ladee
VIP Member
Believe in it 100percent. Have connections like this all the time..
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Feels Like I'm Waging A War
- Post starter Bananie
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- Post starter
- #26
Bananie
Silver Member
I don't know what to say other than :D:D:D:D:D
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- #27
Bananie
Silver Member
Gave myself permission to call t and ask if the cancelled appointment was my fault. Message says out of the office for 2 weeks. Phew.
Mind at ease, and I didn't even have to admit my fears to him.
Though, probably should next time....
On the way to mom's. Going earlier than usual so I can leave earlier and do errands. I'm sure she'll have something to say about that. It's fine. She should. I'm a horrible daughter. It doesn't matter how she treated/treats me, she loves me and does the best she can. I'm the one needs to be a bigger person and get over it. Wow, i thought I was doing so much better today. That escalated quickly to getting teary eyed on the bus. Don't breathe too deep don't think all day dive into work work drive the other way that drop of hurt that pint of shame goes away just play the game. Time passes, I'll get through this visit like I get through them all and then be on my way. Shit, i was going to at least give her a Mandala for Valentine's. Worthless I am. Not that she wants anything, it woulda been nice to do. f*ck here come the tears again. I really can't show up crying to her house, she'll yell at me. Tell me to think of kids with cancer to not feel sorry for myself. You need the check she's giving you. If you pulled yourself together and got a better job and managed your money you wouldn't be trapping yourself with her. Well, no, you'd still go. You'd feel less bad about going. No it would still suck to go. It's ok, you can admit it. Everyone else does. You're mom is nuts. And she abused and abuses you. Other people would have no contact. You're ok bananie. Ok so why for saying that make me cry more. f*ck. Oh well, whatever. Show up. Cry if you happen to cry. And if she says go I don't want you here like that, you got your get out of jail card. But try to hold it together for her. Or at least stop crying on the bus, holy chicken nuggets.
Mind at ease, and I didn't even have to admit my fears to him.
Though, probably should next time....
On the way to mom's. Going earlier than usual so I can leave earlier and do errands. I'm sure she'll have something to say about that. It's fine. She should. I'm a horrible daughter. It doesn't matter how she treated/treats me, she loves me and does the best she can. I'm the one needs to be a bigger person and get over it. Wow, i thought I was doing so much better today. That escalated quickly to getting teary eyed on the bus. Don't breathe too deep don't think all day dive into work work drive the other way that drop of hurt that pint of shame goes away just play the game. Time passes, I'll get through this visit like I get through them all and then be on my way. Shit, i was going to at least give her a Mandala for Valentine's. Worthless I am. Not that she wants anything, it woulda been nice to do. f*ck here come the tears again. I really can't show up crying to her house, she'll yell at me. Tell me to think of kids with cancer to not feel sorry for myself. You need the check she's giving you. If you pulled yourself together and got a better job and managed your money you wouldn't be trapping yourself with her. Well, no, you'd still go. You'd feel less bad about going. No it would still suck to go. It's ok, you can admit it. Everyone else does. You're mom is nuts. And she abused and abuses you. Other people would have no contact. You're ok bananie. Ok so why for saying that make me cry more. f*ck. Oh well, whatever. Show up. Cry if you happen to cry. And if she says go I don't want you here like that, you got your get out of jail card. But try to hold it together for her. Or at least stop crying on the bus, holy chicken nuggets.
- Post starter
- #28
Bananie
Silver Member
Omg I just peed my pants. Wtf bananie. I was almost to mom's. What 36 yo does that???
- Post starter
- #29
Bananie
Silver Member
Got to mom's to find she had fallen in the night. Her arm looks terrible. Had yocsend pic to aunt and sister. Since i don't drive my aunt has to come get her to take her to urgent care. I fail as a daughter. I'm not here enough, i should be nicer. And she needs to be in assisted living even if she refuses. Even if she annoys me I don't want to see mom hurt. She actually didn't mind that I was crying since I was crying over her. Still told me not to. Bestie says maybe we both belong in assisted living. Ugh. Just ugh. With a side of ugh.
ladee
VIP Member
@Bananie ..have you taken and deep breaths since you got up this morning?
