How Psychopaths 'see' A Victim

[shimmerz]

I have been hanging out with my partner for about 3 years now. Prior to that he was a friend for 7 years. He is a large man, and nobody messes with him. Nobody. He has taught me a ton about how to 'handle' myself out in public.

As an example, I was walking in a mall one day, with him behind me (enough to make it look like we were not together). I seem to always attract people. Good and bad. Every time I go out I have people come up to me. Getting back to the mall, a guy was walking on the other side of the aisleway (it was a large one), spotted me and started walking directly over to me. I saw him coming. Then, all of the sudden, he glanced behind me and sighted my partner (who he still wouldn't have known was my partner). A look flashed in his eye (indecision bordering on frightened?) and he immediately veered away from me and went back to his side of the aisle. Goddammit I wish I could bottle what my partner has. I didn't realize what had the man veer off until my partner caught up to me and mentioned what had happened. There are other things he is teaching me as well. Not to let people get into my space, holding my head up, walking straight and reducing eye contact whenever possible.

As I have been researching lately I found this article. Something that Ted Bundy said about how he identified 'easy victims'. I have always known that I had something similar to a neon sign on my forehead that said 'TARGET', but didn't really understand why. Apparently they researched a statement that Bundy made about how potential victims 'walked'. And research has been done about this based on Bundy's assertion.

In this article, which is just on a chick's website, there is also an interesting tidbit from Vanknin (a psychopath who writes about psychopaths and their modus operandi. Very interesting. Very telling. Here is the article for anyone who is interested. A google search on 'I can tell a good victim from the way she walks' will get further information if you care to look into it more.

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/03/31/how-psychopaths-choose-victim

I hope this keeps someone safe along the way.

 

[Ronin]

I don't know it's good conflating predators & psychopaths, and doing groupthink about either.

In fact I think it's doing the exact opposite of keeping people safe. Because 'safety rules', 'I've got this', for a bit of time... and then meeting with a psycho that whoa, doesn't adhere to any of that, surprise.

 

[Ocean5]

Not to let people get into my space, holding my head up, walking straight and reducing eye contact whenever possible.

For guys too for general safety. When I moved to different part of country. I couldn't understand why locals walked around with such "attitudes" like "don't even try to talk to me." I quickly realized.... how often they were approached.

More tips at least from a guy's prospective, and international traveler.
- Hold shoulders back
- Face forward (yet aware of who is around you)
- Do not act like a tourist - act like you know the area and belong there
- Sunglasses
- Earbuds (but not type that block out sound)
- If you feel someone is about to approach you - make a detour into store or more public place

 

[seedling]

I am working in Ellen Lacter's book "A Coloring Book of Healing Images for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse." She has one illustration entitled "Staying Centered and Empowered" that says in it's caption:

"I don't quickly approach or retreat. I observe, think things over, and trust my perceptions and instincts. If other people do not respect my needs or try to pressure or coerce me, I remain entered in an awareness of my needs and I protect myself. When I am in public, my posture demonstrates that I am strong and feel worthy of self-protection."

Lol - it shows a woman walking through the mall :)
It has a zipper around the edge of the drawing and it says the zipper is on the inside under the woman's control, not on the outside in the control of others. I like that image.

I think it's good to practice thinking about what we deserve and the positive ways we are.

 

[PlainJane]

I have noticed this. Really, not just for psychopaths, but for the general population as well. I can't go to the store wearing white or any color without being approached. So I wear darker clothing.

I literally do go out with sunglasses and earbuds.

I've had a amount of people tell me I looked a bit intimidating. Not that there really is anything intimidating about me. I just look serious.

When I am not in a position to wear sunglasses, I make full on eye contact if I get bad vibes from a person and not friendly eye contact.

 

[shimmerz]

For guys too for general safety.

I appreciate this Ocean. I was wondering if it would be the same for men....

 

[Chava]

That's creepy.

Personally, I'm trying to work at somehow letting go of my total "Stay the f*ck Away From Me" or "You Don't Want to f*ck With Me" persona that I carry out into the world. I look way more confident than I am, and sometimes like I could kick you over. At best, far too aloof.

Once when I was leaving my therapist's (where it's easier to be my real self without all this heavy armor) I saw men out on the sidewalk and just had to stare through the window for a bit because I didn't know how to go out there...how to be in that situation of having my walls down. My therapist offered to walk out with me. I just wanted to wait a second, watch them, and regroup. I put my sunglasses on and put up a bit of wall as I walked out.

Partly I'm not afraid, for real. I've been too separated from my body to really recognize constant threat (what it would probably be without the separation I developed).

But also, it helps to focus on where I'm going and actually tune out others, or look like I'm tuning them out...if this makes sense. If you are scanning, you look freaked out. If I scan I do it in a way that makes me look like I'm a little pissed off or gazing in a more spy-like way or something...I seem to flip the fear. I don't know how I learned this but I've heard I intimidate people, before they get to know me, and that kind of blows my mind and also makes me sad because I'm pretty warm-hearted, very tolerant, and quite lonely. What's been hard is that I think those walls are coming down and partly being replaced by my chronic pain because I can't quite let my guard down. I need this false self....or more isolation as I transform into a more genuinely fearless self.

 

[shimmerz]

I think the part that got to me the most was the paragraph at the end of the article. The one about how it is possible to reel you in, get a trauma response and then back off. That our brains take us into a trauma response without them having to do a thing.

I know this feeling. I have had it most of my life with interactions with people who push my buttons on purpose. It takes me down a road that has me be all defensive and messed up. It is good to know that this can be a response that is elicited by some, purposefully. I will need to watch for that in future engagements so that I can be aware to walk away from those who trigger it up.

 

[scout86]

I think the part that got to me the most was the paragraph at the end of the article.

Me too! Reminded me of my reaction to a couple family members and their like. Being aware that that is what's going on HAS to be a step in the direction of changing things up, doesn't it?

 

[PlainJane]

I can't get the link to work :meh:

 

[Biz]

@shimmerz , the book, The Gift of Fear, has some very insightful info about how to come off more assertively and what kind of actions may be seen as receptive when someone is targeting you. It's got some really clear passages about boundaries too.

 

[stillstanding2]

This is all worth dwelling on and understanding.

However, I have wrestled with the awareness that the world continues to seem more and more unfriendly. I don't like the feeling. I live in a city formerly famous for its friendliness. I came here decades ago because it was so comfortable. People used to smile a lot here, and that made other people smile. I don't see much of that now.

I hadn't realized that there are actually books recommended to help people seem unfriendly. Sunglasses, ear buds, pissed off attitudes and other props are really being promoted? Is all that really a healthy alternative to practicing friendly confidence? I'm disgusted when I see couples texting separately at the same table in a restaurant. But is that just the natural outcome of all the other impersonality?

If I were a cartoonist, I'd like to draw the scene of a lavish party or picnic, populated by look-alike people all wearing sunglasses and earbuds and talking on cell phones, NOT with each other.