Bananie
Silver Member
This morning, a friend posted a picture of her son covered in stickers. It was adorable, but something about the stickers pushed the door to the past open a little. I acknowledged the queasy feeling, but tried to push it away and go about my morning. Then I saw a video of a kid who makes stuffed animals for sick kids, and I got so touched by the video that I got a little teary. Which I immediately pushed away. But in the pushing it away, I realized, no, it's ok to be sensitive and feel compassion. Then a clear memory of being 10, being in a trip to Ohio with my parents, and going to see Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, and crying through the whole thing, and my mother making fun of me for that, and all the other times she essentially made me stuff my feelings, or feel bad for having them. That, I've thought about before, but next, out of the blue, came a dad memory from that same trip, that before always stopped at a certain point, but this time continued and was crystal clear. And I gagged a lot, and cried a lot. When the crying stopped, I just felt... still stuck in the past, and frantic, yet numb, and tired and mad and sad, and just.... UGH. With a side of ugh. I really wanted to call my t, but we've never discussed contact outside of sessions, and I'm not going to hurt myself or anything, i just wanted to get this specific memory out (I've never really been detailed with him, and this time I just want to get it out, right now, not hold on to it anymore), so I was like, make yourself shower. Go run the errands. And I did, going through the motions, still partly in the past, or in another part of me, I dunno. I got on the bus, and was in my own head, but I tuned into some guys talking music, and then I heard Pink Floyd, and I was like, sorry to butt in, but I heard Pink Floyd, and I happen to be wearing my PF hoodie, and they were like, get out! So we started talking about music.
I've been coloring mandalas, and then writing song lyrics on the back, and giving them to people or leaving them places, and I just finished a batch today, so I had some on me, and I gave one to each of them, and they loved them. And that occupied my mind, and got me out of the past, and feeling a little better.
As much as I enjoy this mandala project of mine, I have to fight the inner critic every step of the way, telling me it's stupid to just color, that's not art, nobody wants your stupid mandalas, people will think you're crazy. But I've persisted, and not only do people enjoy them, I think being so focused on the details, and also immersing myself in the positive messages I'm trying to spread have definitely helped to add a little order to the chaos that is my mind.
I've been coloring mandalas, and then writing song lyrics on the back, and giving them to people or leaving them places, and I just finished a batch today, so I had some on me, and I gave one to each of them, and they loved them. And that occupied my mind, and got me out of the past, and feeling a little better.
As much as I enjoy this mandala project of mine, I have to fight the inner critic every step of the way, telling me it's stupid to just color, that's not art, nobody wants your stupid mandalas, people will think you're crazy. But I've persisted, and not only do people enjoy them, I think being so focused on the details, and also immersing myself in the positive messages I'm trying to spread have definitely helped to add a little order to the chaos that is my mind.