If not....try doing that now. Get yourself some water..and breathe.
I am a caregiver for elders..people can fall with you standing right beside them. I reached to get a towel and down J went.
Thank God she wasn't hurt and I got more upset than she did.
So take that off your Bad Daughter list. Especially if she refuses outside help or going to assisted living. I have been in this business for over 25 years.
Breathe.
Gentle hugs.
If not....try doing that now. Get yourself some water..and breathe.
I am a caregiver for elders..people can fall with you standing right beside them. I reached to get a towel and down J went.
Thank God she wasn't hurt and I got more upset than she did.
So take that off your Bad Daughter list. Especially if she refuses outside help or going to assisted living. I have been in this business for over 25 years.
Breathe.
Gentle hugs.
- Post starter
- #31
Bananie
Silver Member
Lol @ladee , add bad daughter back on cause I was just rubbing my chest and she asked why are you rubbing your chest?? I said cause you give me chest pains! Maybe I'll guilt her into assisted living lol.
It's a role reversal, I've seen her through an open heart surgery, and I used to ask her all the time why she was rubbing her chest. Now I'm the one who's died from a heart attack, and she asks me.
Ok, aunt here. Thanks @ladee
It's a role reversal, I've seen her through an open heart surgery, and I used to ask her all the time why she was rubbing her chest. Now I'm the one who's died from a heart attack, and she asks me.
Ok, aunt here. Thanks @ladee
- Post starter
- #32
Bananie
Silver Member
Asked someone the other day "I wonder if Hamilton could be considered a coping mechanism?"
It's amazing. I can't stop listening, and even if I'm not listening, it's playing in my head anyway. A musical hasn't impacted me like this since RENT, which made me change my life. I heard it in high school, and decided that was how I wanted my life to be. And I did it. And now I'm at a point where I need to make some more changes, and along comes another musical.
Breakin-just texted to my sister "*I* can't even imagine, and I've been doing it!" How detached AM I from my life, jeez.
It's occurred to me many times over that the heart attack was a rebirth.
And I might be throwing it away....
Or...I'm just trying to make this foundation stronger than the one I had when I was born, and eventually inner age will match outer age. Maybe the weird detachment lately was a transition to teenage years, if I'm paralleling my first birth. A new musical has come along to shape me.
But for now, this me has to get ready for work.
It's amazing. I can't stop listening, and even if I'm not listening, it's playing in my head anyway. A musical hasn't impacted me like this since RENT, which made me change my life. I heard it in high school, and decided that was how I wanted my life to be. And I did it. And now I'm at a point where I need to make some more changes, and along comes another musical.
Breakin-just texted to my sister "*I* can't even imagine, and I've been doing it!" How detached AM I from my life, jeez.
It's occurred to me many times over that the heart attack was a rebirth.
And I might be throwing it away....
Or...I'm just trying to make this foundation stronger than the one I had when I was born, and eventually inner age will match outer age. Maybe the weird detachment lately was a transition to teenage years, if I'm paralleling my first birth. A new musical has come along to shape me.
But for now, this me has to get ready for work.
- Post starter
- #33
Bananie
Silver Member
I'm not standing still, I am lying in wait.
I could be doing more while waiting for time to go to the healing circle though....
did a silly quiz earlier "what one word describes you?"
It came up Angel.
The OA, original angel, her nde made me say, yeah, that's what it was like. In the beyond.
I chose to come back
But did I? Come back, that is.
Is this real?
Am I still asleep, in the hospital?
Did I actually die for reals?
Lol, well, even if I did, feels real enough, I guess. Still have eviction looming, I am worried about my physical health, crappy things have happened, and continue to happen, but really good real things happen too. I told people yesterday I felt real cause I got to drive. To have a day of going to work and running some errands without having to schedule hours around everything.
