Sexual Assault How much does my memory of details matter?

[GuyBloke]

Since I posted as much as I could up here a few days ago, I've felt both better but also started having sleeping problems, (waking up and feeling as if I'm in the place it happened and always waking up at about 2:15am, give or take ten minutes) then just shaking and panicking for a few minutes unable to make myself move, I don't think its sleep paralasys, because I could physically move but I can't will myself to, I don't know how to describe it. I'm not sure if this is something I should be more concerned about. Maybe this should be in the sleep section

Also, I've gone back to obsessing about the details of what happened, trying to figure out weather thoughts of other things happening are memories and which of the two mutually exclusive memories is true (implying their mutually exclusive that it).

Does figuring out what exactly happened and how far the incident went matter in weather or not I can move on? If so I feel like I'll start remembering everything sooner or later anyways but if not, the moment I stop focusing on whatever I'm doing (not much anymore because lockdown) I immediately obsess about weather the incident was penetrative or not, as if the answer would change everything. Am I just tormenting myself with thoughts? I feel like this post has no direction or purpose but its almost exclusively all I've thought about all day

 

[Friday]

Does figuring out what exactly happened and how far the incident went matter in weather or not I can move on?

My experience? Not so much.

There’s a settling which happens... but what causes it? IDFK know. The right words, at the right time. The right action, at the right place. It just does. Or it doesn’t. Or it half settles, waiting.

It’s one of those peculiar damn things. When things shift... from head to heart. From knowing, to believing, to be living. Can happen on accident. Right time, right place, right person/people. Or it can be nudged. Trauma therapists tend to specialize in that knowing when/where/how. But it can happen any time. Take it when it comes, know -until then- that it can.

 

[Ronin]

IME details matter far less than the whole thing and lived truths of it.

Details absolutely matter at, say, courts...
But even then we are 'just' humans and memory consists of soo many things details often get lost in the sands of time, and a few of them wrong doesn't invalidate the whole thing.

That you may remember wrong means you remember wrong, or it happened a long time ago...

Literally nothing else.
A memory working & forgetting working & vividness of events are separate issues to veracity, authenticity, experience et all.

 

[Freida]

Also, I've gone back to obsessing about the details of what happened, trying to figure out weather thoughts of other things happening are memories and which of the two mutually exclusive memories is true (implying their mutually exclusive that it).

For me? I had to get to the details because I had minimized it to the point that nothing made sense anymore. It was all behind a wall and I wasn't about to let it out. Until the wall started falling down.
Letting myself remember has been horrible. I even refused to believe my story was true for months and months. I was delusional, I was making it up, I was an attention whore, if there was an explaintion other than the thruth I used it.

But as I put the pieces together and figured out what had really happened (vs the story I told myself) things started to make more sense. It explained so many things. So ya. For me the details mattered.

I feel like this post has no direction or purpose but its almost exclusively all I've thought about all day

It actually makes a ton of sense.

 

[Lionheart]

The details were important to remember as best I could because I needed to write them down and read them to myself as part of therapy. However, my therapist used to tell me that I only need to work through what I could remember.

Which reminds me of a question I often was asked when being evaluated for mental health issues which was; "Are there important aspects of the trauma event that you don't remember?" to which I would always reply, "How the Sam Hill am I supposed to know that? :) I didn't understand that they were asking if there were blank spots in my memory of things. There were but like I said I only had to deal with what I could remember.

I don't know if you will find this to be true for you as well but I hope this is somehow helpful to you.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Hi, GuyBloke. I'm sorry to hear that you are not sleeping well.

Obsessing over the details, and trying to remember everything is common. For example, my left shoe fell off my foot during an attack, and I can't for the life of me remember how it got back on my foot. Why this is something I tend to obsess over is unclear, but from time to time I find this tiny detail plagues my mind.

For healing purposes, you don't have to remember every last detail, or be able to remember what happened 1st, 2nd, 3rd. Usually, in my experience, once I start writing about it, more detailed memories emerge. Then I start to wonder if ignorance wasn't bliss. It truly is a double-edged sword.

