Sufferer Hi - Introducing Myself

[passerine]

I have been lurking on this site for a while and have found it quite helpful, but am only now am working up the courage to write my first post. I, like many people on this site, suffer from severe, complex PTSD, which stems from early childhood sexual abuse, abandonment, a violent sexual assault at the age of thirteen, and in my twenties. I am now thirty one years old and I find myself wondering if I will ever recover from my past. Every day is a struggle, especially now as I am also attempting to finish a graduate degree and hold down a job.

The past two years have been especially difficult. I have been hospitalized on a trauma and dissociative disorders unit three times, and have been in and out of treatment for my eating disorder. My therapist, whom I see twice a week, has been wonderful through all of this, but sometimes I think even he doesn't know what to do with me.

I just got home from a particularly difficult therapy session and am struggling to stay present and grounded and safe. It is my hope that finally writing here, and asking for support, will help anchor me and supplement my therapy.

 

[Hydrotroop91]

I understand the struggle. I just posted my first post today as well! I'm sorry that you have had it rough too. Just know you are not alone. Over the weekend I needed a church elder to stay with me because it got too bad and I was in a bad spot. I was supposed to be married this past weekend and he blamed the PTSD on why he could never love me again. I am in college as well. You got this!!

 

[arfie]

Welcome to the outside of the closet, Passerine. Congratulations on finding the courage to introduce yourself.

Yes, recovery is possible. I, personally, have based my own recovery on accepting that I will always need maintenance and allowing that need to lead me to unique places. Indeed, it has introduced me to people and concepts I never would have found without the need. I let it be a fair trade. It has led me to depths of courage and compassion good health has no need for.

I do hope that going interactive here brings your desired results. It is entirely possible.

 

[Bookoffee]

Do you meditate? I have been telling everyone I can about the CALM app and website. I have found it relaxing and helpful. Your story is like many others here. I hope you find the help you need today.

Welcome!

 

[risingsun]

attempting to finish a graduate degree

Welcome to the Forum Passerine. You will find good support here. I'm sorry to hear of your immense traumas. You are definitely a survivor and things will get better. As I have said in other posts, PTSD is not a life sentence. You will recover and it seems that you are working hard to do just that.

I can relate to working on a graduate degree while having PTSD. I am working on that and doing so has been difficult but "I'm doing it" just as you are. I started my program 3 months after being hospitalized for not being able to eat or take care of myself. Now, I have two months to go and I'm almost done. So give yourself credit for being able to do that under harsh, personal conditions.

All and all, welcome to the forum! Warmest, Rising Sun.

 

[ghotiff]

Welcome. I too am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I hope you find the support here as amazing as I have.

 

[passerine]

Thank you, everybody, for your replies. The support is much appreciated, and needed. To answer your question, Bookoffee, I don't meditate in the traditional sense, as I find it only makes me dissociate. Sometimes I even find deep breathing exercises triggering. Thanks, though, for your recommendation. I am always searching for more resources to add to my recovery tool box.

I just received a phone call from my local rape crisis center, whom I have had a consultation with and attended several self-care workshops with last year. They wanted to check-in and let me know about some upcoming groups and workshops, which I feel good about, but somehow also kind of triggered. I just started back to school this week. I have committed to so much stuff over the next three months. I am feeling really, really overwhelmed. Maybe this is why I've been experiencing a spike in PTSD symptoms. It just feels like too much.

I am so glad that I found this site and finally came outside of the closet as it were, to introduce myself. I'm going to browse other threads and try to communicate a bit more tonight, as it is helping me to feel less isolated and disconnected.

 

[RussH]

Welcome to the forum. You are taking a big step toward you healing by posting and joining the forum. You will find a lot of support, and good sugestions on dealing with PTSD.
I wish you well.

 

[Bookoffee]

I don't meditate in the traditional sense, as I find it only makes me dissociate. Sometimes I even find deep breathing exercises triggering.

My wife introduced me to meditation. The way she was teaching was really hard for me because it was complete silence. My head and silence do not mix well together. I will dissociate or be triggered.

On the app there is one that is called the Seven Steps of Calm and I cant make it through the deep breathing step. It messes with me to the core. I don't know why, but it does. So I skip the ones that trigger me.The other ones, there is someone slowly talking you through the meditation with relaxing music.

Thanks, though, for your recommendation. I am always searching for more resources to add to my recovery tool box.

I hope this forum helps you.

 

[BlueOrange]

I started therapy several years ago and by my current standards, I've had a really bad week. It's about equal to what I would have called 'a really good week' when I was at the bottom.

If you take little steps, they add up over time. When you're at the bottom, the steps often seem unbearably small. They're worthwhile, even if they're small.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Loloma]

Hello passerine and welcome to the forum. Nice to see you here.

I'm sure you will find a lot of support and answer to your questions on this forum.