Today is the day I really need to actually talk TO my roommate about the situation instead of talking about. Hopefully it is still the psychological distress causing the physical feelings, can my body hold out til I get it checked out. I get the feeling, yes. Im ok. That was not the feeling the day of the heart attack. That was a definite oh this is bad. This is, this is annoying, but i have theories, and I just have to shine it on a little bit longer.
I know, to trust my own true mind, and to say, there's a way through this.
Oh holy chicken nuggets
the body DOES keep the score. I get it now.
do i? thought i did. "I get maybe a minute after savasana that's like, ahhhhhhh, and then, sccchhhlllooop, everything tenses up again" "you have to keep telling your body it's ok"
but also listen...doesen't your body tell you when it's not?
aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhh
i'm always the snake chasing my tail.
HAHAHAHA. How can I tell myself it's ok when I barely remember to breathe?
well then start there.
Just breathe
That would be enough
I could be doing more while waiting for time to go to the healing circle though....
did a silly quiz earlier "what one word describes you?"
It came up Angel.
The OA, original angel, her nde made me say, yeah, that's what it was like. In the beyond.
I chose to come back
But did I? Come back, that is.
Is this real?
Am I still asleep, in the hospital?
Did I actually die for reals?
Lol, well, even if I did, feels real enough, I guess. Still have eviction looming, I am worried about my physical health, crappy things have happened, and continue to happen, but really good real things happen too. I told people yesterday I felt real cause I got to drive. To have a day of going to work and running some errands without having to schedule hours around everything.
Today is the day I really need to actually talk TO my roommate about the situation instead of talking about. Hopefully it is still the psychological distress causing the physical feelings, can my body hold out til I get it checked out. I get the feeling, yes. Im ok. That was not the feeling the day of the heart attack. That was a definite oh this is bad. This is, this is annoying, but i have theories, and I just have to shine it on a little bit longer.
I know, to trust my own true mind, and to say, there's a way through this.
Oh holy chicken nuggets
the body DOES keep the score. I get it now.
do i? thought i did. "I get maybe a minute after savasana that's like, ahhhhhhh, and then, sccchhhlllooop, everything tenses up again" "you have to keep telling your body it's ok"
but also listen...doesen't your body tell you when it's not?
aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhh
i'm always the snake chasing my tail.
HAHAHAHA. How can I tell myself it's ok when I barely remember to breathe?
well then start there.
Just breathe
That would be enough
- Post starter
- #34
Bananie
Silver Member
Mediumship circle, not healing, but still healing.
Got more confirmation that I am sensitive. A medium.
My guides are gentle, and they're protecting me, with a bright silver, delicate...shawl, I want to say. Though I don't think that's how the medium who told me that put it. He said armored. For what's ahead. I said, oh boy.
Another one couldn't remember my name, but what came was "beautiful one"
awwwww.
And the other one said bright red tomatoes lol
I guess we'll see what pops up from them, lol
Before starting, I decided to pick up a few crystals. I just walked past the bins, first one that popped out to me was a chrysocolla ajoite shattuckite. Which is supposed to help in healing childhood wounds, particularly if there is a blockage with dealing with them.
Then I spotted a green sardonyx, which is supposed to be a courage stone, and for help with self discipline.
I was just going to get those 2, then I saw a blue goldstone, which reminded me of how the OA portrayed a NDE. That is supposed to help with connection to other realms.
"Funny" how those are what drew me in, and all seem to be exactly what I need right now.
Got more confirmation that I am sensitive. A medium.
My guides are gentle, and they're protecting me, with a bright silver, delicate...shawl, I want to say. Though I don't think that's how the medium who told me that put it. He said armored. For what's ahead. I said, oh boy.
Another one couldn't remember my name, but what came was "beautiful one"
awwwww.
And the other one said bright red tomatoes lol
I guess we'll see what pops up from them, lol
Before starting, I decided to pick up a few crystals. I just walked past the bins, first one that popped out to me was a chrysocolla ajoite shattuckite. Which is supposed to help in healing childhood wounds, particularly if there is a blockage with dealing with them.
Then I spotted a green sardonyx, which is supposed to be a courage stone, and for help with self discipline.
