Help - s.o.s - need a hand out - support - anger management

[Bloomy]

Ive written about me & my to close companion Anger before. I realise more and more my temper and issue controlling out is at times out of hands. And this is not working.

Today was supposed to be a nice day. Hiking to a lovely lake. With two guys from my hiking group. Iver forgotten that one of the lads annoyed the hell out of me on the last hike and he is a person that behaves like a dog with a bone. He just wont stop.

This - me - is terrible. I can not have it anymore, I need to do something about me. And my issues.

It startet allready on the metro on the way to the forest. He says something negative about and my capacity.
Or it startet with me waking up with the wrong leg. I told them I was grumpy and needed time to wake up. One hour walk I said and Ill be fine.
So yeah - he throws negative critisim on the subway. I try to ignore. We go of the metro and start the hike. Hot day today. Sweat was streaming. And it was 10 km uphills. I see as I write this I cant even remember what he was nagging about. I went totally black in my mind. I know I told him to leave it, but he being the dog he just cant. So I went 10 km on this hot day faster then a rocket fueled by my anger that became worse and worse as I startet to circulate my self down to my miserabel life and how I seem to just not get along with any one. How no one want to be with me. And all such not constructive thought.

At some point he said lets talk about what is going on. I said not no in the middle of an uphill. When we get to the lake we will.

When we got to the lake I was done. I was so down. So out. I just disconnected. And he werent trying to talk with me. The other guy is nice. But it wasnt nice to talk with me when I was in that state. So I was trying to come back to life and me and they wanted to leave. Impatiently waiting for me. So I blew up like a volcano erupting. I left them on the trail and went down to the water. Just thinking black thoughts like how I can not do this anymore.

The nice guy came to calm me down. It went ok. I saw a snake and I was getting glad again. I love snakes and want so bad to see them so that was a joyful distraction.

Anyway - we startet to walk back to city. But the tension where there. And at some point it just exploded. And we said - ok lets stop and talk it out. Which is not possible with him. I asked him cant you just accept that I have my feelings and their are not yours? No he cant. I dont have the right to get upset. And this is pretty much the worst thing to say to me. I went banakes.

So the nice guy says - thats it. Im leaving. It made me get back to myself. Pleading him not to leave. Saying Im sorry and I should have taken you into considereation and my behaviour is not ok.

Something like this.

Point is - I cant stand my self. I need anger management. No I cant afford to get help. Therapist. Whatever.
So I need to sort this out on my own.

It is an issue I have an tendency to explode when I feel pushed far enough. I know its not a personal attack, but people having their own issues. Still I seem unable to just brush it of.

This is not working for me. It was a nice day and a lovely forest and I go crazy like this.

Sorry if this post is unclear and or messy. Im not good to write about feelings and such.

I must say do Ive been like this since a kiddo.

Im scared of my self. Of my life if I can not learn to let go. Always being on the edge is not doing me good.

How can I help my self?

 

[Justmehere]

:hug:

That annoying guy sounds awful. It seems like your anger was sending a message that he was crossing your boundaries and it wasn't ok. When that didn't work, you numbed out, which is another boundary of sorts.

I struggle with how I express anger at times.

A few self help things that I have used: DBT self help skills (especially distress tolerance), the CBT technique called "urge surfing" (which can be used for all kinds of impulsive or anger fueled behaviors), grounding techniques, and "non-violent communication" techniques. (Which isn't actually about violence but can help for how to communicate when angry.) There is free self help info on the forums and Google for all these things.

Most of all, be kind to yourself. You are not crazy. I know that today didn't go like you wanted and that that the way you expressed the anger isn't what you wanted to do, but you did do a lot of things right as the situation went on. I'm so sorry the annoying guy was such an ass... :hug:

 

[Bloomy]

@Justmehere
Its been a long week and I had some other explotions during it. It seems was born a rebel and do really unwell with injustice. Also It seems I come forward as a strong person on the outside and then people tend to like to pluck me down. Like the guy today.
I start to hate my self and self loathe. Even do seeming a lion Im just a peaceful pussycat. Im so tired of people wanting to put me down or back "to my place" or whatever

The worst of today is the shame. Others see me when Im so out of place. And guessing its there for I self loathe.

Its not about expressing the anger more that I didnt want to become angry to this level I did today. It makes me feel I hate my self :(

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so sorry it's been such a hard week. :hug: Anger in and of itself isn't bad. It can be miserable to endure though. I can really relate with you on that. Injustice can spin me into a hole fast. :( DBT in particular helped me learn how to turn down the level of emotion without checking out.

One other suggestion - look into family systems theory and scapegoating. Maybe people scapegoat you a lot for their own issues... But you deserve peace, comfort, and to not be hated or ashamed.

 

[Changing4Best]

My first thought is for you to stay away from that dog who made you angry. He's not worth you getting into a state of mind like this. And like has been said above, anger is not always a bad thing. It depends upon what you do with it. If you use it to put yourself or someone else down, then it is not good. But one can be angry at an injustice and rightfully so. This is called righteous indignation and is not a bad thing.

I have had times in my life when I was just plan angry. Just about anything would set me off. Someone making too much noise, someone looking at me strangely, something going in a way other than I had planned for it to go, oh yes, anger was my constant companion during those days. Eventually, though, I changed my life and changed the people I hung around with so that the situations that caused me to be angry were no longer in my life. Therapy helped too, of course. I have been a pretty peaceful person since, though I do sometimes still get upset.

