Relationship He Blew Me Away This Morning.

[Sephira]

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend lives in Bahrain and had an extremely stressful day there, and was exhausted. He was taking to me on the car ride home and he said to me "I need to be honest. My feelings have changed. I feel numbness, indifference towards you. I'm willing to work on it, but I don't know if my feelings will change. You haven't understood for so long, and now finally you understand about my stress, but it may be too little, too late."

I guess to all you experienced supporters my question is this: How do you tell when your significant other says something like that whether it's PTSD or how he genuinely feels?
In the past when he's stressed and angry, he has said the same thing. He seemed so cold today-I can't tell and now I'm just so sad.

Thanks for helping guys, I really am learning so much!

 

[Sephira]

Just to add, the previous conversation right before this was me discussing boundaries with him and not tolerating abusive behavior. He got a little upset (I could tell from his voice), saying that he is only abusive after I push, then he sprang the above on me. Just wondered if it might be subtle manipulation to sort of get back at me for saying he is abusive sometimes.

 

[sisu]

Hello Sephira,
It sounds like he is being honest with how he feels right now, however in Bahrain I am sure that he needs to feel some numbness in order to stay safe and be able to do his job. He said he is willing to work on it which is great! And you are in a better place now because you do understand his stress and are learning more and more about his PTSD and how it effects him.

Honestly, I would take this as a positive ~ as a new beginning. You know that in any relationship whether PTSD is involved or not, feelings ebb and flow. It's natural and it's human. You are focused on his feelings for you right now which is forcing him to focus on how he feels right now and he told you honestly how he feels. This does not mean he will always feel that way - he has no idea how his feelings can or will change over time. You both just need to leave past hurt in the past and move forward from here.

Take care of yourself, stay positive and keep learning!
~Sisu

 

[Sephira]

Thanks Sisu! The only reason I question whether it is PTSd or not is because this is probably the fifth time in a year that he has said his feelings about me have changed. It's always after he's had a blow up and always out of the blue.

He knows me better than anyone and freely admits that when he's angry, he'll say things on purpose to destabilize and hurt me. He knows exactly how to push my buttons, and that threatening the relationship is the number one thing guaranteed to upset me. He also knows that from past experience (because he's said this before) that I'll scramble to be extra nice and won't make waves.

Since I understand how PTSD works now, I won't be inconsistent and ruin his solace and peace, but I know he doesn't trust me to do that yet, so I'm wondering how much of this is genuine.

 

[amethist]

Hi Sephira

I have read your posts above, and it seems like your walking on eggshells to keep the peace. Sorry to say it wont always work, and him threatening the relationship is way out of order.

He is not being fair to you here, OK so you took a while to learn about PTSD, but so did he and now he is using it against you, another no no in my book.

Once he is back to the person you know you can talk to, maybe set some boundaries that he cannot cross, threatening the relationship because he knows how him saying that effects you is one of them.

If you took PTSD out of your relationship, would you allow him to be like this then, would you scramble to be extra nice just to keep the peace, probably not and why should you.

Be yourself where you can learn all you can and set up the boundaries. If he does not like it, then tough, he should not treat you like this just because he does not agree with what you are saying.

You could always call his bluff, and say, "OK then, if I am that bad, off you go". He may well go there and then, but how long before he comes back apologizing to you.

Possibly a shorter time then you would think. Dont back down though, or again he has a hold on your emotions.

Amethist

 

[sisu]

Part of it may be manipulation and part of it may be PTSD confusion and part of it may just be the physical distance and the stress of his job. He may not even know the answer to this...

Something I have discovered with my guy (he has combat PTSD from military service) is that normally in a relationship trust needs to be the foundation. But with these PTSD guys, a sort of "super trust" is needed because they feel as if they are filled with these demons and if they show these demons to someone it makes them feel vulnerable. (Most men don't like this feeling). It took us several years to sort that out. My guess is he trusts you, but now you need to work toward that "super trust". ;)

 

[BigBear]

To add to Amaythist's reply. Sometimes sufferers temporarily cross lines that they shouldn't because they are stressed. I've got friends without PTSD that do that often enough. They realize and they jump back across the line and are very apologetic. That's true for both PTSD and non-PTSD. The problem is that with PTSD, it can take longer to realize that the line was crossed.

Rule 1 - You can't be of support on egg shells.
Rule 2 - You have to establish the lines. They can't possibly know where they are if you don't.

Bear

PS: Manipulation is one of the ultimate nono's! Don't accept it. They can never have that right.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Sephira, does your boyfriend intend to seek treatment when he returns?

I know that I asked you a while back about it, and I believe that you said it was unavailable to him where and while he is stationed overseas. But when he returns is what I would like to know about. And have you started looking into it for yourself?

I agree with Amethist and big bear. Manipulation is not healthy. And this type of manipulation, control, power play- is simply unfair to you. It is essence a form of emotional abuse. Nicolette (who is great with finding the answers) has posted some wonderful information on emotional abuse. I will see if I can find it for you.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/why-do-supporters-stay-when-abused-by-sufferers.22542/#post-318047[/DLMURL]

You can also try googling different phrases. What is emotional abuse is one that I tried. And I was not surprised to find this in the number one position: Verbal threats- Your partner may threaten to leave the relationship...

 

[Sephira]

The thing I honestly don't know how to deal with is this: He has such a stressful job where he sees and does really traumatic stuff and so it seems like he *never* has downtime. His stress cup is always so so full that even one minor thing can take him over the edge.
It seems he never gets that cooldown time because he's still in the thick of things. He constantly taking in new horrors and seeing and doing things he'd rather not remember. How do I deal with PTSD when he's still deeply involved in and immersed in traumatic experiences regularly?

I get so tired of him threatening the relationship, but there are so few "good times" to talk. The only real time when he goes back to normal is when he has a week vacation, but as for now-talking about this will be a trigger.

Amethist, you were right, btw: I'm starting to sense when I'm getting manipulated and I said "Do you just want to end things then?" And he said Well.. if you want to end without trying. But I'll stay a month and see how it goes."

Thanks for listening guys, was really sad when he said this, seems like no matter how often I hear it I always wonder maybe this is the time he actually means it.

 

[Sephira]

Also Simplekindofgirl, I'm getting therapy for me. As for him, I hope he will go for therapy at home. It depends what day you ask him if he'll go or not :(

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Sephira- Be kind to yourself. Please take care of you.

PTSD is really the kind of thing where, what you have right now, you will be up against them for a very, very, very long time. It is a very long, and very difficult path. I do not want to discourage you, that is not the point I am trying to make. I mean, be prepared by getting into therapy, and do whatever you feel is best for you. Only you know what that means.