Hate, And The Damage It Does

[Sarg]

That's why I'm trying so hard to find a way to help fellow local Veterans, try to turn that bitterness into something constructive. ( I was honored yesterday when one of the Vets in my PTSD group called a couple of times asking for advice!) So far, every avenue I've taken runs smack into the VA. So, I look for something else.

My anxiety soars when I try to do these things, but I keep in mind an old story of the Arizona Apache Nation. A small group of Apache were raising hell down around Tucson and the Army would arrive a day late and a dollar short, the Apache vaporized.

The Army finally decided to drive them out by poisoning all the watering holes in the area. And they waited and waited and nothing happened. History shows the Apache chiefs ordered everyone to drink only that needed to survive. They "acclimated" their bodies to tolerate the poison. Once again they outfoxed the Army. Like the VA the Army won by finding their hiding place and wiped them all out, including women and children.

So, I'm trying to acclimate my psyche to live with the anxiety. Ain't easy, uncomfortable as hell, difficult to concentrate but the beast pushed me around for decades, it's time I try to push back.

Sarg

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

More follow-up,

I did another thread about facing this world without the Dragon. In it I described the things I felt and saw when I stood completely on my own while the Dragon slept. Some of it was terrifying.

For a long time I used my Dragon like a gun, or artillery support or air strike, whatever I needed. In the beginning I was very quick on the trigger. I told myself. "Hell, why not. I earned that Dragon at the risk of my own life. He's mine to use as balance against a brutal world". And, I was right. That brutal bastard served me very well.

But, like artillery and air strikes, that kind of power is dangerous. When sent in the wrong direction innocent people get hurt.

During an episode that took me back to the stinking mountains where my platoon was overrun, I set rage aside, and faced it alone. It took every bit of courage I could gather. I hope I can do it again the next time.

The reward for my courage was tremendous. Hate and rage don't eat at me the way they have for the last forty plus years. I get to keep the Dragon, but have much greater control over him. I'm finding some of the peace that wasn't possible before I stood alone.

I don't consider myself a brave man or a coward. I don't believe in either of those words. We all find courage in our own way. Warriors like all of us are different because we have much more to face. That's why beasts and Dragons are so hard let go.

SD

 

[vikingr12]

Friend from India sent this to me:

Holding onto anger is drinking poison
expecting the other person to die
- Bhuddha

Got me, cold.