Sexual Assault Has anyone ever confronted their past abuser?

[hodge]

I remember later that night trying to go to sleep on my bed, where he was when the police got him. Ugh.

Sometimes I wonder how I'm still alive.

And then sometimes I wonder why I still keep remembering this crap.

 

[bento]

@hodge - I am so sorry you had to go through that. Thank god your family was there and police
came and got him.

 

[ineedtoheal]

If so, generally speaking, what did you say and what happened? Did it help bring you closure?

A family member literally went straight to his grave, i believe due to a 'guilty conscience' for what he had done over so many years, to quite a few family members. Due to my age and what took place, i think i am grateful that no confrontation took place.
Later & when older, another abuser turned up at my work when i was pregnant with my first child, i remember going into shock, a sense of terror & feeling violently sick while just trying to act normal and pretend like nothing had happened. When i got home, i was shaking and overwhelmed with disgust, i remember feeling frightened & panicked that he had somehow found a way to infiltrate my life, for quite a few weeks later, i became a nervous wreck when leaving work, checking the street to see if he was lurking nearby. It had been by that stage over 10 years since i had seen him, of which i had buried very deep injuries, humiliation, shame with the sexual abuse. However it was the start of understanding why i had at times been promiscuous & probably slightly self destructive. The birth of my first child and family life, helped me to forget, but then this predator turned up again at my next job, the feeling was intense and overwhelming - and whereas the first time i had still felt powerless against him, this second time maybe due to motherly instinct, and the fact that it felt like he was stalking me (making numerous trips to try and convince me to have a coffee with him) & that my work colleagues were questioning who he was due to his odd/strange behaviour (referring to him as creepy and sinister) i became enraged. I contacted his friend & left a message on his answering service telling him that his mate, 'was no friend at all, that he was actually a very sick & evil man who had serious problems' and that the message was for him to tell his friend to leave me alone or i would report him. I did not hear anything more from either of them, until i began to advocate and speak out about domestic violence and then i saw both of them following on social media under fake profiles - one of them, i asked why they were using a 'fake name' to which they tried to say they had no idea what i was talking about - if the photos weren't of them, then all i can tell you is that there was something in those faces that reminded me of one of my perpetrators and this time it brought terrible trauma back. I think the realisation of how much abuse actually happens within a life, how the patterns repeat, and how we seem to be a magnet to attract the narcissists & the evil back into our lives. I can tell you that it was enough to put me back into therapy, how i then started to have night terrors again, body shaking, intense flashbacks, paranoia of being hurt again, thinking that everyone was the enemy & horrendous pain! A pain that you question can't be a physical thing because it is not being inflicted at that moment of time, but an incredible, deeply routed pain that has been trapped & hidden remarkably well, somewhere in the body & the mind for a very long time - horrible, horrible stuff, only now you can't deny it anymore and it just won't seem to go away. I have come to understand that from disclosure to acceptance takes a long time and is in itself a remarkable journey of resilience, endurance & the holding on of faith.
My last abuser, i had to confront last year in court, after he had again terrorised and traumatised us with his abuse and violent behaviour, before entering for the hearing, we were called to the bar to verify our presence to the Judge, after i had confirmed the need to continue proceedings and was walking out of the chambers, my perpetrator was called in to do the same and we literally nearly collided with each other - after so many years of trying to just keep it together, walking on eggshells, being frightened, living on my nerves, i felt this incredible anger well up inside me, I saw everything he had done to myself and the children & had to fight the feeling to want to do the same back, if a policeman had been beside me i think i would have probably reached for his gun! Abuse murders a soul. It is a crime, a violation, the disease they inflict with intention to destroy a life

 

[Effie]

I had frequent confrontations with him. No one was scarier than my father and I wasn't mature. I had a wounded pride and it was easier to face that, than to feel like a victim. I always was a crazy kid. I once tied off to a bridge and jumped off it when I was nine and earned myself a bloody concussion. I was never sensible. I couldn't back down and he was thoroughly amused. It was a really unhealthy dynamic.

