Gee, I've had the strangest few days, & I don't know where to put this because I think it belongs in the "I realize that.." thread but it is too long, & still does come down to finding the words for difficult topics. That includes posting here.
Much of difficult topics I now think just come back to either related to the ptsd, for me (or doubt I'm fairly & accurately assessing something). A friend on here pointed that out. Or my thoughts about them & what I should 'do' or am responsible for or 'should' feel even, are (at times heavily) influenced or coloured by the ptsd, by the past, by my childhood, by abusive circumstances, by self-hatred, & by feeling like a burden. (Other than that I'm 'ok'. :alien::eek: :bag::rolleyes: )
Someone asked me out I've known a long time, I got out of it but they said "I am the nicest women they know in the city", (though they added they 'want what I've got', -whatever that means). But I felt 'good' not going out. Then a long-time friend said the next day "You aren't looking for a boyfriend - what's wrong with you?" (I had said "It wasn't a priority"- being asked out is inversely proportional to wanting to be asked out, btw). . I thought, "Ya- what IS wrong with me?", followed by "where do I begin??- let me count the ways!" :( But then I thought I'm happy to be able to choose, as I told that friend it depends on the person one dates (or doesn't). (She then went on to tell me "a woman she knows with grown children, her H left her, & she committed suicide- due to her financial struggles!" :( :eek: I didn't know what to think except for the obvious- poor woman, I know how feeling that badly feels. :( )
Then, unrelated, today they called & said after months (years really) of waiting they found me a Dr. But I thought, Not now, for myself. Right or wrong it's right for me, I don't need a physical at the moment. If I have a serious issue I'll get a Dr at a clinic. I have tossed around the idea of meds, but going by how much I am affected by my thoughts, surroundings, choices, support or lack of, abuse or lack of, gas-lighting(?) or lack of, & basic self-care (or lack of), I think it's up to me. And I have the choice to choose (sometimes) what decreases my stress, including that. Making a bit of a bubble around myself too re: the constant needs/ drama at work. Being grateful for peaceful decompression time alone I am thankful for too, speaking to who 'gets it' or not (not disclosing) is a choice too. Even viewing (or accepting) the needs or demands ptsd exerts I can just view 'as is'- that is, much of the 'difficult topics' are actually pretty common when ptsd is present. (For example, suicidal stuff etc is not uncommon at all- I could add a kazillion other things we mostly are familiar with on the forum).
So finding the words involves more choosing who to talk to, whether disclosure is safe or can be understood, 'educating' & by that I mean not expecting someone to understand or be a mind-reader, & honesty (ideally with responsibility & without denial but also being open to getting out of the loops of thinking), in the hopes of treating & understanding others better & increasing coping skills, & figuring out where I've failed but also where I haven't done anything wrong. And maybe being 'ok' with recognizing my own limitations. And sticking with people or activities that I can relate to & that help me feel better (calm, safe, grounded, peaceful, stronger in a way or more accurately less panicked or despairing, maybe even 'ok' or happy ) & minimizing with self care & emotional detachment when I can't & what I can't control.
I think in some ways if the difficult topics can't be said (terrifying as it is) nothing can be changed or faced.
If it hadn't been for fear for people I love (their welfare), & my own guilt (trying to be responsible & trying to be a better person) I would have never said a thing, ever.
