Help! I'm Graduating On Friday, But I'm Afraid To Go...

[melody]

I recently completed a course and the graduation is on Friday... I never wanted to go, but my daughters talked me into it. They told me I worked hard and I deserve it, but all I can think about is all the people... I know I'm going to be totally on edge and what makes it worse is I won't be sitting with my family. In fact, once we walk through the front doors, I have to go and get my gown and sit with the hundreds of other students that are graduating.

I thought about taking meds, but my husband says I'm totally spaced out when I take them, and I can't afford not to be alert. All those people... Way too many people... What if someone has a gun? I know that's silly, it's a graduation, but maybe someone that didn't graduate is angry? Most of the girls in my class aren't going because of how poorly they (staff and teachers) treated us during our courses. Oh I don't know...

What if I faint? What if I fall up OR DOWN the stairs? I shake like crazy when I'm having a panic attack and it honestly feels like my head is going to fall off my shoulders if I move the wrong way... I just can't go...
It's been all I can think about ever since I said yes and I'm in such a panic because I'm scared. Scared of being alone in a crowd and something happening.

I need help... Does anyone have any advice? As of today, I don't think I can do it... I haven't told anyone yet, but I just don't think I can do it... Sure I worked hard, but I get the certificate no matter what I do... It will definitely be a trigger, but I'm afraid of letting everyone down, especially myself.

 

[NarcSis]

Keep faith in you. You are a strong person. You are catastrophizing, jumping to conclusions and making predictions about things you cannot possibly know. Your family will be with you, they may be in reality some distance away from you but you ALWAYS carry them with you in your heart, they are with you. You have their strength, their love and their support with you everywhere you go.
How about doing a dry run? Break it down into steps and practice the motions at home where you are comfortable? Sitting, hearing the speeches (usually dry and boring, try not to yawn, :) who knows you may actually laugh. Line up. Walk toward the stage, shake hand, pause for photo op, say thank you, continue and exit stage. Simple. Don't add to it. This is all it really is and its over before you know it.
What about pinning a picture of your family to your clothing? Take strength from them. You are strong. Use positive self talk. You are strong and you CAN do this. There is nothing to fear. Be proud of you, your heart is strong.

If it helps, I am proud of you and I will be there with you in spirit, walking beside you. We all will be.

 

[helena]

It is too important a memory not to go to your graduation. It is a great achievement and one you will treasure.

With or without meds, you need to enjoy this special day because, for once, it is can be all about you without any guilt! Enjoy!

 

[Paloma]

I have missed 2 different graduations because of similar fears. Now I regret it. I deprived not only myself of important memories...but also family who wanted to applaud me. Even when I think about it...I get anxious. But now I have some grounding skills...Medic72's idea about having a picture with you and a dry run are super...that would have helped me do it. Do you have school chums you can go through it with? I find I do better in a crowd if I focus on one or two people I like...who are not freaking out...instead of just seeing a mob.

You are obviously strong and courageous and able to take risks because you have done the course. I hope you are able to beat back your fear and anxiety enough to celebrate. I know a few non-PTSD performers (singers & actors) who go through similar panic attacks before every performance. You are not alone...and everyone here thinks you rock!!:thumbs-up

 

[melody]

You guys are awesome. Your encouraging words have brought tears to my eyes but in a good way. A dry run is a great idea, I did them before each of my exams. I'm not sure why I didn't think of that... But then like you said Medic 72, I'm catastrophizing (I do that really well) and I was having trouble seeing the forest for the trees. :smile: A photo is a good idea too, so that I can look at my family. Maybe I'll get them to write a few mantras on the back...

Now I wish I would have dealt with this weeks ago because I need more time... I'm so incredibly anxious... I want to say I'm going, but I'm still really unsure. It definitely helps knowing that the three of you are rooting for me, but I'm not ready to commit. I will try and do a dry run this afternoon, but going out on short notice tends to make me anxious as well. So we'll see, it might have to be tomorrow...

And Paloma. I'm sorry you struggled with this as well and that you have regrets. I will honestly give it my all knowing how you feel... And if I do manage to work up the courage to go, I will be thinking of you when I throw my cap in the air.

Melody

 

[Manic11]

I just had this same situation! I had a grad to attend and I was terrified the whole time. The idea of having a ton of people in a giant room, can't see everyone at once, everyone's eyes on me on stage, etc.

I agree with everyone else here. This grad is only going to come once and think about all your hard work to get to this point.

