How to cope with therapist abandonment?

[Mee]

My therapist has in her contract that no social occasions will be attended on either side, and if one of us becomes aware the other is at a social gathering to which we have both been invited we must decline invitation. There is NO socialising. AT all.

I think this is fantastic as even though I really like her it gives me absolute liberty to discuss interactions with people / my husband / occasions without compromising her or my self . I can tell her ALL the grimy bits . And not feel as if she’ll spot me hiding a habit at someone’s birthday party or something.

At 80 does your T care to keep working? Do you feel a fresh perspective on your situation might be useful if you are struggling with some of these issues?

 

[Suzetig]

and if one of us becomes aware the other is at a social gathering to which we have both been invited we must decline invitation. There is NO socialising. AT all.

Sorry, so if you’re invited to watch a family friend in a play or attend a party or community picnic and you’re aware your T has had the same invitation you need to decline the invite? That’s utter nonsense. If your T is uncomfortable, she can decide to decline but she shouldn’t be imposing that duty on you too.

 

[Daph]

Sorry, so if you’re invited to watch a family friend in a play or attend a party or community picnic...

I thought the same... I never heard of or know of people having that. Yikes!

I mean you can or what if you run into them at the mall or grocery store. Do you both put your baskets down, walk slowly backwards from each other and leave? Personally, I have a short window for errands where I feel safer with less people and that would be a challenge if I was made to miss that timeframe because I saw my T.

You can still respect the boundaries by not acknowledging each other. I don't think it should limit social events for you when the opportunity presents itself as a PTSD sufferer as that can be difficult enough for us. Nor do I think it should limit you being there in support for someone/ the family whether it be a wedding, a goodbye party or funeral (not meaning to be morbid).

But if it works for you guys and you do not mind the possible challenge, I guess that is up to you and your comfort level.

 

[Mee]

It works for me :)
There are a LOT of unlicensed, barely qualified therapists in this country with few guidelines. Mine is qualified and works to tight protocols which are for my protection. Running into the grocery store is not a problem: if I not live local to her ( my guess is she would be cautious about anyone in her immeadiate environment but I have no idea!).

The social restrictions were something we had to talk about. I was introduced to her by an acquaintance who works in mental health and thought we’d be a good match. Normally she would not take clients under this situation she says but I was really in a very poor state and struggling with our health service to get any help. So this was something we spent time looking at incase our mutual acquaintance invited us to things. The acquaintance knows I became a client and I am guessing the situation we are both invited to the same thing will never arise now :). It will be a shame if that person gets married or something but I can live without going

 

[Daph]

It works for me :)
There are a LOT of unlicensed, barely qualified therapists in this country with few gui...

You don't have to answer..maybe to personal of a question. I don't know.
But you said before it allows you to talk about all the grimly facts of people in your life....but this acquaintance that helped you find each other, what if you want to or need to talk out some smack about them? Or have you establish that one as "don't go there" topic between each other?

Again, if too personal I apologize...my mind runs away sometimes from proper etiquette boundaries

 

[Mee]

No, it’s ok.

I trust my t enough BECAUSE her guide lines and stuff are really tight.

I have mentioned the acquaintance twice, Both fondly and the second time the T encouraged me to be more compassionate to myself in the situation I was describing. I absolutely trust that. My T can do this with confidentiality.

We’re we, say , to attend a dinner party together I think my T would be in an awkward position.

I do not thing a theatre or a mall would count as a social situation, fwiw( at both I imagine we’d grin wave and move on if alone or nod and move on if with others )

Oh ... talking ‘smack’. Hmmm. It doesn’t really happen? The occasion I mentioned was a situation where I felt panickyand t asked who was there and I said and T said ‘so these people and included my partner and acquaintance know what the situation is and we’re not thinking of your needs ; it’s appropriate to feel hurt that in THIS situation these people with their knowledge had not thought ahead of your particular needs’ and was suggesting that I needed to articulate more clearly that things are not yet as alright as they hope things should be for me and I thought i was feeling intense guilt but my T suggested that two of the party had the information to protect me from this and hurt not guilt is an appropriate not wrong reaction and I should not feel guilty for feeling hurt or ‘forgotten’ in my needs.

