How Do You Escape The Memory Loop

[Hope4Now]

I am really struggling. In August, on top of everything else, I recovered a repressed memory of sexual abuse from when I was very young. It happened in a very intense flashback. I've told my therapist and we have tried to process it, but I can't seem to do what I need to do for processing...other parts keep getting in the way.

So while we're dealing with these other parts, this young part of me is stuck in a perpetual loop of horror and I'm drowning in it...intrusive memories, thoughts, lots of body issues (shaking and twitching and pain) and full-on flashbacks at least once a day. I'm getting sleep, I'm grounding, I'm visualizing, I'm singing, I'm using a squeeze ball, I'm writing here, I'm drinking hot drinks, sucking on peppermints...I even walked my dog this morning in spite of pretty intense pain and enough dissociation that I'm glad I didn't see anyone I knew. Damn...doing all the things I know I'm supposed to do but they're not working. This memory loop is wearing me down so badly, especially when it is always attached to physical stuff.

I can rally a bit when I'm with other people doing things for them, but every time I am by myself...in the bathroom, in my office, in the car, walking the dog, trying to rest...it all comes crashing back. I don't think I can go on much longer like this, but I don't know what else to do either.

Any suggestions?

 

[Bookoffee]

Thank you for starting this thread. I have been struggling myself. I would like to see new ideas.

 

[Rumors]

Could have written this myself at times! I hope things ease up soon!!!

 

[Ronin]

Mm. You say nothing you did is working.

Well maybe then really, give yourself some time and space?

It sure is draining. But how's that in a song, let it be. Let it just go through, keep doing what you can while the memories are intrusive mess they are. They'll eventually even out when the original push through is over. This phase is just that; a phase. It's not going to go like it indifinitely.

You said being near other people helps, right? Can you do that - not as doing things FOR people, more like WITH other people? Seemed to me being alone makes it worse and then get you spiral deeper, so maybe avoid it, and take time to just be, just breathe.

 

[Ryn]

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling so much. That sounds really hard.

Would it be possible to escape for a few days? Get yourself into a completely new environment? Visit a friend, take a weekend holiday? For me I have found that immersing my body in a new space in that way can sometimes ease the memories, at least long enough for me to get a breath and briefly recuperate.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Riding out the storm of an emergent memory takes time and energy. I think it takes every ounce of my energy. Try the usual stuff: therapist, meds as needed, asking for help. Don't forget to eat and sleep. You have energy healers as I recall. Maybe ask them to help you extract this newest memory. You have lived through and gotten through many intrusions. Sometimes it just has to suck for awhile before it leaves you.

I'm sorry this is such a painful memory. You knew something was percolating in you and here it is. You are a grown woman who is strong and have many coping strategies. I know you can soldier through this.

 

[Hope4Now]

Thanks all. Trying to figure out healthy ways to survive this. Only meds I have right now are not meant to be used regularly because they lose their effect. I've already taken more than I should have I think. I am trying to lose myself in my endless barrage of work and trying to forget about it all and accomplish something, but I can't concentrate on much of anything. I would like to run away but there's nowhere to go and my hyper-responsible family obligation parts will not let me do it anyway. It's the same with ending life. So, good thing I have those hyper-responsible parts really. I suppose I just have to let myself suffer it out. I just wish it didn't go on and on and on so relentlessly. I have enough stuff upsetting me in my actual current life without having all the pain and suffering of my child parts slamming in on top of it.

 

[Rumors]

Hope4Now said "I have enough stuff upsetting me in my actual current life without having all the pain and suffering of my child parts slamming in on top of it."

Maybe you are on to something here. What other things are upsetting you in current life? Sometimes when I feel most inundated by lots of little or medium things, I get hit with something seemingly unmanageable. I think it is kind of like getting a cold. You start out just missing a little sleep, not eating quite as well, and getting run down and then it turns into a cold. Then pneumonia if you don't take care of yourself. I believe I would exhaust all possibilities to resolve the current issues first and see if that doesn't clear enough room on your plate to deal with the past issues. Hope that works!!!!
Good luck!

 

[violetclouds]

I don't know if this is a good idea or not - but because I don't have therapy I often find myself in the same place. What I do when I find no other relief is just get a trusted friend or my spouse - and go into a private quiet place - and let it run it's course. I talk it through if I can, scream, cry whatever seems to be needed - and just let it run its course. Sometimes it takes hours or even days - but eventually I get there. As I said I don't know if it's a good idea or not -but it is sometimes what I have to do.

 

[Nyssa]

Grounding doesn't mean escaping. In my mind, at least.

To me, a successful grounding involves some level of acceptance of the flashback. Ideally, it allows to stay safe and bear the pain so that the content of the resurfacing trauma can be integrated. Ideally...

When I have flashbacks or intrusive memories, I can either tell myself "This is just a flashback, it has nothing to do here in my present life, I must concentrate on what is happening right now around me to make the flashback disappear ASAP" or "This is a flashback, I'm safe, I'll be fine. The flashback refers to past events, yes. But the experience of having it is in the present, I can go through it without reacting to it. I'll be fine".

I often go with the first option, because it's the one that naturally comes to me when I'm freaked out. And those memories and flashbacks do freak me out. But if I manage to calm myself down enough to consider the second option, things usually go better. Less stress, less fear, more acceptance, so in the end, less recurrence. It's not always possible though. And I suppose sometimes, escape is the best call.

Again, this is just the way I see things for myself, based on my experience. It might not help you at all. And whatever you do, staying safe is the most important aspect to consider.

I just thought of this after having read the last posts of your diary, where you wrote :

I still have a hard time connecting the recovered fragmented memories and the actual memories to me now. In fact, that's one of the hardest things. I know, intellectually, that my memories are experiences I had as a child, but it is hard to connect them to who I am now. I think this is why I have such terrible flashbacks and get all mixed up with these hurt child parts of myself. It's like those child parts are insisting that I accept what happened by making me re-experience it. Again and again and again.

It takes time to make that connection you're talking about. Not trying to escape your child parts might be a good start. At the same time, it's healthy to go on with your adult life, and not let yourself drown in the child's pain if you can avoid that drowning. There's a balance to find here. I haven't figured it out for myself yet. I only realized it didn't have to be a constant fight anymore. But I suppose the right balance is different for each one of us.

 

[pamcoco]

Gosh, I am not sure where I fit, but any memory thread hits a chord. I can't keep track of time. I wake on Monday morning and by evening it is Friday. It confuses me, horrifies me, makes me unsure of all reality since time seems the basis of most. Memory is a slippery world for me.