Feels Like I'm Waging A War

[Bananie]

I finally have internet. Praise the internet gods.
Moreso, praise my old roomie, who brought my modem over. I don't do anything important online. Or offline, really. I'm just not important. But I still prefer having it, over not.
I work the overnight in 10 and a half hours. I wasn't planning on being up now, but a new washer and dryer were delivered today. I wonder if I'll be able to use them. Funny, I told my (now former) t, well, the positives of moving in are they have better internet, and I'll be living like 50 feet from the laundry, so I won't have to take my clothes to the laundromat anymore.
Yeah. Neither of those turned out to be true.
T did call, yesterday. When I saw the number, I made the decision to ignore the call, so I'd have a vm. But I wish I had spoken one last time. That's really just a no win sitch anyway. It feels more personal now. He is just going to a different clinic in the same city. But he transferred me to a therapist in the old clinic. Why can't I just switch clinics? Also, no reply to, or reference to my email It's also making me feel like, screw it. Imma just cut EVERYone out of my life. Sit in my cave room drawing, and go to work. That's really being bratty, I know. Throwing babies out with bathwater. I can't have the therapist I Want, so screw everything else good in my life, I've never deserved them anyway. Why do they stick around when the people I want to stick around don't? Boo hoo, poor me, people like me.
Also, what a dumb problem. Boo hoo. I can't have the therapist I Want. Well, some people don't have the food they want, or need. Some people don't have the home they need, or want.
I may as well go run the errands I was gonna run today. Maybe nap later? Maybe I can fall back asleep now? This overnight thing is weird. And I thought I'd be getting more hours, but I haven't, so I'm basically making the same as the old job I left.
Still, no crazy coworkers....I'm alone, mostly, but the one night I do work with someone, she's really firkin cool.
I can't stop crying. So silly, but, losing t is kinda up there with losing the 3 guys that ended up with a piece of my heart. BUT, I'm still in contact with all of them, so this is worse. And that's part of why I don't even want to go to the new T, because, my main pain now is this, and she knew him, so I don't want to be like, yeah, my last t just really effed me up, cause, she knows exactly who I mean. And probably wouldn't, but could possibly tell him? Or will judge me, for feeling like that about him.
I miss my old roomie, too.
Damn, even if I did some of it to myself, well, most of it to myself, I've had a lot of "loss" recently.
Stupid platitudes keep coming in, and I'm too mad to let them sink. "Clear out the old for the new" "you can't always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need" "keep ripping apart the atmosphere, the change is what keeps us alive"
Also, appt with cardiologist tomorrow at 8. can't forget. Get out of overnight, go to dr. Hey, there's another positive. I was mad that that appointment was at 8am. Now it's perfect timing

 

[Bananie]

I hate me. I hate me so much and it makes me hate everything else. Why can't I just stay in a job? I liked this job, I thought, and it's ok, it actually really is, other than one boss who is a really dick head. I haven't had one "conversation" with him that hasn't left me crying. Because I try so goddamn hard and he's so nitpicky and i was warned and people are nitpicky so I shouldn't get so worked up. Babbling this on the bus, just left. Crying. He was there this week because of how I left last week. And gave me a hard time. I dont like to get told things over and over. Ugh. I'm just gonna shut up. I thought writing this would help but I was wrong

 

[ladee]

The man I work for is nitpicky too Bananie.... and it upsets me every single time he tells me or reminds me of things that I already KNOW.... this past Fri... I was almost in tears...

But hating you is not going to help.... do your best to come up with some coping strategies that will help you... most of the time I don't let him get to me.. I was feeling vulnerable after sharing some painful stuff in my diary... so it bothered me more than usual.... it's nothing you did.... come up with a plan on how to handle him.... and practice it with him every time he gets stupid....


You are going to be ok... maybe just a rough day in general... ya know it's pretty hard to go to work and put up with crap from people when things are not ok with us that day.... hope you feel better after some good sleep.... it's not you.... but you do have to deal with it by practicing not taking it personal.... sending gentle hugs.... F that old man and the power trip he rode in on..... HUGS..

