How Do I Stop Going Outside To See That Everything Is "safe"?

[nycowboy]

Hi all. I've only been here for a few days and already I feel better and more capable. I do have a therapist, but it is great to have help from people that "get it" here.

I was bullied as a child, not sexually, just teased, picked-on, and ostracized. Now as a 43-yo male I struggle with not feeling safe. Most of the time this happens in the warmer months of the year when people are more active. Here is what happens. I'm inside my house, minding my own business, and I hear SOMETHING outside - it could be a lawnmower, a motorcycle, someone's voice, a dog bark. All "normal" sounds, but to me, I have this urge to go outside immediately and see what the source of the noise is and where it is coming from. My nerves signal "be careful. An invader is present. Something bad is going to happen. alarm alarm alarm...." Not safe. Not safe. You are not safe. You must STOP this noise. You must STOP this invasion before you are overcome and overtaken." I have "stranger danger" to the max.

Or sometimes it can be a cat walking across our yard. Or a squirrel. Or Lord help the human that trespasses in our yard. I have this all-consuming urge to go outside and chase the cat or the squirrel or yell at the human.

What do I do to stop this? Even with an air conditioner/radio/TV/etc. on I still am supersensitive to noise and want to go out and get it to STOP. I know it is very much a conditioned response. But what do I do? Any help or advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

 

[scout86]

First, I have to mention that I like the boots in the picture that's your avatar. I have 2 pair that look pretty much like them!

My therapist tells me that he thinks everything we do started out as being somehow "adaptive". It was an attempt, by some part of our mind, at some time, to keep us "safe". The catch is, it might have started at a time where we didn't get what was going on well enough to come up with a good approach (asking a 4 YO to keep you safe, when you're an adult, probably isn't the best idea). Also, things change and stuff needs updating. He suggests, to me, that ask the "part" of my mind that's in charge of what ever what it's purpose is, and check to see how well that purpose fits the current situation.

His way of explaining this always strikes me as a little "out there". It actually works, though, which is kind of annoying! How ever you approach it, my suggestion would be to explore where this need started and what it's original purpose was. Once you know that, you can come up with ways of updating what ever's going on, to make it work better.

 

[nycowboy]

Hi. Glad you like the boots :) I have ... about... 50 pairs. I'm not a hoarder - they just make me feel happy when I wear them. This pair was made by Olathe in Kansas about 25 years ago. They have higher riding heels and 17" shafts.

OK. Anyway...

Where did this need start? I think, ok, I'm pretty sure, it started when I was a child. Because I was always afraid of being bullied or teased, I always felt I had to watch my back, and to listen intently for the sounds that were around me -- just to make sure I was safe and that no-one was going to hurt me. If I heard something "askew" I could run and hide or somehow avoid the possibility of being hurt, beaten-up, or otherwise abused. And if I saw someone approaching me (like on a street) I always (and still do) tried to find an escape route so I wouldn't have to face that person.

So now... wow. Wait a minute. That was a total lightbulb moment for me. I never really thought about how I would always LISTEN very closely for noises around me. Like footsteps of a person following me when I go for a walk. It still creeps me out.

So now the question is... what are ways to update the situation? I'm a big guy now. Most people wouldn't mess with me or tease me. I can hold my own, maybe not in a physical fight, but in a fight of words or wits, I'm strong.

I need to think of ways to update... any suggestions would help... I'm stuck at the moment.

 

[scout86]

I can definitely relate to being stuck! LOL In some ways, what you're doing is reasonable. Ok, it SEEMS reasonable to ME, but then I have PTSD and always, if I can take a chair that gives me the best over all view of the room AND ready access to an exit. LOL It seems like maybe the part that's a problem is the "not being able to recognize something as a non-threat and let it go" part.

Would it help at all to talk this through with yourself, when it happens? I do that a lot, when I realize that what I'm reacting to isn't really what's actually happening, but something some part of my brain has decided MIGHT be happening.

For example, I'm a farrier and, sometimes some of my more inexperienced clients will do something stupid that puts me, and others, at risk. My first, internal reaction is to take it personally and get mad. (These people are trying to get me killed! etc) When I recognize that what's happened is the fight/flight/ freeze circuit has been tripped and I'm reacting to something that I'm not accurately interpreting, I can find better ways of dealing with it. Explaining why it's not a good idea to throw something at the dog who's standing next to the horse that I'm working on, for example, rather than throwing a shoeing hammer at the guy. (Yep, someone really did that! No, I didn't really kill him, but I sure thought about it!)

