Feels Like I'm Waging A War

[Bananie]

Just ocurred, want to remember. I used to be a think for myselfer, but these days if im not being told what to do, i just exist.

 

[Bananie]

Last week I finally gave myself permission to email old t and say I am not moving forward how I'd like, and asking if we could work together again. He has not replied, and i think i expected that, but i also think that just by letting myself e-mail, i put him behind me. After a few days i did a search foe therapists for dissociation in my area, emailed the one that seems on paper to be a good choice, and i have an appointment tonight after work. I'm nervous, but also looking forward to it. One thing im nervous about is that this new one has the same last name as old t. I don't think there's a relatuon, but like, if there is, how weird would it look that i contacted the new one when i couldn't work with the old one anymore? Maybe this one won't even ask for the name of the former.
I'm also not sure how to explain why I'm there and what i want. I have trouble even pinning that down for myself. I guess i know at least that i want to say that i feel like i have enough natural awesomeness that i should do well in life, but i always seem to keep myself struggling. Especially lately.
And there is a whole firkin day of work to get through first. Sigh.

 

[ladee]

Good to hear you are trying to get a running start again.... and about the name, you'll know if you like this new T , and not because of the name... so try not to worry about that... wishing you great luck, and let us know what happened.... and if this is the one....hugs

 

[Bananie]

Well i don't hate him, so, that's a plus lol
So now, I want to check with my insurance and see if i can see two people, or, just stop with current t. I thought about it after i saw her on saturday that without consciously doing it, i may have prepped her for my flight by telling her that i have a tendency to just cut people. But she deserves more than that...

 

[Bananie]

Uuuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhh
I am not cut out for this life thing.

 

[ladee]

Ohhh pbftttttt @Bananie, you are too !!! you don't get to bail... there is work to be done.... and you can most certainly do it... the rest of us struggle along... maybe coming here more often would help.. if nothing else to read what is going on with others....

Like I said PBFFFTTTTT on that last post... come on girl, show me what ya got.... gentle hugs..

 

[Bananie]

Thanks @ladee . I know, I know. I know it's all ok. Well. Parts of me do, perhaps. And other parts are warring with those parts to say no, it's not.
Oh, lol. Still appropriate that my diary is name feels like I'm waging a war! Lmao!
Hugs back, thanks

 

[ladee]

No, it's not ok, or you wouldn't be struggling... it's ok for it not to be ok,,,, and when it's not ok, we can share what is going on... and give our self a chance to be validated. And to be encouraged, and possibly a suggestion would be made that you can try.... I miss you being here Bananie....
But can't hold you down and make you type..... just saying, as always, I care what is going on with you.... and miss not seeing you here more often.... just know we are here when you get the urge to communicate. Sending you gentle hugs for the 'not ok' times you are having... you really aren't alone.... and it is a war..... and you are still alive and fighting in your own way... and that matters, because YOU matter !!!

Lots of hugs !!!

 

[Bananie]

How did a day that started off ok go downhill so fast? I woke up early, like i have been, and that's ok, i wasn't mad about that. I was actually kinda dancing and singing in the shower and was like, oh good! Fun annie is back! Got to work, wasn't looking forward to it, as usual, but i was determined to stay because it was a short day, and I've made it all week, and I need perfect attendance to get points back. Then all of a sudden my mood shifted, i was trying to control it, though I'm not sure how i was, and then i just left. I didn't tell anyone, just walked out. I did call the callin line and report an early departure, and i think ill email my supervisor, since she'll be there before me on Tuesday when we go back. Oh wait, she's off on tuesday. Well, whatever. I'll email her.
One thing maybe that factored in...
This morning on the way to work.... Or, at some point.... I dunno, this morning, i said to myself ... I dunno, how to evem phrase it, but, a part of me? Said "I'm new"
And lile, ive thought I've tapked to parts before so i said and who are you? And the reply was, your worst nightmare. And i thought, well that's a bit dramatic.....
I dunno if that even matters. Nothing matters, really, right. But. I'm now home. I have a lot to do. I haven't done anything for christmas. So i should start now. I have more time, cause i f*cking left work like the fu k up i am. But i have no desire to do anything. Including keep typing, right now. Maybe later.

 

[ladee]

Sending you lots of hugs @Bananie , because I can.... and because you are not a f*ck up... not going to hand out all kinds of feedback, just going to tell you, that for some reason, you are one of my favorites here... I hear your struggles.. I really hear you... and sometimes that's what we need to hear.... lots of hugs to you.... you are not a f*ck up...

 

[Bananie]

Ramble ramble
Gotta make it thru the whole day at work today. Left early again yesterday. Meh. Whatever.
Ok, yesterday the new part(?) Said "i know how i failed to take you down before." "Oh? How's that?" "Take away your hope, all beliefs, any thing you liked....hey, you're not gonna get me monologuing like a bad super villian."
I just want my chill back.

 

[ladee]

Then TAKE it back !! love ya.