 

[Bananie]

@ladee already a little better, lol I was thinking earlier, I feel so dull. Nothing has amused me, or placated me tonight. But then, I heard, through the ceiling above me, The Right Stuff, by New Kids on the Block, and I was like, whaaaaat? Are they listening to NKOTB?? I will join them for that!
Then realized, it was a commercial, but then also heard something about Viagara, and thought, wait, Viagara is using The Right Stuff???? The new kids ALLOWED that?? Googled The Right Stuff and Viagara commercial, and found that it's actually Ritz who uses the song, and I just combined commercials. Then thought, actually, Viagara SHOULD use The Right Stuff. Then laughed at it all. And realized, aw, I can still laugh!
Anywho, thanks so much Ladee! I will ttys. And check out your diary :)

 

[Bananie]

is living on pain the thing that's getting to you?
off and on crying all morning .well, afternoon. my morning, i guess. overnights are weird.
started an email to t. just closed it. why bother?
old boss texted, said how are we moving forward?
the hell? i told you a month ago i was done.
i responded, miss you guys too, can't go back. brain is off, wouldn't be much use anyway. thanks for everything shall i mail keys? sorry.
It would be so easy to just go back, wouldn't it?
no. I don't think it would
i kept old coworker on fb just cause i didn't trust her enough to block her. keep enemies closer, right?
i feel SO awful. i know. it's just one of those tough periods, it'll get better "i don't think things won't get better, but it feels like this has gone on forever."
that's not right but i can't think of the right line and i'm too lazt to google can't be bothered or to go back and fix the t instead of y on lazy or add periods where there are none becasue my . key doesn't work .... grrr
it's ok, it's ok, wait, it's alright, it's alright....damnit....no, wait, back to it's ok, it's ok, we've come a long long way...oh that's the music I wanted to rediscover again, the push stars. cool, thanks brain. But i'm also stopping queen right in the middle of don't stop me now....
i'm going slightly mad, i think that's ok.
now that's alright, that's alright.... no ok, that's why, well it's alright, it's alright, i'm just weary to my bones... is that it? if not, still fits..
come on bananie, this is nothing. where's your sense of adventure? You're so boring being all shook up by change.
you've thought you were going crazy millions of times before, it all works out, reasonably well.

 

[ladee]

Did you steal my notebook diary and just change the name??? I have journals that sound just like this... it was a truly painful and crazy time...and like you, I knew it was going to get at least 'different' if not better.... but didn't change the 'crazy' or the duration of it.... keep writing it out.... feel like I want to sign my name to your posts....

 

[Bananie]

I'm tentatively feeling better right now?
Lol.
Thanks so much @ladee. I didnt steal your notebook, but I guess that just goes to show, we're never alone.
Off to work, trying to be excited about well....whatever i can latch on to, I guess. It's a pretty night, being on a different time schedule may create some new neural networks, I have 8 hours alone in an office to read, write, listen to music and watch things, as long as I also get people where they need to go.
Sigh

 

[ladee]

Have a good evening at work Bananie..... I do give you lots of kudos for still looking for something that is beautiful and trying to keep your feet moving...just rough times... and they hurt, and damn it if life just keep goin' on.... makes me so mad sometimes... we so need the covers over our head sometimes, I love the way your mind works and always look forward to your posts... I take them very seriously... and I'll just have to trust you that you didn't steal my notebook.... I could have written that verbatim...

Sending hugs and chocolate.... ;not the Easter crap on sale, the good stuff !!!

 

[Bananie]

Mmmmmm chocolate.....
So lemmeaskyouthis @ladee , since you're in my head, lol, if you were me...would you email old t? I Just wanna say thanks, a very mild "OUCH", and congrats and good luck. And that I'm gonna keep moving forward, like he hoped.
Even though, yeah, for reals, I totally just want to be home with the covers over my head, which omg, always takes me to the monkees "I guess I should have stayed in bed, my pillow wrapped around my head, instead of waking up to find, a nightmare of a different kind."
And the monkees... well, they're a whole nother issue, lmao.

 

[Bananie]

I wonder if I was fired but not told.
Someone just showed up (late) and said the owner asked her to work. I'm still on the schedule, so she left. I texted boss. Nothing back.
Hmmmm.

 

[ladee]

If you feel you need to put closure, then email him... that was messed up no matter how you look at it... do it for your own sake, for taking an action that will help get it out of your head. Have no expectations if at all possible, but you do get to tell him what he did and how he did it was not ok....

And hoping there was a simple scheduling mix up....pretty sure if you were fired you would be told. ahh never mind... the T didn't , so who knows... hope you have an answer by now.... I'll have the kleenex and blanket ready in case you were fired... let me know... Gentle hugs.

 

[Bananie]

I was not fired, I'm not sure whether I'm disappointed or not....
I guess I need a job, and it's not a bad one, so, it's best that i was not.
He still has an hour and 40 minutes, but so far, nothing from the jerk boss.
Still can't wait for 6am!
Have a wonderful day!!