This week I saw someone who had physically sexually harassed me about a year ago. That made me angry, just to see him. I took actions to handle it though. I told others who also go to that place what he had done to me. They were outraged! They are praying for me and also watching him for me, so that in a sense they are watching my back, so to speak. I feel loved and protected by them, so I am pleased about how it all turned out. If I had not spoken my mind to my friends though, I'd still be in pretty rough shape emotionally right now, I think. You have to know who are the right people to go to though. Some folks will just sit there dumbly and listen, but not say much of anything when you have told them about what is bothering you. Or, like in your case, you will have a dog respond to you as he did. Choose your people carefully, hun, and if someone sets you off in the wrong direction, in the future, avoid them!

 

[EveHarrington]

That button pusher sounds like a jerk!

While I think it's good that you recognize your own personal struggles, I also urge you to realize that we aren't meant to get along with everyone. Some personalities just don't mesh well. And while it's not good to blow up at people, I have a feeling that you were attempting to be firm with setting boundaries and this guy couldn't take "no" for an answer and decided to walk all over your boundaries.

:hug:

 

[Friday]

Point is - I cant stand my self. I need anger management. No I cant afford to get help. Therapist. Whatever.
So I need to sort this out on my own.

//

How can I help my self?

This. :)
Dealing With Anger

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have also struggled when pushed into a small corner, I come out verbally swinging, not as bad as I used to but right now I am vulnerable so wary of me, I am quitting smoking cigarettes. I did take an anger management class a long time ago and the group experience was so interesting because it was mostly court ordered men there. I learned so much. Part of it is knowing that we are making a choice even though it does not feel that way. We are overreactive and we have to learn better coping skills I am learning. I hope this helps. You make perfect sense to me. I wish you the best with this one. I am confident that you will be able to manage this in your life.

 

[St.Maybe]

I'm sorry that things have felt so heavy. I think you did a great job expressing yourself.

You're angry... and if I were to judge it, I would say that you're not just angry at the people you loose your temper with. Sometimes, emotions fester and it becomes all the more difficult to separate yourself from their influence. As someone who is neither medicated nor seeing a therapist, I can say that for me the struggle has been in not trying to just eliminate negative emotions. I figure they're there for a reason, and they'll stop being challenges when I can figure out how to respond differently and make their presence in my life somehow constructive. I guess that's the kicker though, right? How can you make the anger you feel a constructive experience overall, and ultimately let it go? I think you should start with knowing what your goal is. You feel like you can't take your behavior anymore, but what is it that you would work toward, specifically?

I'm going to give you my opinion, what I would suggest. With your need for anger management, it would help to take careful note of exactly when you tend to tip over the edge. How long does it take you to snap at a person? What has your day been like? What specific triggers have come up during that time? What's the straw that breaks the camel's back? Keep track to the answers to these questions whenever you loose your temper so that you can recognize patterns and intervene. Knowing the answers to these questions and being able to "see it coming" can help you to separate from the situation in a timely manner. Maybe for you, that means right before you explode. Maybe it means the minute the warning signs start to signal. Either way, doing this gives you the opportunity to think and learn about your own emotional process... it's one thing I've found to help me change my own emotional responses.

The next time you start thinking "black thoughts," think about how those thoughts operate- my guess would be that one way they operate is to feed the feelings you're despairing over now.


May I ask if there's any other reason you haven't tried therapy or other kinds of professional help (other than lack of funds)? I completely understand not being able to afford services, but depending on where you live you may find a lot in the way of services that are affordable to you (even if that means they'll need to be free). It would be worth it to do research or to have someone you trust help you research all your options. You may find some services with "sliding scale" payment setups. In my area I had the opportunity to get free counseling for sexual assault because I didn't make enough to really even pay $5 a week... the term "sliding scale" scared me away at first glance, though, because I knew I could barely spare the bus fare to attend the counseling. My point is, don't think that getting help is impossible for you because you can't afford it. If you want professional mental health services I believe enough heads could be put together to make that a distinct possibility for you. Let me know, if I can help.

Best wishes,

Reno

 

[Bloomy]

@St.Maybe Ill answer to other comments and more about this later as I need more chewing.

But yeah you hit the jack pot on specially one hurtful point.

Not being able to find and neither to afford a decent therapist is an anger point. Cause I belive I deserve to be understood and supported to have the life I want and tried to many years to reach alone.
After a life time of search therapist / counsler / psykolog / any body at all that can support or / and help me heal I basically given up.

All though blissfully atleast Ive found one phone counsler. Temporarely. Once a week or every second week. For limited time.
I see through the communication with her that I am not dificult as others have portayed me to be. As I also thought my self all these years deep inside. Going to all the other ones that never helped. I am not dificult. I am a survivor of to much. I am not either some one to pity and put down with "poor you did your father rape you and there for I suggest disability money the rest of your life cause sure you cant work after some thing like that". In other words I dont want the victim label to be forced over my head.

This woman in just short time Ive talked with her on the phone has helped me quite tremendously. To bad she is not supposed to work with issues like this, but more work / school related issues so I must know the limits as to what to talk with her about.

Its just makes me angry that in this country is so dificult to get help if you are a trauma survivor. This is some thing that hurts and that I in every day life try to put aside to keep moving on and be as brave as I can.

 

[St.Maybe]

Is there anyone to help you in your search for long-term free therapy?

Even if government services are lacking, they (perhaps a health department, or local hospital) may be able to offer you a list of therapists or programs designed to help when mental health care is necessary but not affordable for a patient.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Good for you in not wanting to play the victim. That is a huge accomplishment to make in my opinion. I am very proud of you and you have succeeded in getting telephone help which is the first baby step. Other options will come to you as long as you do not give up on yourself as you are so worth fighting for.