Relationship How To Handle When They Ask For Space...

[Brightness18]

Hello,

New here. I'm in a relationship with a combat vet who has been diagnosed with ptsd and tbi. We are not a new relationship, and have been in each other's lives for over 3 years. I know the ugly side and have seen the ugly side of combat ptsd. Recently, we had a huge argument/misunderstanding. I lost it and pushed too much, something I don't do, but the situation and him being mean to me really got to me. After it, we talked and he said he needed space. I agreed. He said not to contact him for a few days until he was ready. we practically live together. Oddly enough, he contacts me later in the day saying that he wants to talk/see me. I ended up spending the night. We talked, and are in a better place. When I left for work in the morning, he said he wants it to work but still needs space. That who knows how he is going to feel in a few days. To take it one day at a time. (This situation had happened before while we were dating, and it took almost a week or so for us to be on track)

The thing is we BOTH said hurtful things and he is handling as if I only said hurtful things. I apologized for my words and how it hurt him. I asked for forgiveness. I feel like it's one sided and the blame is all on me.

I understand needing space, but I can't help feel feeling in this limbo in which he holds the upper hand. Is it his ptsd or him? He texted me today, but I still haven't responded. I don't know what to say. Now I am feeling like I need space myself to figure and assess the situation because I am feeling being pushed and pulled.

How do I communicate that it's not fair to me for him to keep me in limbo, push me away and pull me, and wait on him to make a decision? I'm so confused with this situation. We both said we want to move forward with the relationship and make it work, I just don't get why he had to make a decision?

 

[Sweetpea76]

You are allowed to be the one who needs space too. There is nothing wrong with telling him that you need some times to process things. Then when things have settled some, it may be time to just tell him exactly what you said here.

 

[shimmerz]

I wonder if you have an understanding of what 'space' means to him. Is it something he does because he feels reactive? Is he trying to ground so he gets under control? Is space something he does to try to help further the relationship? I would try to figure out intentions here.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

The thing is we BOTH said hurtful things and he is handling as if I only said hurtful things. I apologized for my words and how it hurt him. I asked for forgiveness. I feel like it's one sided and the blame is all on me.

Right in the middle of this one myself :(

 

[Larksong]

The thing is we BOTH said hurtful things and he is handling as if I only said hurtful things.

Same experience here. You have every right to be respected, and it's natural to want him to acknowledge and apologize too. The thing is, I think this kind of thing looks different to them than to us. We're expecting a "normal" polite acknowledgement of fault on both sides, when they may only be feeling the intense hurt and need for fight/flight that our words drew out of them. I'm learning to choose my battles, to ask myself, if we're going to use military metaphors, "is this the hill I want to die on?" I'd say to give yourself some time to process what happened, then apologize for your part in it while being very open with him about how the argument and his words affected you, without expecting an apology in return. I don't know your guy, but my knowledge of mine tells me that yours may have been so overwhelmed by the need for space that he simply doesn't "get" the fact his words triggered hurt on your side too.

 

[holdenmonty]

Don't beat yourself up to much about him saying that he needs space. Speaking from experience at least I need time to think about my thoughts and process through them on my own. I know sometimes my wife would probably love for me to tell her what my thoughts are and how I'm processing through them but it's a lot easier to do it by myself and in my own head. If he's anything like me then him needing space means that he needs to talk himself through your guys misunderstanding. Be really happy that him saying that he wants it to work is huge, at least it would be if I said it.

I know for me personally if people say hurtful things to me or something happens that causes me to get defensive which I'm pretty sure he probably got defensive when you guys had your misunderstanding and subconciously at least for me if something like that happens my mind turns that person into the enemy. It's not your fault and it's not his fault it just is and the space he needs is for him to tell his brain you aren't the enemy and that he loves you and that you have his back.

I proposed to my current wife, we got pregnant a little earlier than we planed on but after I got back then some really confusing stuff happened that eventually lead to me being diagnosed with PTSD but before I realized I needed help I pushed her away and she lived with her mom for a good solid probably three months or more and ended up having our first son two months early and I still wanted it to work out after I pushed her away but I told her that I needed some space and some time. After our son was born I went and visited her and our son and we talked about things and worked it out. Now I'm proud to say that she's amazing and stuck by my side through all that crap and we have been married for three years and two months and we have a total of two boys now. Some days are better than others but we have agreed that we won't give up on eachother.

 

[Brightness18]

Thank you all for your positive thoughts and input. It has helped tremendously to vent and see things more clearly and from his point of view. My friends are great support, but really don't understand.

He reached out last night and said that he is ready to push through this and make it work. We have been through so much(deployment, his health issues, life issues, etc) to not salvage our relationship. It definitely makes me happy, but i want to set some boundaries. This one episode really shook me.

Thank you all for listening to me. Lots of hugs and love.

 

[Brightness18]

@holdenmonty
Thank you for your perspective. It really helped. I'm glad you were able to work it out with your spouse! That's amazing and gives me hope. Im glad to hear that there can be a successful, long term ptsd relationship. I'm sure it takes major work and understanding. I honestly don't want to be with anyone else and I knew to a degree what I was signing up for. We don't have major problems, but when it gets ugly, it spirals down fast. I definitely would like to talk to you and maybe grab some pointers of what worked for you in your relationship, if that's ok. Hope all is well and once again thank you.

 

[Brightness18]

I wonder if you have an understanding of what 'space' means to him. Is it something he does because he feels reactive? Is he trying to ground so he gets under control? Is space something he does to try to help further the relationship? I would try to figure out intentions here.

I did ask that because I was confused on that aspect as well. He said he needed to think things through and weigh the pros and cons. I told him that in the future he needs to communicate what method of communication works best for him and communicate why. Our communication is a healthy one, but at times he's so stubborn and thinks he doesn't need help, that he holds it in.