Ah. Nice to sit here with a keyboard and not a phone. I love them both, universe, don't take either of them from me, but, sometimes, typing on keys is easier.
More and more, I feel like I have to explain to the universe my intentions. Which I realize is silly as I type it. Not because I'm talking to the universe, but because I'm trying to explain myself. The universe knows all. And we are all the universe. So we all know all, and I'm just trying to explain myself to myself....
I'm just trying to be super careful. Actions have reactions, and consequences, but then again, I can't tell what they'll be....
I'm not even making sense to myself right now. But that's why I am typing. To get it out of the swirl.
omg one thing I remembered that I realized, well, it seems dumb now, but, it's not? I watched Samadhi last night, and that helped. I've been feeling weird lately cause I .... I don't know what to do, like, career wise, house wise, anything wise. And then feeling bad because I gave up thinking about it. Or that, Im being better with letting thoughts go unjudged. Ah, but saying I'm doing that better means I am not, cause I admitted to it? There is no self to improve....
Hey, my pic is gone. Probably those changes that have been happening.
Wow I have messed my keyboard up. Shake ashes and dust in the keys.
I would love to talk to my old t about this. meet new one tuesday.
that's one of those consequences/actions wait...reverse those? whatever. I know it wasn't personal, he got a new job, but, on universal level, it feels like a lesson to me (well everything is a lesson), but, that I manifested what was in my mind, I was afraid to lose him, I was afraid to open up, but just as I was about to, I did lose him. Ah, which was a theme in my first major heartbreak. The one that really got me, that changed me forever. He said I was too closed off. BUT HE STAYED! we lived together, we still talk. I've actually never really been abandoned like T abandoned me. OUCH.
And I KNOW it's fine, and don't force things and blah blah blah, but it still sucks.
Meh, anywho. What else what else.
I think I'm lonely, particularly for male company, but I have no idea how to converse with ANYone these days. I spend a lot of time alone. I also feel perpetually loopy. Also, I just don't know how to small talk anymore. Or can't be bothered. I don't know Whatever. I know I have... good qualities. People adore me. Oh, it just hit me. Maybe I don't know. Another mask I'm shedding? Well, whatever. fa fa fa faaa fa fa fa fa fa fa. Sorry psycho killer came on. I'm also making better choices in the man department. No more random hookups. I don't want just the physical connection, much as I want that. Once I finally had a real love, and real connection, they were never the same anyway. In a hey I was presented this situation in my life YET again, and I made a better choice example, a guy called for a taxi to a gentleman's club, got there, then called back and said these girls suck, where are you? And tried to get me to go to his hotel when I got out of work, and I was like, yeah no, thanks. I'm good on that. Once upon a time, I woulda gone. I told the cute guy at the cafe this morning about it, and hes like guys are such animals....you do have a cute voice though.... and I was like, yeah, but as I told him, you hear this, then I show up and it's like fuuuuuuuuuu...... and he said, aw, come on now.
OH WOW something just clicked. So, I used to drink and do drugs mostly to forget myself. but I always always always was present. Anyway, now just suddenly changing everything almost everything in your life, but I think mostly the schedule change, has made me forget myself. Well, it's helped. I'm not totally gone. Before dbag left, I texted my friend the song "tomorrow" as in the sun'll come out when the dark cloud is gone tomorrow lol. He came down the next day after they were gone and said, and my song to that is "I'm Free" from Tommy, and I'm like, YES! So the line "I could tell you what it takes to feel the highest high, you'd laugh and say nothing's that simple" It IS simple. But...difficult, at the same time. Or hard to sustain, even though, really, life is simple. In its complexity.
I dunno what I'm gonna do til I shower for work, but it's not this anymore right now.
