Sufferer How Do I Save This Mess I Created?

[myvetswife]

Getting help was the biggest hurdle for me. It's a hard thing for a bloke to admit. Especially when you're ex-forces.

Tell me about it. It took my vet nearly 20 years and a suicide attempt to get help.

My kids are 10, 8 and 3. The 8 year old also has special needs issues and has also been a cause of a lot of worry and stress over the years. I've done a lot of the child care over the years and have been very hands on. This has decreased over the past couple of years as the PTSD snowballed.

It wouldn't be fair to fight custody.

We have a son with ADHD. Gosh...Combat PTSD meets Teenager with ADHD....no good mix. But why wouldn't it be fair to fight for custody? There are your kids aswell?! I understood they are moving quite far away? Wouldn't it help your son to stay in his normal living space?

 

[Cufflinks]

Wouldn't it help your son to stay in his normal living space?

In my view, yes it would.

However, I'm being met with "I'm putting the kids first in this and it would be best for them". This is rubbish in my opinion. Like I said, I feel she's running away.

If I ask for custody she's going to roll out all sorts of stuff, followed by me rolling out all sorts of stuff. All in court and at huge expense. It's highly unlikely I'd win but could be 20 grand down for the privilege. I don't think that would be putting the kids first either so what do I do. I've agreed to her taking nearly 80% of the proceeds to be able to buy a house and get sorted. Paying 20 grand out of the remainder would not leave me enough to buy a car!

I'm damned if I don't fight it and damned if I do. We have arranged for me to have the kids every other weekend and half of all school holidays which is the best that can be hoped for in the circumstances given the geography.

 

[Whitneys story]

((((((((Cufflink))))))))

JMHO I have always been the first to admit that I am unusual. Also had a great therapist. Had he not died I might not be on this sight. I would relate that as "If Only".

"What if" I continued my learning as he had shown me instead of drowning in my loss of him. Which eventually I got through grieving.

I personally believe "If Only" is a negative thought leading us to believe we are wrong or guilty. "What If" allows one to look and learn from a situation.

You are a very Brave Bloke! You have an illness which needs treatment and processing. With a good understanding therapist, they can bring you through the "If Only" and correctly help you process.

The brain with PTSD has twisted (in a lot of people) and past programming that one is guilty for the world. We are accountable for our own actions. In the journey of healing I hope your therapist brings to light. In any relationship, rarely is one person to blame.

Never easy and you are ahead of the game in your monetary thinking. Hold tight with the children, they will always want/need you.

Even the best therapist may not have it all. The articles and Anthony's writings are excellent refreshing knowledge. You are worth every bit of finding yourself. You are not alone! Hugs, Whitney

 

[Cufflinks]

"What if" I continued my learning as he had shown me instead of drowning in my loss of him. Which eventually I got through grieving.

I personally believe "If Only" is a negative thought leading us to believe we are wrong or guilty. "What If" allows one to look and learn from a situation.

Whitney,
You are probably right. My thinking was that "If only" recognizes a mistake or error. "What if" is uncertainty.

 

[Cufflinks]

Well, the fateful day is tomorrow. I feel like my world is ending. There are no words..

 

[amethist]

Try and stay strong Cufflinks, though I know it wont be easy.

We are here for you when ever you need us.

 

[safenow]

You can do this, Cufflinks. We are here for you, if you need us.

 

[Cufflinks]

I also have a Psychiatrist coming from the Ministry of Defense in the morning to see about a war pension for the PTSD. I am feeling so numb I can't think of anything to tell him.

 

[safenow]

I'm sure he will understand. Don't forget to breathe. Safe, gentle hugs if you'll allow them.

 

[Cufflinks]

I like hugs. Thank you!

 

[safenow]

(((( Cufflnks ))))

 

[shoulderblades]

She knows the efforts I'm making but "can't see any other option" and is "tired of walking on eggshells every day".

I understand how you feel, and I understand how your wife feels. It sounds like she needs space to breathe and will need ongoing "proof" that you're making effort to get help. I know that sounds harsh but it's not uncommon amongst partners of ptsd sufferers. I have had to live with a partner with ptsd for over 13 years (while struggling with my own C-PTSD) and the way he acted out affected me pretty badly. I recognise he couldn't always help it but that didn't lessen the pain of having to deal with it.

That in no way means it's your fault by the way - your trauma is not your fault and the way in which it has manifested is not your fault. Those two items are completely out of your control. What IS in your control is treatment and choosing to stick with it. As for your wife, she probably has some trauma related to you suffering from ptsd (again, common in partners of ptsd sufferers) and will need her own time and space to heal before being able to support you to her full capacity. Again, this is not your fault, even if she makes comments to that effect.

Just remember that you are not the blame for your trauma or how your trauma has manifested. This is a hard mantra to learn, I know, especially you feel like you are the cause for all that is falling apart around you. I am struggling hugely with this mantra and mindset myself. But it's a truth we need to keep repeating to ourselves and to others who are struggling with the same fight.

Lastly, welcome to the forum. I hope you find a lot of support and help here. It really sounds like you've had a rough trot. I'm sorry things have been so hard for you and your wife. *offers a hug*