Sufferer How Do I Save This Mess I Created?

[Cufflinks]

It may help her a lot to see others who have been on the receiving end of what she has been and been torn between that and loving someone.

Thanks Abstract,
I've suggested to her that it might help with some of the pain I caused but no. She wants out and now. However, I'm going to sort myself out of this and end up a better person for it.

 

[myvetswife]

Well Cufflinks, getting help and looking for help you should only do for yourself and not for others.

It took me 9 months with my husband in a clinic that I slowly started to trust him again and see there is progress and it helped before I was starting a relationship again. All I wanted is him out of my life before.

 

[Cufflinks]

All I wanted is him out of my life before.

Yeah, I know. I am doing this for myself. I need to for whatever happens. However, I'm also very conscious of the fact that she's also under severe stress, mainly, but not entirely caused by me but for which I get the complete blame. I'm desperately trying not to become numb as I tend to consider people dead to me once they turn away. My biggest fear is that this will happen and transfer to the kids.

 

[myvetswife]

but not entirely caused by me but for which I get the complete blame.

If you are depressed I think thats normal, thats what I do anyway. Or it is pure my fault.

I'm desperately trying not to become numb as I tend to consider people dead to me once they turn away.

Realising that and feeling it coming is good! Feeling emotions is hard but useful when you want to work on yourself. But it all takes time!

 

[Cufflinks]

I am not depressed. That's the most amazing thing. I am just determined to fight this.
I had an assessment from Mike Fisher at the British Association of Anger Management this morning. He told me a couple of things I didn't know about myself. I have a real problem with access to empathy (hence the cutting things dead and moving on) - this is partly due to being ex-forces. I also have an inability to numb myself when I care about something which is why I get angry with my wife. Something to look into.

 

[Cufflinks]

I can't believe how much this site is helping. It's good to rant and moan and wail. It helps get the pain out.

 

[garden]

Cufflinks, I too am amazed at how much being here and just being truthful about what I'm experiencing helps. It's really amazing actually. After keeping things to myself, and only allowing little bits out, I'm really feeling better in some ways. It's wonderful to know that others are also feeling supported or heard. It takes a lot of courage to take all the actions that you've taken. Good luck with your journey.

 

[Cufflinks]

Thank you Lewa. I will deal with this. I just wish my wife was sticking around to support me and go forward together. I'll get over that eventually I guess but right now it feels like amputation.

 

[Cufflinks]

Jeez, what next.

First she's taking the kids and moving up north and so I have to start planning my future to cope with that despite pleading that she stays somewhere where I can still be a dad. Now I get "it's not set in stone" about the move north so plans up in the air again.

I'm confused and stressed enough with the therapy without this going on. I feel like I might as well go into a shell and come out after winter and just deal with stuff then.

I am really trying to work on the empathy and to stop myself numbing from her but every single thing I say is responded to aggressively and defensively and I desperately want to get angry about this but refuse to. Aaaarghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[HëllaBubz]

Well perhaps something has 'clicked' and she has realised that it might be a little drastic.
I found (as a sufferer) that when my partner was close to breaking, it really helped to just sit down and tell her that you have something to say, and you just need to get it out, and then she can do what she needs to do.

This is what I told my partner when we were going through an extremely rough patch:

I know I have a problem, but right now the only thing that matters to me is what it has done to you.

I know you need to go because you feel it is the best for you right now, but I just want to say thank you for everything you have put up with, and helped me with; without it, I wouldn't be seeking help like I am now.

It doesn't matter how far away you move, I will still always love you, and even if you need a break, I'm happy to give you some space, and let you contact me when you are ready.

I'm really sorry for being such an angry prick, and getting mad so easily, please understand that I'm having a really hard time controlling it, but I will always try extra hard for you because you are special to me, and I want to hurt you the least.

My anger is never personal towards you, but before you think that it's a cop out, I just want to say that regardless of why or how it happened, I'm still sorry you had to deal with it.

If you have to go, go, I understand that you need to think of your own health too, but if you ever think of staying, or coming back, even if it is for a night as friends, I will still continue to try for you, I can't promise fast results, but I promise I will try.

I don't know if this helps at all, but I wish you all the best regardless.

xox

Bubzie.

 

[Cufflinks]

Good advice Bubzie, I have done most of that but I think I've left it too late. At least I'm getting help now. She says that all feeling within the marriage has gone and I'm just a friend but who knows.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Well perhaps when you are recovered a little more things may change a little.
Good luck either way.