Horrible shame and filthy feeling.

[Aideun32]

Hello is anyone here able to talk about shame to me?
I am a sex abuse survivor and i feel helpless and intimidated by memories of forced sexual actions.
Followed by intense flashbacks i am left stunned for a long time, during these flashbacks i lose control of my body and it feels like i am being sexually abused all over again but by this time myself.
I have trouble describing this, if anyone can relate or has been through a similar problem, how have you made it out of this giant pit of horrible shame and filthy feelings?

 

[Joan]

This is something i am just beginning to tackle...I have been avoiding, but this week in therapy trying to hit head on. So can't give you any scenario how it goes....just wanted to say here with you.

 

[Sideways]

Flashbacks can be a pretty crippling experience. I've gone through periods where I've felt like my sexual abuse was happening over and over, and it would just repeat for hours at a time and...urgh.

Two things that have helped with that: first is to work on processing specific memories that I'm having flashbacks of. Skip straight to whatever event I'm getting in the flashback when I see my T, and completely throw myself into processing it & the emotions attached to that specific event.

Second: yoga. Yoga specifically for this issue because it's all well and good for people to tell you to ground yourself to get rid of a flashback, but it can feel pretty sickening (like, physically heaving type sick) to come back into your body after that sort of flashback. The first thing you feel like doing is dissociating to get out of the body again. Yoga taught me how to be in my body safely, without it making me feel ill.

Just a couple of thoughts. Be gentle with yourself, because it's pretty awful.

 

[Rumors]

Shame is an awful thing to carry...especially alone. I carry a lot too and have many of the same experiences you have. I agree it's Ragdoll in that you really have to process what is going on and don't try to avoid those feelings it will just prolong the agony. I do meditation and really should do yoga...it's on my bucket list to try.
Please be kind to yourself. I remember having those same overwhelming feelings followed by extreme anxiety which I have suffered with my whole life. I can tell you it does get better. It's a lot of work but it does. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself. Breathe. Come here often and reach out for support. Don't judge your feelings. If you feel shame, sit with it and look at it in the here and now versus when the actual abuse was taking place. Being able to see my abuse through my adult perspective versus my child perspective has made all the difference. Love yourself even when you feel like you aren't lovable. You are worthy of love and happiness. Surround yourself by people who aren't toxic even if you have to take a break from others. Read...I read a lot of positive things, historical biographies of interesting successful people, happy books, some self help stuff, religious enlightenment things, and lots of raw comedy. Stay busy either at work, with a hobby, or with family but idle hands truly are the devils workshop. Write when it seems worthy of writing about. Don't judge your writing just write whatever comes out and it doesn't even have to make sense. Last, but not least and quite frankly is the most important, sleep. Sleep is the number one thing that drives me over the edge. Your body needs time to recoupe and it needs good nutrition. Take good care of your body!!!
Sending loads of strength your way!

 

[PointlessExistence]

Your mind wants you to go there and set things right. You're an adult now. You are strong. If it's just too scary, find a therapist to guide you. Baby steps. You can do this!