I was just going to get those 2, then I saw a blue goldstone, which reminded me of how the OA portrayed a NDE. That is supposed to help with connection to other realms.
"Funny" how those are what drew me in, and all seem to be exactly what I need right now.
- Post starter
- #35
Bananie
Silver Member
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Still so scattered, but at least a somewhat more productive scattered. Well, no. Not really.
Ok. Which part refuses to focus?
LMAO if only parts therapy was explained in song form, then I could understand it better.
Then of course my next thought. Sigh. I'll just have to do *that* myself too. Would anyone else even need it presented in song form? OH well the intent is out there, if it's meant to be, it'll come to form.
OMG "Therapy: The Musical"
Crap, that's 2 I have to write now. Better get on top of that.
Still so scattered, but at least a somewhat more productive scattered. Well, no. Not really.
Ok. Which part refuses to focus?
LMAO if only parts therapy was explained in song form, then I could understand it better.
Then of course my next thought. Sigh. I'll just have to do *that* myself too. Would anyone else even need it presented in song form? OH well the intent is out there, if it's meant to be, it'll come to form.
OMG "Therapy: The Musical"
Crap, that's 2 I have to write now. Better get on top of that.
- Post starter
- #36
Bananie
Silver Member
Woke up with physical symptoms today, yay. Major pelvic pain. I keep meaning to have it checked out physically, but made and didn't go to 3 gyno appts, so they discharged me from the practice. I did finally make an appointment with a new primary doctor, so I'll ask her recommendation. I am almost positive it's psychosomatic, but don't keep up on routine health care either, so, yeah.This pain comes and goes. I'm trying to connect to the part "causing" it. Mostly just saying, I believe you little bananie, but I also can't really deal with this right now, we will talk about it next week with t. hopefully. I fear that appointment being cancelled too. But trying not to put that energy out there....
still keep not talking to roomie. like, at all, not just about moving. that's not fair to him, and I don't like it either, but I keep freezing, even when I'm like, I'm going to talk, i'm going to talk.
yay for the mediumship/meditation/healing circle today.
Just keep laying a strong enough foundation bananie, you're doing great.
parts parts parts....
I said "I just don't feel like me. and I don't know why."
still wondering...
did a part take over? is a part hiding. I can't pinpoint what feels different. I'm more serious, in general, now, it seems. though I don't think others would say that.
I'm pretty sure I caused a rift between two parts awhile ago. Namely, my sense of humor, Private Joker, and little me. so that would make sense....
I've been feeling super young lately, yet don't think I could say that I'm "connected to my inner child"
but I wouldn't even if I did feel connected cause that sounds so stupid.
The feeling young is weird to me. OH. Maybe that's the not feeling like myself. holy chicken nuggets. If I didn't feel young when I was young, but now I'm revisiting being young...I feel young, and that feels weird.
ok, either my brain doesn't work at all, or is on overdrive, argh!
I can't even keep up with myself.
!!!!!!!
i know i'm setting the pace... though.....
still keep not talking to roomie. like, at all, not just about moving. that's not fair to him, and I don't like it either, but I keep freezing, even when I'm like, I'm going to talk, i'm going to talk.
yay for the mediumship/meditation/healing circle today.
Just keep laying a strong enough foundation bananie, you're doing great.
parts parts parts....
I said "I just don't feel like me. and I don't know why."
still wondering...
did a part take over? is a part hiding. I can't pinpoint what feels different. I'm more serious, in general, now, it seems. though I don't think others would say that.
I'm pretty sure I caused a rift between two parts awhile ago. Namely, my sense of humor, Private Joker, and little me. so that would make sense....
I've been feeling super young lately, yet don't think I could say that I'm "connected to my inner child"
but I wouldn't even if I did feel connected cause that sounds so stupid.
The feeling young is weird to me. OH. Maybe that's the not feeling like myself. holy chicken nuggets. If I didn't feel young when I was young, but now I'm revisiting being young...I feel young, and that feels weird.
ok, either my brain doesn't work at all, or is on overdrive, argh!
I can't even keep up with myself.
!!!!!!!
i know i'm setting the pace... though.....
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