General Help!! I Finally Know What Happened And I'm Not Sure How To Deal With It.

[Milo's papa]

Picture a sigh as I think about what to say.

It IS a double standard, I think, and I think I get where...

scout86, most of what you say makes sense and rings true, she is open about almost everything else in our lives. I know that she was afraid and trying to protect me/us, she still has that fear, (only worse now that the book is published). She fears that I will leave her, that she was/is a bad mother, was/is a bad person. I know that there is little I can do to help her with this other than reassure her that it's not true.

I just don't know if her abusers are still there or if they have given up and will leave her alone, This is something that I do not think she would ever tell me, and that makes me sad. How can I protect her if she won't let me?

 

[scout86]

How can I protect her if she won't let me?

That's pretty hard! And, no matter what she's thinking, or that it might be hard, it seems like the two of you ARE a team and the you have a right to this information.

Once upon a time, long, long ago, I was in a complicated but really good relationship. He was the first person to ever suspect I had "a problem" and decide to pursue it. The pursuit went awfully slow. Finally one night he directly asked me a few questions, which, it turned out, I couldn't form words to answer. (We went with "yes or no", head nodding.) I left that night, sure the world was going to end, he was going to hate me, or worse yet, pity me, and nothing good was going to come of it. I was kind of shocked when the sun came up the next day. More shocked when he treated me like he hadn't changed his mind about me at all. It took awhile to accept that that was true, not some kind of trick. It took a few years before I really got to where I was usually pretty sure he wasn't going to hate me for the next weird thing that came up. But, no one had ever loved me for just being me, and it's still pretty hard to believe that's a real possibility. Everyone has their own personal version of this stuff, but it might be a bit more skewed than you realize. (yet)

From a tactical, survival standpoint, it sounds like it might be a good idea to get some kind of feel for what these people are up to now. If they are still alive, for a start. From a practical standpoint, two sets of eyes are pretty much always better than one. Any idea what her therapist's take is on all this? Because I know of a Vietnam vet who spends a lot of time sitting in his garage with his shot gun, watching the property line, waiting for his neighbors to attack. (Which ain't happening!) One of the things I have trouble with myself is deciding if I'm reacting to a threat that is real and present or one that's long gone.

How can I protect her if she won't let me?

The more I think about it...... That's a good question. But, maybe she has a problem with the very idea of you protecting her. Many possible reasons why she might. (Doesn't think she deserves it, for one. Doesn't want to put you at risk and already feels guilty about doing that for another. I'm sure there are more possibilities.) This might be something to talk about. Tell her you feel a responsibility to protect her and are concerned about needing some information to do it well and see where it goes? Be as willing to listen and hear her as you can be. You might learn something and it might help you both. I'm not telling you to try that as much as I am suggesting that you think about it and see if it seems like it might be worth trying.

 

[Milo's papa]

That's pretty hard! And, no matter what she's thinking, or that it might be hard, it seems like the two...

scout86, your points are all valid and give me lots to think about.

One of the biggest problems that we face is that we know some of her abusers are still alive, and they are very powerful people. Her abusers weren't just your average Joe, they were Governments and well known and extremely powerful Internal Organizations. That's what makes the whole thing so scary. We really don't know whether or not they're still keeping tabs on her, Her T doesn't think they are but even he admits he can't say for certain either way.

Her father and her mothers family were so well connected all over the Middle East, Europe, and North America. The things they subjected her to are so mind blowing that anything is possible. That's what scares me the most. She decided to go public in such a big way that even if she did fall off their radar, I'm afraid she may have put the spotlight right back on herself.