Relationship How Can I Deal With The Verbal Attacks?

[boodle]

Hi,

I wonder how I can deal with verbal attacks that come just before my partner goes into a shut out?

For example, my partner will pick up on my weaknesses, hurts and vulnerabilities, and kind of fire them at me in a tirade just before she goes into a shut out. Some other times the things she says, although directed at me, don't even seem to be related to me. For example She will say I've done this, that and the other to her, but it could not be further than the truth. She seems to go into a 'blame' mode where I whatever I do, or have done, is wrong.

I tend not to respond anymore as she is not listening, and it just fuels the fire. The shut out afterwards maybe lasts for a few days.

I can deal with the shut-outs, although difficult, they are not directed at me. I struggle with all the verbal stuff beforehand. The stuff that has some truth behind it hurts, but the stuff that is so far from the truth seems to hurt more sometimes.

It is mainly comes in text form when we are apart. It seems to be targetted to cause the most hurt possible.
I want nothing more than to support my partner but how do I cope with the verbal things?

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Firstly, I appologize that you are going through this. It is difficult on both the sufferer and the supporter alike.

Secondly, don't. I know that sounds bad, but don't actually deal with them. Remove PTSD from the picture. If a partner started becoming verbally abusive towards you, berating and blaming you, is that something that you would typically put up with? PTSD is an explanation for the verbal abuse. But it is not a justification or an excuse for said behavior. Many people with PTSD are not verbally abusive in the least. This is not a PTSD thing. This is a personality thing, which is overblown and heightened by PTSD symptoms.

This is where the fun part starts, and no one is going to like this conversation (because trust me, it's very hard to stand your ground initially. This is comming from a supporter.) but you have to start setting boundaries.

If it's verbal abuse within a physical setting, the best possible thing to do is to dismiss yourself and walk away from the situation. Head outside, take a shower, drive your car to the grocery store, tell her that you can both resume the conversation at a later time. After a fire has mostly died down, this is where you set your boundary: if she becomes verbally abusive, you are not going to engage with her in that mindset. Final. No ifs or buts. You care about her, but you also care about yourself, and you're not going to be a brick wall for insults, because you're a person with emotions too. If that is also met with more berating, rinse and repeat. Leave, come back. This enforces that she will not be engaged with if she expresses that kind of behavior. She can't control emotions - nobody can. You can be so goddamn angry you want to blow up a building. But you /can/ control behaviors. Her being angry and upset doesn't justify abusive behavior.

Because this is by text message, this makes it a little harder to do. I'm not sure how you engage with her when she sends these texts, but if you do respond to her when she sends these, even in a "passive" tone, this is where you shut off your phone and go do something else for a few hours. It's going to /suck/. Trust me. I've been there. Ignoring your phone when you're not sure what another person is saying is really crappy. But you have to. If you don't stick to the boundary, that behavior will continue. After a bit, you can perhaps see what the situation is, and, again, reaffirm that you will not engage with her - even in texts - if the behavior resorts to verbal abuse. It's fine to be angry and frustrated. It's fine to have disagreements. It's not okay to verbally abuse a person due to disagreements or anger.

Is your sufferer seeing a therapist at all, by any chance? If not, it would be helpful for her to seek counsel from one.

 

[Chitoshi]

As a sufferer, I just want to say that I'm really sorry you're going through this. @RecedingMoonlight is correct with everything they said.

I have PTSD and am in a long-term relationship with someone who has been very supportive for me, and I started doing those exact firestorm angry-text sessions and it's very hurtful not just for my boyfriend, but for me. It damages our relationship, and I'm really grateful he took the initiative to point out to me that I was beginning to get verbally aggressive and it was affecting him much more than I let on.

Yes, those firestorm text montages were a way for me to vent my anger and frustration, but it was not the right thing to do and he was not the right target. I was angry at my rapist, I was angry at the world, and I was angry for my life not being what I wanted it to be. Sometimes I still rage, and I'm still learning how to shape it so that I'm not targeting my boyfriend, and my boyfriend has refused to engage with me when I do them. I think that's the right thing to do. I've engaged with my therapist on this as well. Him and I have gone through different, healthy ways I can cope with my rage and sadness in healthier outlets that do not damage my relationship.

She may be hurting, but that doesn't give her the right to hurt you. Just like when I'm hurting it doesn't give me the right to hurt my boyfriend or others. PTSD is not an excuse to be verbally abusive, and (at least for me) part of working through things is learning how to manage my behavior in a healthier manner. I agree with turning your phone off, and when you turn it back on try not to read the angry messages at all, just delete them.

I can't always help that I'm irrationally angry, but I can help and control how I channel it. I go to a "safe space" and leave my phone so I can't use it as a weapon, and I have other outlets. It's all about learning how to manage it, for me.

So no, you don't have to deal with it. Like RecedingMoonlight said, you are a person with feelings and need to set boundaries, and it is going to suck. It sucked for me, it sucked for my boyfriend, but we're learning and it's brought us closer together that I don't nitpick and rage at him. That doesn't mean we don't have arguments, but it helps that I'm not beating him down every time I'm upset.

I hope my perspective helped. It still doesn't make it okay.

 

[EveHarrington]

She sounds abusive.