So no, it’s not a problem. Again, I think had it occurred at a social gathering where we all were things could get ‘muddy’. I like that it’s clean and boundaried. She is not my friend, she is a paid professional.

 

[James McGregor]

The thing is, it's the rules, it's how the psychotherapy model relationship ship works, no contact or relationship outside of therapy, it's not a choice for us or the therapist to make. That's how it is, and there are many reasons why it's the best idea, your in a business relationship, not a social one

 

[EveHarrington]

No, it’s ok.

I trust my t enough BECAUSE her guide lines and stuff are really tight.

I have mentione...

I’m guessing you mean mutual friend when you say mutual acquaintance?

 

[Daph]

That’s a possibility, but don’t also lose sight of the fact that while she may have been candid abo...

I cannot seem to wrap it around in my head, while many have said contacting her in the hospital a few times can be too much.... and yes there is truth in that. Yes she doesn’t have to share her personal info, no one does.

However:
who is the professional in therapy? The therapist.
And what made you think you had a close relationship or could with her saying she is friends with past clients? The therapist.
And being that she is the professional, she neglected to keep the boundaries or allowed it to go beyond the boundaries.
So she crossed the lines, and now suddenly trying to put up that barrier for whatever reason- I could see how that could mess with a person.
Hence, why I said don’t take personally prior.

And I know the question is dealing with therapist abandonment and many here have said you went too far, give her a break she is in her 80’s, she has every right to be abrupt....but I can’t get past the fact she is did it to her self somewhat.

she could have refused call or let it go to voicemail, then touch on how we need to go over boundaries that she allowed to be blurred in future therapy or an email.

It like who is the adult here in a family, who is the professional here? Her

 

[blackemerald1]

@Daph - I think the OP's title of Thread - (How to cope with Therapist Abandonment) is what I at least meant.

Therapists do get ill, do need family time, do have their own lives. OP stated this Therapist did not want to communicate with OP whilst in hospital. She is 80 and I don't think she was just visiting.

So the question remains - was this 'abandonment'... even after 20 years of therapy or was OP really (justified) in feeling abandoned because she could not be part of the therapists down time/private time.

I don't think the Therapist wanted to reciprocate to the OP whilst she was sick. I think that is fair enough really.

 

[Daph]

@Daph - I think the OP's title of Thread - (How to cope with Therapist Abandonm...

Right! I get what you are saying...
I just can’t get over the fact if the therapist did not want to reciprocate/ communicate in hospital (totally understandble), how come she took the calls?

My T and I use email, and she generally has the (not hard and fast) rule She usually reply within 24 hrs, 911 is for immediate service.

I think it could have been somewhat more professional to draft an email when stronger and able to the patient versus answering the phone out of the heat of the moment causing a sense of abandonment.
Do I make sense?

To me the T has forgotten about self care for herself, crossed professional boundaries and maybe used patients as a out/distraction. And this was realized in hospital too late. Hence causing the feeling of patient abandonment on her response.


But I think you are right as that maybe is a different discussion forum. :tup:
I thought it related as it cause the sense of abandonment, caused patient to question if she went to far, and hence how to cope.

But it is going into therapist self care and not following boundaries

 

[Suzetig]

I just can’t get over the fact if the therapist did not want to reciprocate/ communicate in hospital (totally understandble), how come she took the calls?

I work in a job where people I work with need to be able to contact me directly. I don’t keep their numbers stored on my phone under their name so is someone phoned me I’d most likely answer especially if I was in hospital and maybe expecting a call from someone worried about me.

My T recently had to cancel because she was in a car accident. She sent me a text message to tell me. Nothing in me would have thought it appropriate to call her and check she was ok - because she’s my T, not my friend. Yes, his T has massively breached boundaries - I don’t see anyone saying she didn’t but I’d expect an abrupt response if I contacted my T when she was obviously unavailable (ie sick, out of town, in the ER etc).