybe not enough.
OK. You can't be perfect, no one can.
Fever: Anger, burning up
Nausea: fear, rejecting an idea or experience.
Headache: self criticism, not wanting to accept what's going on
Hip pain: fear of going forward in major decisions
Lower back pain: financial woes and concerns
I am angry and burning up at a LOT of things. Mostly me. Not holding jobs. Not being a good friend. Not doing anything. I suck.
Oh, and even if I went to a dr, what sucks is, my normal body temp is lower than 98.6, so if I'm at 98.6, that's actually a fever, but try telling a dr that.
Ask and ya shall receive, eh? But I had to stop and listen. Well. Ok, I had to ASK first, then listen when I was receiving. I've stuck myself in distract mode lately. A LOT has happened in a short period of time, and I am in an upheaval right now. Other people have told me that, but I've just been like, nah. This is nothing.
So what do I DOoooooooooooooo ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Ugh. I just felt so good, so fun, so ME for a few moments. So much just occurred to me at once. I knew so much. Now I don't remember and I feel awful again.
OK. You're fine. It's fine. Everything is fine.
It IS psychosomatic. You ARE angry. It's not just at yourself, though that has a lot to do with it. You're angry at the cop that shot Philando Castile, at the other cops who've shot other people, at the people who've shot back, at the people who let their anger out like that, because they're not containing it like you do, judgey mcjudgealot. Look where it gets you. You're angry at the people who get angry with you for calling to sell something. You're just trying to make a living. But they're echoing your belief. That's no way to make a living. I'm not cut out to be a salesperson. So, another job change is in order. And that's fine. So, you need to work on that. But, keep your head at this one in the meantime. You can do it. Use your time outside of work more efficiently. Stop distracting yourself. It's ok sometimes, but stop shutting out learning and experience. Rest causes more pain, as you see. And you're getting fat again. Ouch. Ok, sorry for that remark. You don't have to be so hard on yourself. You just don't like how it feels. You like feeling lighter better. So, you sit enough at work stop sitting around when not there. And start yoga again, or stretching somehow. Clean and eat better. Yeah, you're not even good at the surviving part for being stuck in survival mode. No, actually, you are. You get off track sometimes, but, it's ok.
Ah.....metaphysical reason for cysts, unexpressed thoughts and resentments. You do just shove things down in an attempt to make them ok. You try to change your thinking about the thing so it doesn't bother you as much. It's not working, it never has. The cyst is in my right ear. Right side, masculine, ear problems, not wanting to hear, anger, or too much turmoil. Basically all the physical illnesses are related to anger right now. Well, and not moving forward. And men! lmao.
Just saying I"m not angry doesn't make me not angry. Also, knowing an outcome doesn't mean I don't have to put in the work to get to the outcome. Like, knowing peace is the ultimate goal, within and without, doesn't mean that well I know it's peace so I just say I'm peaceful and that's that. I know what I mean, I think. In this moment at least. Just because so far it seems that all men have let me down doesn't mean that all men always will. And not just men. And not that you don't let people down too. So there. Argh. Well ok, so let's just go in this case, since, literally, I'm sick on the right side of my body. Let's start here and go backwards. Men who are annoying me right now, or making me angry, or have and I'm not letting it go. This jerk who keeps scamming me. Why do I keep believing him, why do I keep wanting things I shouldn't, that are costing money. The middle one of the 3 that have a piece of my heart. He ghosted on me. WTF. I know he wasn't mine, but, WTF? I AM MAD AT THAT! The friend I'm living with. and dbag. Bad juju mugumbo there. Old T. WHY DID YOU UP AND LEAVE??????? Number 3 in the 3 that have a piece of me, why keep promising things that won't happen? lol cmon bananie, you know it's MOSTLY old T. Well, no, it's the others. and mostly at yourself. Ah see, I get tired of analyzing. I'm working things out, but I feel the pull of things , just go watch something. Distract. Stop typing stop thinking But how am I to get rid of this cyst? this illness.
I just need to get my own place and I"m afraid thats not gonna happen, but if that's what I fear then that will happen.
Man it sucks being an empath sometimes. I mean, not really. Damn, don't take that away. Um, just that, I need to get better at it. Lol, dork.
Aww, I've had Pink Floyd on for hours, The Division Bell, then part of The Wall, and now Dark Side, and possibly the top "me" floyd song just came on, and, somewhat then by default, one of mine and my old t's songs, cause of the line "hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way" I threw that out in a session really early on, and he picked up on it, and I was like, ok, he's cool then later I told him of that moment, and then later he ended up pulling it out by chance, but changing it to "hanging on in quiet contemplation."
Ok I definitely want a shower, I need to get over the fear of going upstairs and running into people. It's always going to happen, there is ALWAYS someone here. Maybe that's it. I never get true alone time, there is always someone here. That I can hear literally all the time. So.
Basically, I hate home, but don't want to hate it, know I should be grateful, and try to work towards making it better, but still want a different home, cause I don't like to call this place home. And I know to be patient and things will change, but clearly I have been going about being patient the wrong way? Dip your paddle in and join the effort. You can be patient...and just BE....and do things too... do be do be do. Ha. I CAN still laugh. WOW there is literally no peace in this house. If I'm trying to be calm, I just hear yelling, and my paranoia makes me think it's about me, even though I know it's not. Probably not ALL, but, I feel some has to be. ANYway, at any rate, it's YELLING. Who wants to hear yelling all the time? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. No wonder I'm in survival mode. I'm hearing yelling all the time, just like when I was a kid. And it probably wasn't all about me then either, but some may have been, and then some was directed AT me.
Wow, I went out to have a cig, friend came to chat, dbag didn't even let us have a conversation, had to come out and pester. OK. Here's what you're going to DO. Shower. Go to store for garbage bags and a broom. CLEAN your space. Formulate a plan for life. We set goals and desires to control our own fate, and all the pain we experience is a result of our expectations cause it's the river's nature to twist and turn. So just do things and realize, it still may not work out the way you want. But it's kinda more fun to try.