 

[Mytime]

I agree with the first two posts. So I don't feel I have much to add. But wanted to say, " I hear you and I'm here to support you :)

 

[boodle]

Hi RecedingMoon,

Wise words again from you, thank-you. You must have been going through this for some time to have learned so much.

I must say that your comment “It is difficult on both the sufferer and the supporter alike” is so true. I know on some occasions my partner has felt bad about what she said after the event. Other times I don't even think she remembers what she has said. Although I now realise I shouldn't have to put up with the verbal abuse, I don't want her to feel bad about it afterwards as that is just adding another level of guilt to the situation. Its a difficult line to walk, to not accept it but to ensure she does not feel berated about it too.

I will be seeing her tomorrow after the recent shutout which you replied to in my last post. I'm sure we will talk about what happened after a while of just being easy on each other. It will probably be the right time then to say what I would do in that situation again. When she is out of a shut out I know she feels bad for me when I have been hurt, so I'll focus on the positives that will come out of the new boundary.

You asked if she is seeing a therapist at present. No, not currently. She was seeing one a couple of years ago, but then her Dad died and the therapy stopped as the professionals thought it would be too hard to deal with. The therapy didn't restart, she says they still don't think she is ready for it. She does go to a support group twice a week which she finds helpful. I see a counsellor each week which has been invaluable.

Thank-you again my friend for your support.

 

[boodle]

She sounds abusive.

Hi Eve,
That was a tough one to hear. I will have to ponder on that.

 

[boodle]

I agree with the first two posts. So I don't feel I have much to add. But wanted to say, " I hear you an...

Hi Mytime,
Thank-you. This website and you guys on here have been brilliant

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Hi RecedingMoon,

Wise words again from you, thank-you. You must have been going through this for some t...

I have had a friendship with a sufferer spawning over 10 years since we were both fairly young, so yes, I did have the time to learn a few things :)

I am not quite sure on the alleged belief that the therapists said that after a year, she shouldn't be in therapy again. I'm not too familiar with the British health system, but I think as far as I'm noted regarding basic human rights, it's the patient that ultimately decides what to do with their health, and can only be forced into certain medical care when faced with either fatal, destructive, self-destructive, or severe mental damage. The fact that therapists insist that she's 'not ready' for more therapy when she's eliciting these kinds of behaviors (which, mind you, is normally what prompts a warrant TO get therapy in the first place) makes me slightly raise an eyebrow towards that statement. Then again, I am unfamiliar with how the British healtcare system works, as well as the fact that I'm missing a lot of context.

Remember my friend, when meeting with her again, it's best to perhaps voice your boundaries off the bat. It will be hard, but it will save you both the grief in the end - her from feeling guilty, and you from general pain.

 

[boodle]

As a sufferer, I just want to say that I'm really sorry you're going through this. @Recedi...

Hi Chitoshi,

thank-you so much for your reply. How wonderful to hear from the perspective of a sufferer too.

Sometimes I am so confused as to what to do for the best. I try my best not to trigger her, but I am relatively new to this and am still learning as triggers hide in the most unexpected of places. To know that you and boyfriend can deal with this has given me so much comfort and shows that it is possible.

Thank-you again for your support. You guys on here are just amazing.

 

[boodle]

I am not quite sure on the alleged belief that the therapists said that after a year, she shouldn't be in therapy again

I was not around when my partner was initially in therapy so it's hard to say what has happened. I must confess though, I have wondered if she feels that she is not ready. Maybe she has dropped out of the system as she has not been back to them and she is avoiding going back into therapy. Its just a hunch.

Anyway, I have much more clarity for the meeting tomorrow. Thank you (to you and all posters) for sharing your time and experience. I hope I can report something more positive next time :)

 

[Friday]

I want nothing more than to support my partner but how do I cope with the verbal things?

My son does this. So I'm on a long con manipulation campaign to modify the behavior. He's a teenager, now, so whether the lessons take or not is up to him; but it's no different than any of the other behavior mod stuff we do as parents from infancy onward. Whether it's biting nipples while eating, hitting Suzy in the head with a truck when angry, or running out into the street when excited... It's Nope! Not things I'm willing to let stand. But he's also a child, not a grown ass adult. Gradually increasing levels of responsibility & holding a ticker tape parade on the path I want him to follow, is the name of the game. The way I was brought up, failure is the teacher's fault, not the students. If he's acting incorrectly, then I have failed to properly instruct him. Which means the way I go about teaching children is very Chess.

Anyone else? Can kiss my lilly white ass. I'm not their mother. It is not my responsibility to teach them anything, much less how to not be an asshole.

Prior to my exHusband I had a tendency to calmly listen to whatever verbal barrage was spewing forth, and then respond in kind: by smacking them really hard across the face. Whew! Now I feel better. :D And the message was always received. Boundary? Crossed. Don't pull that shit with me, I don't play.

In retrospect, I should have kept up the habit with my now-ex. But I was trying to be a better person. :rolleyes: Sometimes being a better person is stupid.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You're allowed to set boundaries and have limits with your sufferer even if they're symptomatic. You don't have to stand there and take it.

Nip it in the bud. "I love you, but I won't tolerate being talked to like that. Contact me when you're done yelling/name calling/ranting and are ready to talk." Then exit the situation. Do not escalate. She will eventually learn that yelling is not productive.

If you don't start working on it now, it will snowball. Enough negativity and bile gets through using this technique, I couldn't imagine just sitting there and taking it.