"So you don't like the way your life's been going. You stand before me, with defeat. In your silver studded costume that got rained on. I can't console you, i don't know how."
Those push stars lyrics have been stuck in my head. For years, really, but, lately, again.
It's embarrassing and annoying and stupid, but I STILL MISS OLD T. I have for 8 months, it ebbs and flows, but mostly flows.
I like my current t! She's great, really. As a person. And I guess as a therapist? I mean, probably for other people. I just.... Don't feel like we're accomplishing anything? I just go every other week and spews out what's been happening and she pretty much agrees with me on everything, and then I go. And thats probably my fault, because at the beginning when she said what brings you here? I said, well, i just want to be in therapy. A lot goes on, and when i first got to get it was right after old t just up and left and i had just moved and just left 2 jobs in a row and was frantic and while I'd never do it to myself, reaaaalllllly wanting to just die. I guess I'm not quite that acute now.... But don't want to just not go. I want to go back to old t. Which seems even more impossible than it did before. Now my schedule is not conducive to his new clinic, and I'm reluctant to contact him about his private practice that he has on his website. When i emailed before about that I didn't get an email back, i got the call that he was leaving the clinic, going to a new one, and was referring me to someone at the clinic i was already going to. So I figured that was reply enough. Don't follow me. See ya. I listen to that vm more often than I care to admit. And I don't want to mention how much I miss him or how much it still hurts to current t, because it seems disrespectful to her. Not that that should matter, I know. But it's cause I appreciate her. I know i should tell her i want more structure. But really, I want to try emdr again, and she doesn't do it, and i just don't want to start with someone else. And then I think well, a friend, well, everyone thought I had a crush on old t. I don't think I do. I don't want to be with him. I don't think I would even want him as a friend (possibly if we'd met another way, but there's no turning that back), I just want to work with him again. Sigh.
I just.... i can't even figure out for myself what's going on with me these days. Stressful stuff, sure, but that's at least not as pressing as it has been. Still not feeling the relief i thought i would with the new place. New t the other day said "well yeah! Youre in recovery! You have ptsd from this!" And it just seemed so....Casual. i dunno. But anyway, I started this at work cause I didn't have my pens with me to color, but now I'm home and have them at my disposal, so I'm gonna do that instead of write, even though i suspect part of what's going on right now is that I'm disengaged in life. Just being surfacey, and that I'll have to be more active with myself.... analyze more? Think more? Though I was always told I overthink, so maybe I'm just finally doing that and I'm just not used to it. At any rate, I'm gonna draw.
