We all can look back on the life we have lived thus far and say there are things we wish we could/would have done but didn't. That is called regret, and it usually doesn't amount to much. I could easily look back on the 22 years I have lived and lament that I was not a straight A student in high school, a star athlete, a prodigy, or any of the other things my dad has never forgiven me for not being, and become morose about how it will follow me the rest of my life. Really, that's just my father's voice in my head. Meriwether Lewis, the other half of the Lewis and Clark expeditions, wrote in his journal on his birthday that he spent in the Rocky Mountains in the middle of the enterprise that he felt like he had done little to further his country. The man pivotal in arguably one of the most important expeditions in American history, and even he lamented that he had not done enough with his life. I know it sounds cliche and I know you have probably heard this before, but if your happieness depends on your external enviornment, you will never be happy. There will always be something to be unhappy about. I cannot say that I symapthize with the desire for children of my own, but I do volunteer work all the time with children in the community. I do things like read to them in low income clinics, assist with teaching at a school for homeless children, work as a tutor, etc. I personally would recommend you look into something like volunteer work if you are searching for meaning in your life. I have volunteered an average of 100 hours per year since I started college and it has become a part of my very identity. When I hear a parent tell me there child went from an F to a B- in a class because of my tutoring services, I can know for certain that I made a positive difference in the life of that child. Nothing lifts your spirits more than walking into a classroom and a bunch of ESL children jump up and say "Yay! 'Lia's here!"
I know it is frustrating when you work so hard for so long on healing and there are still roadblocks that never seem to go away. Stop and take a moment to look over your shoulder. When I take a long hard look at where I was a mere three years ago, it seriously is like I am examining the life of an entirely different person. That is not a metaphor. Take a moment to consider the progress you have made, and think also of ways you can create meaning to your suffering. You have the ability to understand those who have experienced trauma in a way that is not possible for many people. Perhaps you could spend some time volunteering with domestic violence prevention? Or maybe a homeless shelter?
You have made progress, now emphasize it by demonstrating it to others and showing them how they can acheive it as well. We are all on a journey. Woe is the person who believes they have acheived enough in their life. They will miss out on so much, and they have so much they need to learn.