My psychologist often tells me that our minds will only let us remember what we are able to handle. So, maybe your mind is letting you slowly come to terms with these fragments of memories, before giving you more.

Also, you mentioned not being sure which of your memories are true, implying that only one of them could be true. Is it possible that both were true? We're they maybe two separate events? In my experience, I have found this to be the case when memories begin emerging with feelings and disjointed fragments of memories.

Also, I know it's tough because of the pandemic, but have you looked into the possibility of starting therapy, yet? I only ask, because I truly think working with someone who is experienced in helping those with CSA and trauma histories can guide you through this difficult time.

 

[GuyBloke]

Also, you mentioned not being sure which of your memories are true, implying that only one of them could be true. Is it possible that both were true? We're they maybe two separate events? In my experience, I have found this to be the case when memories begin emerging with feelings and disjointed fragments of memories.

I asked about the mutually exclusive memories because of exactly that, the more pronounce memories I can recall are the ones that cause me emotion, whether I get mad or upset or something else entirely. This all went on for several days, so I could be clumping every memory into one for all I know, but I've started feeling pain (not serious pain) when feeding the dog, we keep his food in a small pantry about a meter across and two deep, and the same happens with other locations. If I was hurt at in the past, and something would jog my memory of it today if I could recall it, is it possible to just feel the memory? Or is that what a body memory is?

 

[Wonder Woman]

I asked about the mutually exclusive memories because of exactly that, the more pronounce memories I can recall are the ones that cause me emotion, whether I get mad or upset or something else entirely. This all went on for several days, so I could be clumping every memory into one for all I know, but I've started feeling pain (not serious pain) when feeding the dog, we keep his food in a small pantry about a meter across and two deep, and the same happens with other locations. If I was hurt at in the past, and something would jog my memory of it today if I could recall it, is it possible to just feel the memory? Or is that what a body memory is?

Yes, it most certainly is possible for you to just feel the memory. Yes, that is a body memory.

I'm struggling with terrible body memories myself, at the moment.

For me, the body memories usually coincide with the emergence of new details, or new memories altogether.

I understand how overwhelming and confusing this must be for you. Most likely, if you start writing more about the things you do remember, other memories will come to the surface.

I really do think it would be helpful for you to have a professional (experienced in working with those who have experienced CSA) to guide you through this process. Have you looked into that possibility, yet?

 

[GuyBloke]

Almost no one is practicing, experienced in CSA and close enough for me to get to atm, but there are a few who work through calls and online, just waiting to hear back now

 

[Wonder Woman]

Almost no one is practicing, experienced in CSA and close enough for me to get to atm, but there are a few who work through calls and online, just waiting to hear back now

That's unfortunate, but makes sense with Covid-19.


Are the online providers experienced with CSA, childhood trauma, or sexual assault in any way? Only asking, because not all professionals are familiar with the specifics needed to help people like us.

Don't want you to end-up with an ignorant person, no matter how well-intentioned. That could just make things worse for you, and I don't want that for you.

 

[GuyBloke]

I couldn't find anyone who was practicing, experienced and near enough to me, all three together. There's quite a few who are practicing and near, but not CSA experienced. There's some who are experienced but a four hour drive away. Just a matter of finding someone who are all three together.

Thank you for being concerned though!

 

[Wonder Woman]

I couldn't find anyone who was practicing, experienced and near enough to me, all three together. There's quite a few who are practicing and near, but not CSA experienced. There's some who are experienced but a four hour drive away. Just a matter of finding someone who are all three together.

Thank you for being concerned though!

Yeah, I get it. It is tough to find all three. I drive over 3 hours total to see my psychologist for a 45 minute session, but it's worth it to me. But 4 hours one way is not practical on any level; so, I get it.

You're welcome. You've been through enough junk, just want to be sure you find someone who can really help you.

I'd suggest asking at a rape crisis center for names of people; they should be able to give you a good local referral.