 

[ladee]

So much of what you wrote is SO ME right now. And a real eye opener for me Bananie! Survival mode!! I have been there so long I didn't realize it! That is so on point for me.
And I van never relax with a lot of noise going on,much less telling.
I do get to live alone tho. But have neighbor's that make enough noise to keep me on edge all the time.

Give some thought to what you would really LIKE TO DO.

That's how I fell into being a private caregiver.
I dont have the braincells today to tell you how much we are alike.
But do want to thank you for sharing and helping me realize I am stuck in survival mode.
Gentle hugs to yo:-! You are so worth the work. You really really are. And I Love the way you write.
Hugs, lots of hugs!!

 

[Bananie]

Wow. I just blew my own mind!
A couple of weeks ago...actually, 2 weeks ago today, I called my mom in the afternoon, and she didn't answer. And didn't answer. And didn't answer. And I freaked out. Cause in 2009, I called her, and she didn't answer, and when I finally got to her house after work, she was on the floor,almost dead. She was fine, but, WHEW. I ended up leaving work early that night because even though I knew she was ok, I couldn't bring myself down from that anxiety. Then I thought 'oh no. If I'm reliving my first 33 years in these 3 years since the HA, I would have to relive losing a parent!' :(
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
I dreamt of old t last night. Somehow he was in my childhood home, and I was trying to get my "boyfriend" (in quotes because I don't have one now, and I don't think that even in the dream he was truly a boyfriend. More of a mistake.) to come with me to drive t home. I was trying to make t comfortableish while I was working on the bf, so I guess I'd sent him to my computer in my room, and he called to help me figure it out, and he was on an ancient computer. Like, 80s word processor, and I'm like, dude....you have to be on the laptop.....but then he got mad at that, and was like, no, really I have to go, so I parked him in our old living room, went back to bf, who was in my dad's old room with a bunch of people. They had a person's head going around on a record player, and I freaked out, thinking it was my love's head, but they were like no, it's someone else's, and I was like, ok, then, that's awful, but I'll deal with that later, and tried again to get bf to come with. Returned to living room to find old t petting my cat that died.
Woke up like, whaaaaaa? So I googled dreaming about old therapist. One thing reminded me of the reparenting that sort of happens in therapy, and it clicked. It would stand to reason that I would be in need of a father figure. A straight man who doesn't want to sleep with me, gives advice, and is protective, and shows me how a woman should be treated. Is that what fathers do? I really don't know. Anywho.
My last appointment with old t was on the same date as the last time I saw my dad. (Last year was the year it mirrored the original year exactly.) With dad, I was at my parents for the weekend, left Sunday night to go back to my new home a few hours away. Dad walked me out to my car, and....it felt weird. I didn't know it then, but, in hindsight, I think he knew he was about to die. My mom called the next day and said you better come to the hospital. I got on the road and she called back and said don't go to the hospital, he died. We're still at home. Then I had to roll my dad for his wallet. That still makes me mad that the funeral director or coroner or a cop didn't do it. Anywho.
With T, I went, and it felt weird. In hindsight, I think he knew things were brewing. In further hindsight, I think I knew things were brewing way before he even did. 4 months in, he said "I like my job, I'm not going anywhere!" and all sorts of alarm bells went off in my head. A year and four months in, he went part time at the clinic, and I thought "ah, so it begins" and at 23 months in, it was done. And now I have to laugh, because 23/5 is my life path number (from dan millman's the life you were born to live, is how I discovered it originally, but now realize it's all over numerology, but I like dan.).
Well this was put on hold for alottalotta stretching and breathing. And I feel that that is going to continue, so, bananie out.

 

[Bananie]

Feeling weird. Yesterday I went to see Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees. He was my first crush. I loved the Monkees, I wanted them to adopt me. When I was a kid I listened to them all the time.... including at night, as I was falling asleep.....while horrible things we're being done to me. 5 55 ugh.... left that cause it typed up while I just moved my phone to move my stuff to leave the seat next to me free. I normally like 5s, right now I don't remember what 555 means, but I just where the heart is Sunday at moms, and the main character in that was afraid of 5s. Back to monkees to get to why I'm worried about the 5s right now. Anyway, the Monkees, particularly the first 2 albums, literally held memories in them. So in my adult life, listening to them took me back to the csa from dad. Seeing Mickey Dolenz last night, I thought about it as some particular songs came on, but I didn't feel sad. Well, I did, in a way, but it was a.... I don't even know what kind of sadness. Or what kind of feeling, but....maybe peace...thats one I'm not used to, so itd be unidentifiable. Any way, then after, I actually got his autograph! On my shirt! On my shoulder! Mickey Dolenz touched my right shoulder! Right shoulder being masculine burden. My idol, the first person I wanted to save me, literally, though I think the music itself did. I'm getting behind or ahead of myself. But I'm on a bus, and worried about mom. Cause as we were leaving last night, she was complaining of left shoulder pain. Which my nana did before she died. The day we were going to go to an amusement park but then were going to stay home because she wasn't feeling well, but i was a brat and insisted we go, and then I never saw her again. Well moms not picking up her phone again today. She may just not be home, but again, I'm freaking out.

 

[Bananie]

Ok. She's fine. This time.
I know sometime she won't be.
I guess I should know that when that time is.... its not my fault.