Typically he would ask when our next date was, I'd respond with what I'd rather do than see him. Insert one of his comments about how much I had liked him, when we were making out. Of course, leaving out the part where he assaulted me after. But I'd constantly insult him and press his buttons because I wanted people to see who he really was. I wanted him to explode and see what kind of person he really was. I didn't want them to think he was a nice guy. I knew he comes off as charming and friendly. He was an attractive guy who was good with people. He didn't do what he did because he couldn't get laid. He did it because he liked hurting people.

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry for what you went through, @Effie.

 

[hodge]

A family member literally went straight to his grave, i believe due to a 'guilty conscience' for what he had done...

I am so sorry for what you've been through. Healing is a hard road, but it's the only road we have. :hug:

 

[Effie]

I'm so sorry for what you went through, @Effie.

I'm sorry you went through more that and had more than one abuser to confront.

I'd like to offer support like you are here, but there's so many stories. Anything I say in response feels trite.

 

[13ReasonsWhyNot]

I’d like to confront mine. I used to want to know why, but it’s not like he’d have a good answer. Now I want to know what I did to make him hate me so much as to bully and humiliate me for months, rape me, then bully and humiliate me at school for another 7 months. I can’t wrap my head around it. So I didn’t want to be his girlfriend. So what?? I’d love to hear what he had to say about it, but judging by some of these responses it isn’t worth it. Still- our 30th HS reunion is this year. If I go and he is there I don’t think I can remain silent.

 

[Nightangel]

I wrote to one guy on Facebook wanting closure. He read the message but did not reply. It did not bring me closure. I am still conflicted about if I should have turned him in or not. I know I never will now but at the time when he did those bad things to me I never could have imagined they would affect my future relationships with men for years after. I never imagined still being so messed up that even when I know the current bf is a great man I still get flashbacks and can't let him touch me in those ways :(

 

[EveHarrington]

I confronted. He denied. It was worth it because my exile parts know I’ll stand up for them and defend them no matter what.

 

[nowthisisme]

I haven't confronted mine. I run into him every few months. A few months after I began remembering the abuse i ran into him at my children's pre-school, I was walking out with my 5 year old son and 3 year old daughter and he was walking in to pickup his grandson (found out later that his grandson goes to the same school).

I was just mortified, All the memories which i thought were fake became real. It was all true. I immidialty wrapped my jacket around my children and rushed them to the car, I felt the need to hide them from this monster, I didn't want him seeing them. I spent months paranoid when picking up/ dropping off my kids. Then I couldn't handle it anymore and changed schools.

I am constantly looking over my shoulder when I'm at any community event, I try my best to avoid going to any but it's hard to constantly say no to my family.

I'm training myself to confront him, I think it will give me a sense of power. I think i need that. But since I began my healing process i have learned a lot about myself, so I'm not sure I will feel the same in a few months.. I guess time will tell.

 

[lookingfor help]

I wrote to one guy on Facebook wanting closure. He read the message but did not reply. It did not bring me closur...

I’ve always been torn over the idea of confronting. A few months after the incident all I wanted to do was run into him, knowing we were still in the same area and get my answers. “Why me?” was something that haunted me for a while, I was desperate for some closure. When we ended up going our separate ways and he left the city I thought long and hard about confronting him over Facebook. Even had a friend say if I needed her she would help me write out a message to him and say exactly how I felt. I’ve thought about contacting his friends and family, outing him in a status so everyone can see. I think as much as it angers me and at times all I want to do is scream what he did, to get no apology or remorse would hurt the most. To have the people in his life who care about him not believe me would do more harm than good for my recovery. Maybe in a better place I won’t care as much, it will just be a relief to have said, “I know what you did, this is what it’s done to me but I’m not over because of it.” Just shift all that blame onto the person who deserves, let him even get an idea of the kind of hurt he caused, regardless of whether he’s sorry or not. Just to make that his burden to carry now.