 

[nycowboy]

OK. You are a farrier! Awesome... And I love horses and riding. I'm not that good a rider (yet) but I can canter and am learning the basics of jumping. I ride with direct reins but in a Western saddle. I want to switch back to English though. Most people around me ride English. The boots are my every day footwear. See, there is a connection here... :)

You are very right - I do the same thing. I react to what I THINK rather than what actually IS. A dog bark outside = dog is outside going to poop in my yard as the EVIL neighbors let him go. Then they are going to let dog stay out all night and bark incessantly. Reality = dog barked once to be let inside.

Someone walks by in front of our house = they are going to knock on the door and come into our house and yell at me
Reality = person walks by our house and keeps walking.

It is important that you said the bit about flight/freeze/fight. This is triggered so often in me. Now I can identify when I'm triggered and give it a name. I was aware of FFF, but now I can say, "Aha. this is FFF." And come up with better ways to handle the situation.

It is hardest, though, when this happens with people, rather than just a noise. Example: new neighbors last fall. One parked her big old truck in the yard and turned up her music REALLY LOUD. Loud enough that I could hear it inside my house. Total adrenaline rush. Total rage. But I told myself to stay calm. And I did a pretty good job. But she was not friendly about it and wanted to see where it said in writing that she had to turn her music down. I went back in my house and called the cops and let them deal with it. But it was so hard. And it left me exhausted. I really strongly felt that I was being invaded by her noise and felt that I could not escape it because I could hear it in my house, so I chose to FIGHT.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that an "exposure therapy" of sorts would help you. (Stop me if I get this wrong!) You hear a noise, and it makes you uncomfortable/anxious/etc. In order to make those "bad" feelings go away, you investigate the sound. Once you go outside and have scoped out the situation, you feel better. (Does this sound correct? I don't want to make any unfair assumptions!)

In a way, you are reinforcing your need to go outside and make sure you are safe because you do this every time. Thus, your mind says that in order to feel safe, the sound needs to be investigated. Well, what would happen if instead of acting on those uncomfortable thoughts, you learned to sit with them. Perhaps at first you could tell yourself that when you hear a sound outside, instead of jumping up right away you will sit with those uncomfortable feelings for one minute (or maybe one minute is too long, so you start with a shorter timeframe).

This will actually re-train your mind so that it learns that those uncomfortable feelings can be dealt with rather than acted upon externally. While you are sitting with those uncomfortable feelings, you can use coping skills such as CBT to talk yourself down into a less anxious state.

For example, instead of thinking "danger, danger, danger, I must investigate", perhaps you decide to think of other explanations for the sound of a dog barking, such as "the neighbors are simply on an evening walk with their dog and the dog barked at a squirrel and now the owner and dog are continuing on", and then think of other possible scenarios as well. Sitting with the uncomfortable thoughts can really suck, but over time, it will get better.

I didn't have this particular issue, but I did have the same pattern of behavior where I'd feel a negative emotion and then have to act in a certain way in order to get that negative feeling to go away. It was similar in that the subsequent behavior was having a negative impact on my life. It took awhile to break this chain of events (feeling--->action) as sitting with the negative emotion was hard, but over time it did get better.

 

[nycowboy]

Thanks solara! You are so so so right-on! I would add, too, that a lot of times what can happen is this:

I hear dog barking. I go to investigate what is going on. I see that neighbor/person on street is walking dog. I stand outside my house and "guard" my property until said dog and person are out of sight. I guard my property to make sure that the person and dog won't invade my space.

I will honestly try to "sit" with the uncomfortable feelings.

 

[scout86]

One of the things my therapist has pointed out to me is that, in these situations, I tend to only see 2 options. (Like "homicide" and "doing nothing"!) He suggests that there actually ARE a whole range of options in between that I might consider. Actually, those options probably include sitting there for a bit and letting myself take a deep breath and relax! Who knew???????? Thanks Solara!

 

[nycowboy]

See, solara, you have helped two of us today!

It is so hard NOT to react, though. I just want to RUN and investigate and and and put a stop to the noise.

For you, scout - a bad photo of the boots I have on today... at least you get the idea.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thanks @weavingcowboy, I'm glad I could help today! It feels great to get feedback like that!

 

[nycowboy]

You are welcome! I have tried to "sit" rather than run and investigate in the past, but now I have a name, or validation, or something that gives me some ideas how to handle the situation!

 

[scout86]

@weavingcowboy , I like the tops, but never was a huge fan of the really pointed toes. But, I also don't like the square toes that have been the "in thing" the past few years. Last time I needed boots, there was a brand that had something they called "the Larry Mahan" line, THOSE I like and they are basically like the ones in your avatar. I wish the stuff I like stayed in fashion! I'm not all that fired up about "change" sometimes. LOL Good to have someone else here who appreciates fine footwear!