How do you manage to live without something that regulates you?

[somerandomguy]

My exact situation is probably not applicable to anyone else here but myself, so I've tried to broaden the topic somewhat.

Here's my exact situation: sex with my wife is a highly regulating activity for me. If it doesn't happen, I get dysregulated. (Yes, I know how problematic that is. All I can say is that I'm working on it.) I'm now in a life situation - temporary or permanent custody of a toddler - that is going to take any kind of sex off the table for a long time. Possibly for years. (Please don't give me "how to have sex if you have a kid" tips - please, just take what I'm saying at face value.)

Here's my broader question: What do you do if you can suddenly not do an activity that helps keep you regulated? Like, if jogging helps keep you regulated and you have to have a knee replacement or something?

 

[Freida]

Trial and error. I just have to keep experimenting until I find it. Right now it's yoga and elephants. No idea what it might be once those wear off

 

[Ronin]

Find a way to not dig myself deeper into the hole, because I do that better than getting better, 2, find something close to regulating even if not quite, 3, switch off to something healthier & doing the work the soonest I can.

Eventually? Throw myself into an overload, because get smashed also works to reset me. Sorts out what is bullshit to not mind, and what is critical, just enough.

 

[piratelady]

I find alternative activities. For me, for years, it was running. I can’t do that now. So I started the quest for other activities.

I looked at how I felt after doing the activity that was regulating for me. So, for running I liked how when I was done I felt physically worn out, and that muscle tension was gone. Then I looked for alternatives that would help me feel similar. So I picked up interval training and yoga. My yoga classes are the fasted paced ones that create that same sense if fatigue.

I don’t know if that helps, but that’s the approach I took to find my alternatives.

 

[FauxLiz]

Right there with so many others. Running for decades was my go to, started as a tween to escape a family and household that was abusive. Ten years ago I messed up my achilles on one leg and tore my ACL, meniscus and PCL on the other leg needless to say running no longer an options. Now I have a recumbent bike in the living room for exercise and regulation. It is quite allows me to listen to music, read or watch TV while working out and helps to keep me regulated.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Find something that can take your attention for a good long while. I'm buying legos (and for some reason, blasting that fact all over the site) but it's a fun activity that is fun for kids and adults and can take your attention for hours. Try it when feeling deregulated and see how you feel. Experiment. Think outside of the box (which is how I got to the legos thought to begin with).

 

[piratelady]

Think outside of the box (which is how I got to the legos thought to begin with).

This is a good point. I was really shocked to learn how grounding it was to play with slime

 

[Friday]

Source out EVERY single thing it gives me, and replace the 1 thing with the 5-20 substitutes.

It’s a gigantic pain in the ass, but I’ve never found a direct substitute for any of my go-to things. I always have to snag a piece of this here, piece of that there, to get all the different facets I need present in my life.

 

[bellbird]

What do you do if you can suddenly not do an activity that helps keep you regulated? Like, if jogging helps keep you regulated and you have to have a knee replacement or something?

Switch out "knee replacement" with "spinal fusion", and that's me.

Like folks have said before me: find alternatives, plural.

For the first 6 weeks after my surgery I wasn't allowed to bend, which also took away another thing that helps me regulate, which is sitting on the floor.
Made for challenging times.
But there are other options out there. Probably ones you haven't even considered until you've been forced to look for them.

For me? It became sitting by Tweeter and watching him going about his day.
Might sound weird to others, but for me it is so soothing.
If he's preening himself and eating, it means that he doesn't recognise any danger. And if I'm right there next to him in the same space, well, I must be safe too.

Now I get that you don't have a bird, so obviously that example isn't directly relevant for you.
But what I'm trying to get at is there's a big big difference between going out for a 8km run and watching a small bird preen his feathers; those two activities use totally different muscles, require totally different energy inputs, and are done in totally different environments, and yet they both help to regulate me.

Consider all possibilities.
You'll get it.

 

[Lslb]

Here's my broader question: What do you do if you can suddenly not do an activity that helps keep you regulated? Like, if jogging helps keep you regulated and you have to have a knee replacement or something?

For me it’s sewing. I get lost in the rhythm of it but also choose quite complex patterns so I have to concentrate. The one I’m working on has 100 tiny x stitches per centimetre. The final size is 2 x2.5 metres it will take years to complete.

I know if I can’t see I need external support to get balanced again x

 

[The Albatross]

Put a mutually agreed upon "date" on the table as soon as possible that will provide supervision for your toddler AND choose to look at this as a time to take aim at your primary coping mechanism and look for more. It is a fact (a mentor told me and she was right) that the breakdown of sex/sexual outlets is a naturally occurring part of adult maturity for a variety of reasons yet about half are able to successfully navigate it.

Plus I did a values assessment.

It can be immensely assistive to ground yourself/yourselves in the reason why you've jointly elected to pursue this endeavor.

 

[whiteraven]

I remain unregulated.