One thing that helped me through the ceremony was to keep reminding myself
"I have PTSD. PTSD does not have me"

Good luck, hun!

Manic

 

[NarcSis]

Deep breathing and positive self talk. You can do this. Take something to calm yourself down (half strength) before you do your dry run.

I'm already picturing you throwing your cap in the air! Breathe and smile, you just finished an entire course, that took more courage than a simple grad ceremony. Be proud of you! >>>>BIG SMILE<<<<< >>>>BIG HUG<<<<

 

[Jagged Angel]

Hi! Firstly, congratulations on graduating!

Now, what you can do, is go to the place where you're having the grad ceremony, and walk around the place, get familiar with it. Take your family with you, so they can show you where they will probably be during the ceremony. And if you can, go and sit in one of the seats and get up and practise the walk from the seat to the stage.

I was lucky last year when I graduated that I had been in the hall and given speeches from the stage before, so I was already familiar with the area. I was also lucky that I had been an internal student, and knew most of the people sitting with me. I don't remember much about the day because I was such a mess, but I am very glad I did it.

 

[CaptainR]

Hi Melody,

You've received some great suggestions. If it wasn't already Wednesday evening, I could make a suggestion of a book to get and read, but you probably wouldn't have time to find it.

So, just the gist of one part, and how I find it helpful...

The book is "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. It's very "New Age" which I'm not into, but this was recommended to me by my therapist a couple years ago, and it really made a difference for me, and continues to do so.

Someone pointed out that you are "catastrophizing" and projecting things in the future. That's very true, and I can say that because I am an absolute EXPERT at doing the same thing. The one part of this book that I keep in my mind all the time, is the concept that, "at this exact moment, right now, I am okay". Right now does not include a moment ago, or a moment to come, but only this exact instant, this exact breath... Cannot worry about what is going to happen, can't worry about what has already happened that can't be changed, just concentrate that at this very moment, everything is really okay.

I don't know why, but whenever I feel myself working up to the state of mind you're going through, this concept helps me relax and remember that I really am okay, right now...

If you can get your hands on the book, it will make much more sense than I've made.

Congratulations on your achievement, and good luck!

 

[Paloma]

Hi, Melody!
I love the thought of you throwing your cap in the air...and will enjoy a vicarious thrill when you do it.:wink: Cuz you can do this! Two thoughts that came to mind...can you blow off some adrenaline going for a hike, a run, a swim, some gardening? Big muscle exercise to push the anxiety gremlins out with your sweat! The other idea is to carry a little talisman that you can have in your hand. I have a piece of Connemarra marble from when I lived in Ireland...it's like a worry stone, all smooth and worn. Somehow just rubbing it with my thumb focuses my anxiety on an action and calms me. I can even enjoy a memory of why it is special to me to distract myself.

And don't overwhelm yourself...it's just another day in the life...an extra fun one:kiss:

 

[melody]

I couldn't do the dry run, but I managed to find a virtual tour of the theatre so I have a really good idea of what it looks like. It's a huge stage with stairs on either side, but it looks like there's a railing just in case I think I'm going to lose my balance. As for the size... I will try not to think about the fact it holds over a 1000 people and it's going to be full...

Manic11 - Knowing you just did this truly helps and I will definitely use your mantra. Congrats on your achievement!

Medic72 - As I mentioned, I was afraid to take something, but never thought of taking something half strength and I'm pretty sure that will help to numb me, but also keep me aware enough to know what's going on.

Jagged Angel - Congrats to you as well! I'm going to try and do a dry run tomorrow with my youngest daughter as I know this will really help. I couldn't find anyone to go with me on such short notice and just too worked up to do it on my own. I wish I would have talked to all of you a couple of weeks ago instead of procrastinating, but hindsight...

CaptainR - This is also a very good suggestion and I will use it along with Manic11's mantra. And when I get a chance I will definitely look for that book.

Paloma - It should be sometime between 7:00 and 8:30 Ontario time, so if we think really hard we may be able to connect telepathically (lol). Blowing off steam... What a great idea, I will definitely make sure I do my hike just before we're due to get ready instead of going in the morning. Or maybe I should do two hikes?? And the worry stone... I know I have one somewhere and will definitely go looking for it once I sign off.

You all have been incredible... Thank you, thank you, thank you! I really feel like I can do this. :smile:

Melody:Hug_emoticon:

 

[melody]

Thank you to you as well Helena. With or without meds, I do need to do this. I just hope I can...:Hug_emoticon: