Justmehere
Sponsor
Trauma therapists say I keep getting into trauma reenactments. Maybe.
I volunteered to lead a team. There's a local chapter and a state chapter. The local director, B, appointed me to run a local team and the state director appointed me to run a statewide team. I only serve in this volunteer role upon appointment. The state director gave me an award for my leadership at the local and state level. Everything was going very well. The people I volunteered with were great, no concerns. For years. B is normally very amazing to work with on a regular basis.
Then the damn award...
Days after the award, the local director, B, started being weird. They started doing things that they can do, but also undermined the team and the work that just got an award. It was really strange. They actually did some pretty eff-ed up things. It suddenly became a really toxic place and the local director tried to triangulate a lot of shit. I held boundaries as best as I could. It devolved into a volunteer and the director screaming at me and my leaving as to not be screamed at, then being insulted for leaving. Who the hell would want to volunteer in that environment?
Nothing like this has ever happened before with this organization.
I requested a meeting with B and the board member. They agreed. I have volunteered for years and never seen a red flag and now it's a flood of them. The state office has NO control over the local office. It's kind of a weird organization in how it's organized, but the only one that can do what it does... I don't want to be involved anymore with the toxicity and crap being thrown at me since the award. It will be very strange to lead in the statewide role and not at the local level. I'm considering walking away from it all, and I have sort of a two-year commitment on my end - but again the local or state director can replace me or cancel the effort at any time. Everyone says they do not wish to do this but what the eff? I'm not here to be abused as a volunteer.
Tomorrow, I have a meeting with B and the board member. I'm struggling with the balance of doing whatever they want, because they are the director, and being clear about what I need to continue to volunteer, and to stick up for my work as valuable. PTSD symptoms are starting to show through since the screaming at me started. I am very depressed. I built a team, a project, and now since getting an award all hell broke loose and I do not understand what the hell is going on... and now I have this meeting and I have to try to somehow think I am of worth --- and also be willing to be ok with walking away from it all. I'm not ok with that. At all. I worked really hard. No one has expressed a complaint about that work. The screaming was about a project I am not even involved in. (Yep, made it extra weird.)
I'm falling apart and any thoughts on how to go in and face a screwed-up mess and find the right balance of respecting their choices and sticking up for myself and my work... and yet not letting myself get dragged into a jealously driven shit show...
I don't walk away well when people start tearing me down. I try too often to fix it or do whatever people what to make it ok --- all nonsense. I can't fix what others do. I can't make it ok. They are being jerks. I'm having symptoms. Maybe it's just over. Maybe not.
I volunteered to lead a team. There's a local chapter and a state chapter. The local director, B, appointed me to run a local team and the state director appointed me to run a statewide team. I only serve in this volunteer role upon appointment. The state director gave me an award for my leadership at the local and state level. Everything was going very well. The people I volunteered with were great, no concerns. For years. B is normally very amazing to work with on a regular basis.
Then the damn award...
Days after the award, the local director, B, started being weird. They started doing things that they can do, but also undermined the team and the work that just got an award. It was really strange. They actually did some pretty eff-ed up things. It suddenly became a really toxic place and the local director tried to triangulate a lot of shit. I held boundaries as best as I could. It devolved into a volunteer and the director screaming at me and my leaving as to not be screamed at, then being insulted for leaving. Who the hell would want to volunteer in that environment?
Nothing like this has ever happened before with this organization.
I requested a meeting with B and the board member. They agreed. I have volunteered for years and never seen a red flag and now it's a flood of them. The state office has NO control over the local office. It's kind of a weird organization in how it's organized, but the only one that can do what it does... I don't want to be involved anymore with the toxicity and crap being thrown at me since the award. It will be very strange to lead in the statewide role and not at the local level. I'm considering walking away from it all, and I have sort of a two-year commitment on my end - but again the local or state director can replace me or cancel the effort at any time. Everyone says they do not wish to do this but what the eff? I'm not here to be abused as a volunteer.
Tomorrow, I have a meeting with B and the board member. I'm struggling with the balance of doing whatever they want, because they are the director, and being clear about what I need to continue to volunteer, and to stick up for my work as valuable. PTSD symptoms are starting to show through since the screaming at me started. I am very depressed. I built a team, a project, and now since getting an award all hell broke loose and I do not understand what the hell is going on... and now I have this meeting and I have to try to somehow think I am of worth --- and also be willing to be ok with walking away from it all. I'm not ok with that. At all. I worked really hard. No one has expressed a complaint about that work. The screaming was about a project I am not even involved in. (Yep, made it extra weird.)
I'm falling apart and any thoughts on how to go in and face a screwed-up mess and find the right balance of respecting their choices and sticking up for myself and my work... and yet not letting myself get dragged into a jealously driven shit show...
I don't walk away well when people start tearing me down. I try too often to fix it or do whatever people what to make it ok --- all nonsense. I can't fix what others do. I can't make it ok. They are being jerks. I'm having symptoms. Maybe it's just over. Maybe not.